The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes | Teen Ink

The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants.

Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: "If you give a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life." -Terry Pratchett.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]

BELLA: Are you a vampire?

EDWARD: No! Yes...

[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]

BELLA: I love you.

EDWARD: I love you too.

[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]

BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!

[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]

EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.


[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]

JACOB: I love you too.


[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]

EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!

JACOB: Or what?

[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']

EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!

[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]

BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!


JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?

EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.

BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!

EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.

[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]

JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!

[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]

RENESME: I'm your daughter!

ALL: Yay!

[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]


End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.

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This article has 1985 comments.

Ellabarto said...
on Apr. 26 at 9:50 am
Ellabarto, Boston, Massachusetts
0 articles 0 photos 2 comments
lol! This is so funny, yet so accurate....

give_orange said...
on Jan. 20 at 12:46 pm
give_orange, Holifax, FunnyPizzaLand
0 articles 0 photos 14 comments

Favorite Quote:
Give orange me give eat orange me eat orange give me eat orange give me you

Beautiful piece of literature.

on Dec. 15 2023 at 2:15 pm
Thatonewierdkid, Dallas, Texas
0 articles 0 photos 2 comments
THIS HAS ME DYING- I love this! It's so funny!

on Dec. 7 2023 at 7:20 pm
yagirljessie SILVER, Missouri City, Texas
6 articles 11 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
' Everyone keeps telling me how my story ends. Nah Imma do my own thing' - Miles Morales.

This is the entire sage, I can tell cause I am Twilight. SSKSKSKSKSSKSKS-
In all seriousness though this is so funny and I like it.

on Nov. 25 2023 at 7:53 am
chaotic-writing-person BRONZE, Košice, Other
3 articles 1 photo 3 comments
Epic. What else I can say?

newt-250 said...
on Nov. 16 2023 at 2:23 pm
newt-250, San Diego, California
0 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
Break my heart. Break it a thousand times if you like. It was only ever yours to break anyway. I’ll love you until my very last breath. Every beat of my heart is yours. I don’t want to die without you knowing that.

This was so epicly funny.

Judis said...
on Mar. 10 2023 at 7:40 pm
Judis, El Paso, Texas
0 articles 0 photos 3 comments
I am literally wheezing because of how much I laughed at this!

gabs_w GOLD said...
on Feb. 23 2023 at 6:10 pm
gabs_w GOLD, Portland, Oregon
10 articles 0 photos 94 comments
THIS IS AMAZING. Read this instead of twilight, it will save a LOT of time.

on Feb. 4 2023 at 8:34 am
lottieis_dumb GOLD, Hereford, Other
10 articles 3 photos 176 comments

on Dec. 16 2022 at 8:51 am
Slusheecup BRONZE, Hickory, North Carolina
4 articles 6 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
A small mind shall bring others down.
An average mind shall know what's going down.
And a great mind shall go down in history.
-Lucas Hale

This is overly accurate! Its amazing lol

on Sep. 28 2022 at 12:01 pm
PoisonIvy22 SILVER, Windom, Texas
5 articles 1 photo 26 comments

Favorite Quote:
"In the public eye, girls and women with strong perspectives are hated. If you're a girl with an opinion, people just hate you. There are still people who are afraid of successful women, and that's so lame." -Billie Eilish
"My imagination is a twisted place." -Taylor Swift
“ When people see good they expect good and I don't want to live up to some one's expectations." - Damon Salvatore, 'The Vampire Diaries'.

This is so stupid and funny! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I will never forget this. Thanks for writing this. Pure comedy!

Lillerz said...
on May. 1 2022 at 9:56 pm
Lillerz, Kalispell, Montana
0 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
Lord, what fools these mortals be!

I love this!

on Feb. 17 2022 at 8:49 pm
connielee10809 BRONZE, Fullerton, California
3 articles 0 photos 11 comments

on Feb. 8 2022 at 5:53 pm
HermioneGranger_estbay BRONZE, Wagga Wagga, Other
3 articles 0 photos 14 comments

Favorite Quote:
'We are as strong as we are united, weak as we are divided'
-Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

I loved it, i made me wanna to laugh and cry

on Feb. 2 2022 at 11:06 am
TessaDreamAuthor_3000 PLATINUM, Tomball, Texas
37 articles 2 photos 147 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain." - Dolly Parton
" Balance your life with spiritual experiences that remind and prepare you for continued, daily ministering to others." - M. Russell Ballard
"Love is expressed in a smile, a wave, a kind comment, a compliment." - Thomas S. Monson

I made a similar version to this, but Harry Potter style! Hehe ;p
Click to view!

on Feb. 1 2022 at 2:06 pm
AztroWorkz BRONZE, Bellingham, Washington
3 articles 0 photos 23 comments
this is possibly the best twilight summary I've ever read and I haven't even seen twilight

on Dec. 3 2021 at 1:17 pm
keiraoestreich, Oshkosh, Wisconsin
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
"if a time traveler doesn't come back to stop you, it can't be that bad of a decision."

beautiful made me cry

on Nov. 30 2021 at 5:10 am
anyabeatrice GOLD, Encino, California
14 articles 0 photos 16 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Give a girl the right shoes and she can conquer the world."
-Marilyn Monroe

There is no other way to say this,
but the author has made my day.

Carmen1917 said...
on Nov. 18 2021 at 6:29 pm
Carmen1917, Harlowton, Montana
0 articles 0 photos 6 comments
This is so funny!!!!!!! I can not stop laughing!

Carmen1917 said...
on Nov. 18 2021 at 6:29 pm
Carmen1917, Harlowton, Montana
0 articles 0 photos 6 comments
This is so funny!!!!!!! I can not stop laughing!