The Villian, The Princess, And The Idiot | Teen Ink

The Villian, The Princess, And The Idiot MAG

By Anonymous

   Once upon a time, there was a village by the name of Kingdom Kome. The village was a village of very educated people, except for one. There were no homeless, all the people there had jobs, except for one. This man, if you could call him a man, went by the name of Stupid Stan. He lived on the not-so-rich side of the village in the Losers Inn.

One day, word reached the Losers Inn that the princess, Mushy Mary, had been captured by Fiendish Fred and taken to the Mountain of the Strict Teachers to be married on the first Sunday of next month.

The King offered riches, status, and a lifetime supply of outhouse paper to anyone who would rescue her.

Stupid Stan thought, "This is just what I need to get into the culture crowd, riches, status, and a lifetime supply of outhouse paper. Of course, with all that outhouse paper, I'd have to get an outhouse; but I don't need one." And so he gathered what little he owned and set off for the mountain.

About halfway to the mountain, Stupid Stan met an old man. The old man said, "Come sit down young man and give me some of your food so that I might eat with you."

Stupid Stan thought for a few seconds and then said, "Well, I don't know. My mommy told me never to eat with strangers."

"Well, if we sit and eat and talk to each other, then we won't be strangers anymore, will we?"

Stupid Stan thought about what the man had said and quickly fell down onto his knees and unpacked his bag. "Cheese dip, beef jerky, and cold french fries!" cried the old man. "What kind of fool packed this!"

"I did," said Stupid Stan, sounding rather flattered. "Do you really like it?"

At that moment, the old man realized what an idiot he was dealing with, so he tried to be more understanding.

When they were done eating, the old man said, "You are kind in sharing what awful food you had. I will give you my only possessions: the underwear of invincibility, a map of the mountain, a complete suit of armor, and a sword of magic."

After six days and three cans of cheese dip, Stupid Stan finally reached the bottom of the mountain. He hadn't taken ten steps on the trail when suddenly Fiendish Fred's wizard, Zap Zap Zed, appeared and said, "Seas of coke, A very bad joke, Turn this man into an egg yoke!"

Just then, one thousand eggs flew from the trees and hit him in the face. Zap Zap Zed fell to the ground screaming words in a very strange tongue and then disappeared. Stupid Stan shrugged his shoulders and kept walking.

When Stupid Stan was halfway up the mountain, he saw a stream and went over to get a drink. As soon as he touched the water the wizard, Zap Zap Zed, jumped out and said, "A swamp or a bog, drunken egg nog, turn this man into a frog!"

Suddenly a giant frog jumped out of the water and chased Zap Zap Zed away. Stupid Stan shrugged his shoulders and kept walking.

One hour later, he was standing on top of the mountain in front of the palace. Stupid Stan walked up to the gate and glared at the guard standing in his way. He said, "Hey bucko get out of my way."

"Why?" replied the guard.

"Because I said so."

"Prepare to die, stupid moron!" screamed the guard.

The guard kicked him in the face, but because of the underwear of invincibility, his foot broke and he fell to the ground crying.

Stupid Stan walked inside the gate unharmed.

Every step in the gloomy castle echoed in a dark hollow way and every breath sounding like a moaning ghost. He looked around for a place to start looking for the princess when suddenly his heart stopped. He drew his sword and got ready for battle, for charging him was an army of Mr. Potato Heads. With one swing of his sword, they all lay in pieces on the stone floor. He picked them up and put them in his bag and moved on.

He walked into a room when suddenly the floor fell and beneath him lay a pit full of boiling hot oil. His bag slipped into the oil but he pulled it out and looked inside only to find that the pieces of Potato Heads had become french fries. He ate the french fires and moved on.

Stupid Stan was walking around when suddenly he heard wedding bells ringing.

He rushed madly toward the sound only to find a locked steel door. Stupid Stan drew his sword and with three mighty blows the door fell in. There, behind the locked door, stood Fiendish Fred, the Princess, all the evil armies of the land, and the acting priest Zap Zap Zed. Zed cried a spell. "Ox of musk, Bottle of rust, Turn this man into dust!"

Suddenly a dust mop appeared and continuously beat him over the head until he disappeared.

Stupid Stan shrugged his shoulders and ran into battle.

He quickly slew every evil soldier until only Fiendish Fred was left. He thrust the sword into him and Fiendish Fred disappeared.

When Stupid Stan returned with the princess, he was named Captain of all the Knights and was presented with the reward. Mushy Mary offered her hand in marriage, but Stupid Stan refused. And they lived singly ever after.n

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This article has 14 comments.

i love this !

on Jul. 19 2009 at 2:21 am
RadioShower PLATINUM, Rio Rancho, New Mexico
23 articles 5 photos 69 comments

Favorite Quote:
Emo is imaginary - Gerard Way
Normalness leads to sadness -Phil Lester (AmazingPhil)

^_^ that was a lol story. funny and odd in one. LOVE IT!!!! keep writing your good at it! =)(what he eats sounds like my brother would)

.Tahlia. said...
on Jul. 13 2009 at 4:30 am
if the names were changed a bit this would make a good childrens book

Kerri said...
on Jun. 8 2009 at 9:29 pm
Kerri, East Greenwich, Rhode Island
0 articles 0 photos 17 comments
Very cute. Very original. The twists were all very a very good way :)

on May. 3 2009 at 9:51 pm
thedaydreamer13 BRONZE, Delta, Ohio
3 articles 6 photos 40 comments
cute and weird at the same time!! i like ur twists to original fairytale stories... nice work. :)

JKB28 SILVER said...
on May. 1 2009 at 4:11 am
JKB28 SILVER, Houston, Texas
7 articles 1 photo 8 comments
this is great! :)

on Apr. 22 2009 at 4:23 pm
HAHA. Loved it!

on Apr. 17 2009 at 12:54 am
xcupcakesxbrokenheartx BRONZE, Seaside, Oregon
2 articles 0 photos 28 comments
Um... that's more than just a little weird.

on Apr. 10 2009 at 1:43 am
biggerinfinities SILVER, Superior, Colorado
7 articles 0 photos 353 comments

Favorite Quote:
“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

HAHAHAHA!!! that was hilarious! sort of like cinderella and napolean dynamite

on Mar. 22 2009 at 1:22 am
Toxic_Wasteland PLATINUM, Andowver, New Jersey
23 articles 0 photos 31 comments

Favorite Quote:
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life... It Goes On."~Robet Frost

idk what it is but i love this story.. i guess it's the corniyness of it alla nd the stupuidty of it all (and i don't mean that in a bad way) this was just funny

brinamcg said...
on Mar. 16 2009 at 11:45 pm
a twist to cenderella

dannymarie<3 said...
on Jan. 26 2009 at 1:15 am
lmoo this guyy sondss likee a lott off funn too hangg withh!!! lmaoo goodstoryy

Bladefella said...
on Dec. 16 2008 at 9:22 pm
This sounds alot like what i think on a daily basis and it would be awesome to be attacked by an army of mr. potatoe heads, Ide make em into mashed potatoes and eat em with lots of Ketchup!

on Nov. 14 2008 at 5:42 pm
LOL describe your story perfectly! I'm glad Stupid Stan had a happy ending, it gives me hope. :)