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Change, its all around us. Everything we see, smell, and touch changes. even ourselves, we change A LOT. I continued to stare at my big puffy red eyes in the mirror. Wow!, how iv changed. three Months ago, I wouldn’t be looking like this. I wouldn’t be crying like this. I wouldn’t even be crying for this, but I am. I see another tear stroll down my cheek, seeing that tear causes more tears. Why am I crying? I had asked myself so many times. Do not let this get to you. You have the power to block things out, remember.
I heard a knock at my door, thinking its my mom, I wipe my tears as fast as I can , turn off the lights, and then I open it. Only it isn’t my mom…it isn’t my sister…its not even my annoying little brother. Its me. Me how I used to look before. Before everything happened. She, stares straight at me, then lets herself in and sits on the floor. Confused I sit right in front of the person that looks like me.
“what are you doing to yourself” she had asked, “why do you continue to dwell over what happened in the past”. I stare at her, shocked that she can speak.
“I don’t know” is all I could respond.
Disappointed, she shakes her head. She wipes a tear from my cheek.
“You don’t need this Jane, no one does” she sighs, “I see you cry every night for them. I see you dress so different for them, why have you changed me?’
I felt the anger race through me like fire on a string, ”because you weren’t good enough” I yelled, tears taking over my eyes. “you were never good enough, don’t you understand…nobody ever liked you. You were a joke. You were always left behind, even by your best friend, cant you see that?” I struggled to take a breath. She simply stared back at me with such an innocent face, a face I hardly remembered now.
“what and you think they like you now?” I didn’t answer. ”it’s a simple question Jane, do you actually feel that just because you dress a little better, you will get all the people you lost back?…heck you might not even get them back, but who cares Jane. You don’t need people that don’t appreciate you in your life anyway”
“I’m just so tired of ‘never being good enough’, even when I try so hard to be”, I said.” you know sometimes I feel like I want to go away, away where I know I can never be found again, I want to be gone forever” I continued.
“I know that, but think of your family, they care too”, she said. “think of yourself, your dreams…don’t give them up you need to be me again, good things will come to you, trust me, think of all the things that made you cry, then once you have gone through that journey…find the source of all your tears” she grabbed my hand. I shut my eyes and did as I was told. I thought about everything. I thought about losing Derek, loosing my moms trust, my parents divorce. Loosing my friends. I began to sob. I couldn’t find the source, I tried so hard but I simply couldn’t.
I opened my eyes, expecting to see her sitting in front me, but she wasn’t. I was sitting in front of the mirror once again. I took a good look at how I looked, then that’s when I met the source. I had caused all those losses, by changing.
The source , smiled evilly at me, as if saying ”I own you”.
“No” I yelled and shut my eyes again.
I changed , and smeared off all the make-up. “I don’t need you “ I said.
I wanted to see me, the girl that looked like me, how I used to look before. I wanted to talk to her, to see if I was doing the right thing. Once I had changed and once I had taken off the paint on my face called make-up, I stared in the mirror once again, and there she was. Staring back at me again.
I felt safe, secure. She was back, I was back.
Bossier City, Louisiana
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