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The World According To Loony Tunes
A sampling of a few college courses in the Loony Tunes universe:
Acme is the only manufacturing company in the world.
The law of supply and demand: if someone demands an Acme product, it will be instantaneously supplied.
And… that’s pretty much it.
A villain never gives up. This would appear to be the product of short-term memory problems, or else they would learn from their mistakes.
The mind’s computing skills run on a time delay system of at least 2 seconds. This results in frequent double-takes.
Abruptly switching sides in an argument will always result in a villain’s destruction. (Person A: “Duck season!” Person B: “Rabbit season!” A: “Duck season!” B: “Rabbit season!” A: “Rabbit season!” B: “Duck season!”)
Snappy comebacks are natural and common.
Everything is taken literally. There are no idioms.
Only a basic reading level is necessary for survival- important words to know include TNT, DANGER- KEEP OUT, and FREE CARROTS.
If you don’t know how to read, you aren’t reading this, and that’s probably why you keep getting blown up/flattened/smashed/exploded.
Blinking is noisy.
Immortality is universal. Luck is not.
You assume the shape of everything you swallow.
Any dynamite, gunpowder, grenade, TNT, gasoline, nitroglycerin, or other combustible material will always eventually explode, ignite, or spontaneously combust. There are no duds.
If you find yourself in an enclosed, dark space, you are in (A) a tunnel with a train approaching, (B) a cannon. Exception: if you light a match to see, you are in a dynamite storage room.
Homemade catapults are very unreliable.
Everything will backfire if you’re the bad guy.
For every action, there is a greater and opposite reaction. Therefore, a cannonball will move three feet and the cannon ends up in Beijing.
Any piece of something will automatically act as a whole: a disconnected section of railway track will carry a train, a painting of a road will produce a car, or a Burmese tiger trap will come with a Burmese tiger.
The heaviest matter in the universe is that belonging to an anvil.
The equation for speed is BG2F= T, where BG represents the bad guy, 2F represents an excessive rate of movement, and T represents toast.
Exception to gravity: Occasionally, a piece of a whole that is intended to fall (such as a sawn-off tree branch, a cliff ledge you break off, or a wooden circle you saw out) will hang in midair while the surrounding items (the tree, the cliff, the stage) will drop away. This only applies, however, when the hero is standing on the small section.
All rules and/or laws are subject to change without notice.
Gravity does not apply until after you realize you are subject to it.
Canoga Park, California
JOIN THE DISCUSSION
This article has 26 comments.
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13 articles 0 photos 247 comments
"In the beginning, the universe was created. This has made a lot of people angry and been widely regarded as a bad idea."
0 articles 0 photos 19 comments
5 articles 5 photos 25 comments
Music can change the world, because it can change people.
21 articles 0 photos 11 comments
"Nothing is impossible, only unbelievable."
"Gotta keep doing it if I want to get better. Gotta stop doing it if I want to ger worse. Gotta do it sometimes if I want to stay the same."
3 articles 0 photos 51 comments
“Being crazy isn't enough.”
― Dr. Seuss
“Why fit in when you were born to stand out?”
― Dr. Seuss
27 articles 0 photos 425 comments
I'd rather fail because I fell on my own face than fall because someone tripped me up
26 articles 0 photos 231 comments
"laugh, and the world laughs with you. laugh hysterically, and for no apparent reason, and they will leave you alone." anonymous
109 articles 0 photos 164 comments
Love with open hands. - Madeleine L'Engle
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2 articles 0 photos 24 comments
Someday you'll be old enough to read fairytales again.
Funny... and sadly- very true. Love your writing!
9 articles 1 photo 42 comments
"A good friend will bail you out of jail. But a best friend will be sitting right there with you saying 'Dang, we really screwed up this time.'"
16 articles 0 photos 13 comments
"You might as well ask an artist to explain his art, or ask a poet to explain his poem. It defeats the purpose. The meaning is only clear through the search."
"What you do, the way you think, makes you beautiful."
3 articles 0 photos 303 comments
Blegh. - Abraham Lincoln
3 articles 0 photos 55 comments
"Know Thy Enemy" Sun Tzu
14 articles 0 photos 60 comments
Usted es especial! AKWARD!!! (in an opera like voice), ohhh fasha', what the huh?,who in the name of what?, sanity now!
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Live for today, not for tomorrow
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" Well... I guess even bad people have good endings."
I would have always liked to live in Looney Tune land, but now that I see all of this, I am pretty sure that being one wouldn't be all it is cracked up to be.