Gabriella (chapter 2) | Teen Ink

Gabriella (chapter 2)

June 10, 2010
By katie-cat GOLD, McClellandtown, Pennsylvania
katie-cat GOLD, McClellandtown, Pennsylvania
13 articles 0 photos 163 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Look after my heart, I've left it with you."- Edward Cullen
"To love another person is to see the face of God . . ."- Les Miserables
"Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her out and let her scream." - Mark Twain


*Two*


I groan as my alarm clock blares in my ear. I reach a hand out from under the covers and fumble to find the snooze button. I’m finally given mercy when the persistent beeping goes away by the command of the snooze.

I try to find the land of sleep again but, to my dismay, I hear my bedroom door creak open. My mom tip-toes over to the bed and rubs my back with a gentle circular motion.

“C’mon, baby girl, wake up. It’s your first day of senior year.”

It makes me queasy just thinking about having to face all of my friends and teachers. I yank the covers over my head even more.

“Oh, no you don’t.” Mom stops me, pulling the blankets back down. “Rise and shine.”

“Since when did you get so perky?” I grumble, annoyed.

She ignores my jibe. “Come on, up and at ‘em.”

I sit up and glare at her. “Five more minutes?”

“You say five minutes, but I’ll come back up here in twenty and you’ll still be hiding under the covers.”

“Mom.” I groan.

“C’mon, don’t “mom” me. It’s time to get up.”

“All right, all right. I’ll be out in a minute.”

She finally leaves me alone. Once her footsteps have disappeared down the stairs I flip my covers over and saunter into the bathroom. I pull the ponytail from my long, wavy raven black hair and peel off my pj's and throw them into the corner before getting into the shower.

I crank the hot water all the way. I need to find some way to sober myself up before putting on any type of act for my mother. You know, like actually pretending I’m excited for my senior year, that I’m happy to see my best friend, Rachel, after shunning her out all summer. If only it were that easy.

When I’m done showering I head back to my room. I shuffle through my closet and pull out my gray skirt decorated with silver beaded flowers and match it with a white lacy cami and a light gray sweater. Might as well try and look my best.

After blow drying my hair I throw it up into an artfully messy ponytail and head down to the kitchen.

I find my mom sitting at the counter picking at a plain, untoasted bagel. I opt for a bowl of cereal. The only thing in the cupboard is a box of corn flakes. I pull it out anyway and pour some into a bowl with milk.

I sit down across the table from my mom, who’s thrown the partially picked at bagel away and is now gulping hot coffee. When she’d gotten her fix she says, “Rachel called while you were in the shower.”

I look up from my soggy corn flakes. “Oh?”

“She offered to give you a ride to school.”

“What did you say?” Please let it be no, please let it be no…..

“I said that it’d be great.” I feel my face fall about ten stories.

Mom looks up from her mug. “It’ll be good for the two of you.”

I look back down into my bowl of cereal, feeling sick. I honestly can’t believe she’s doing this to me. I get up and dump the nearly full bowl down the sink. I stand on tip-toe to peek out of the window. I can see Rachel’s dark red Chevrolet stopped at a traffic light in the distance.

I feel myself rising to a full scale panic attack which, I know, will only lead to a full scale asthma attack. I press my lips together and swallow hard. I can hardly handle seeing my best friend. How can I go through a full day in crowded hallways and classrooms where there will be hundreds of people? How will I stand all of the new freshmen staring at me, recognizing me from that interview on the news I was forced to do? There’ll be whispers and glares and pointing and—

I whirl around. “Mom, I don’t feel well.”

She motions for me to come over and sit in the stool next to her. She pushes up my bangs and feels my forehead. “You don’t feel warm.” She says, the back of her right hand now resting on my cheek. “What’s wrong?”

I could hardly speak through my sharp, squeaky wheezing that had started. “I……I…….can’t, Mom…. I…..can’t…….do this.”

“What? Can’t do what?” She demands, with her hands clamped on either side of my face, trying to calm me down and stop my attack.

“I can’t go to school…….I can’t face everybody.”

“Gaby, we talked with Dr. Newman about this. Remember? He said it doesn’t matter what other people say and do. It only matters what you think about yourself—”

“I don’t care what Dr. Newman freaking says!” I rip myself away from her grasp and collapse against the sink, heaving, trying to slow my breathing and keep the little bit of breakfast that I’d eaten in my stomach.

I pull open the medicine cabinet above my head, and fumble around for my inhaler. Once my hand finally clamps down on the small plastic implement I take two puffs and feel my breathing start to return to normal. I swallow hard and sink down to the floor, clutching my inhaler, my lifeline, tightly in my trembling, ivory fist. Mom softly pads over in slipper-clad feet and sits down beside me. Without a word she puts her arm around me and I bury my face into her breast.

It’s so rare that I get these quick tastes of the mom I once knew. I try to savor the moment as much as I can before the cruel hand of fate rings the doorbell. Neither of us gets up right away. After a minute Rachel rings the doorbell again and I hear Mom sigh.

“If you really aren’t feeling well, I’ll let you stay home.”

The offer was tempting, but I’d have to face them sooner or later. “No.” I muttered, somewhat reluctantly. “I’m feeling better now. I guess it was just nerves.”

She combs her fingers through my bangs, fixing them so they all face downward again. “Okay.” She pushes herself up from the floor and takes a long pull from her coffee mug; as if she needs to replenish the strength she’d just exerted to comfort me.

I run to get the door as I hear the doorbell sound a third time. I open it to see Rachel’s fist raised in the air, ready to pound on the door.

“Hey.” She says, letting her arm drop. “I thought you were going to stand me up.”

I roll my eyes, but can’t help releasing a small smile. I grab my book bag and stuff my inhaler into the side pocket. “Come on, we’ll be late.” Rachel laughs as I grab her hand and pull her to the car.

Once we’re back on the road she says, “Are you ready for the first day of senior year?”

“Oh, yeah.” I mutter. “Can’t wait.”

“I’m sure.” Rachel responds, as we pull up to a stop light. She busies herself by pulling down the visor to inspect her appearance. She doesn’t need to. She looks impeccable, as usual. Her shoulder length strawberry blonde hair is pulled back into a sleek ponytail, her plump lips are a glossy peach, and she’s dressed neat and prim as always.

As the light flashes green again, Rachel puts the visor back up. “So, before we get to the school we have to stop and pick Craig up.” She says, glancing once at me.

“Craig Perkins?” I ask, surprised.

“Yeah…..um….we’re sort of….going out now.”

“Oh.” I say, taken aback. Rachel and Craig have been flirting with each other since the seventh grade. I don’t why I’m so surprised; it was bound to happen sometime. “I’m really happy for you, Rachel.”

She beams, visibly relieved. “Really?”

“Yeah, I don’t know what took you guys so long.”

She laughs, tossing her ponytail behind her back. “I know! I thought he’d never ask me out.” Then she says, without thinking. “It was right after the funeral, I—” she stops, catching herself.

“I’m sorry, Gaby.”

I clear my throat. “About what?” I try to ask nonchalantly. “Go on. It was right after the fu—” I swallow, unable to get past the word. “Right after…...”

“Yeah, we’ve been dating for most of the summer. I would’ve told you sooner.”

“I know.” I smile towards her warmly.

We pull into Craig’s driveway and Rachel beeps the horn twice. After a minute Rachel glances at me and rolls her eyes. “He’s always late.” She beeps the horn again, slowly this time, and soon Craig comes hurrying out of his house.

Rachel rolls the window down. “Come on Perkins, get a move on!” She shouts, doing a perfect imitation of Mr. Bauer, Craig’s football coach.

Craig rolls his eyes and gives her a peck on the lips before settling down in the back seat. He takes a doughnut from his book bag and stuffs a hunk into his mouth.

Rachel glances back. “You better watch it back there, if you get crumbs all over my car you’ll be the one cleaning it.”

Craig swallows the wad of sugar and fat with some force. “Coach says I have until homecoming to bulk up or I won’t be able to start for the rest of the season.”

“Did Coach also tell you to mess up your girlfriend’s car during the journey?”

“No, but it would be nice if my girlfriend could back me up. It’s not easy being the football jock. Living up to everyone’s expectations, making myself sick in the effort and—”

“Why don’t you just quit, then?”

“Are you kidding?” Craig says around another huge chunk of doughnut. “My dad would disown me if I didn’t make starting quarterback my senior year.”

“Disown you?” Rachel asks skeptically.

“Well, maybe not disown me, but pretty close.”

“Well, I’m on your side.” Rachel states.

“Thank you.” Craig says, licking his sugary fingers.

“I mean, you already have the most perfect girlfriend. What else could you possibly need?” She teases.

“Exactly.” Craig says, flashing his slightly crooked teeth.

Rachel smiles at him in the rearview mirror and the turns toward me. “What are your classes this semester, Gaby?”

I shrug and start rummaging through my book bag for my class schedule. I attempt to smooth out the wrinkles and creases before reading it aloud. “Spanish V, a free period, U. S. Government, Anatomy, Calculus, Advanced 3D Art, Advanced Common Rhetoric, and Phys. Ed.”

“How’d you get into Calc? They’re making me take Trig, again.”

“Just face it, Rache; your friend’s a brain.” Craig says, taking a bite into a chocolate bar. His book bag was like a pantry.

Rachel glances back again. “How much do you have to eat? I’m all for you bulking up a little, but how much are we talking?”

I rolled my eyes. If you want the truth do not ask Rachel. She’s not afraid to give it to you straight.

As Rachel and Craig continue to argue about Craig’s eating habits, I look out the window only to find myself staring at the giant billboard that read “Welcome Back Hamilton Hawks!” We’ve reached the high school.

I groan softly to myself and reluctantly climb out the car. Craig drapes his free arm around Rachel’s shoulders, still not having devoured the candy bar.

I trail at a miserably slow pace behind them. I just want to make it to my first period class without a big production.

I’m in no such luck. I already see Christian Hernandez, the yearbook photographer—two years running, jogging towards us with his camera in hand.

He stops in front of Rachel and Craig. “Here we have it, folks!” He announces to anyone who’ll listen. “The most anticipated couple of the year—Craig Perkins and Rachel Keyes, together at last!” He snaps the picture and some of the guys from the football team clap and whistle. Craig chucks his half eaten chocolate bar in their direction and everyone howls with laughter.

This is the perfect diversion for me to escape……..or not. I’m almost at the steps when Christian links his arm through mine and pulls me back toward the crowd.

“And here is the very beautiful and enchanting Gabriella Sparks. She hasn’t abandoned us after all.”

He lifts his camera up and I twist away just as he presses the button. “Come on, don’t be shy, cupcake. Show us that gorgeous face!”

“C’mon, Chris, lay off.” Craig says, coming to my defense. “Just leave her alone.”

I have to admit, having your best friend dating the quarterback of the football team has its perks. Craig could stand a little bulking up, but he was like a mountain compared to a bean pole like Christian.

Christian lets me go as the crowd begins to disperse. Better clear out now before she cracks. That’s what they’re all thinking.

Rachel puts her hand at the small of my back and ushers me to the entrance.

“Some people are so rude.” She spits once we’re inside.

“He didn’t mean anything by it.” I murmur, trying not to sound so hurt.

Rachel sighs. “Whatever. I have French; I’ll see you in Anatomy. Okay?”

“Kay.”

She squeezes my arm. “Just ignore everyone. You’ll be fine.”

I nod. “See you.” I watch as she and Craig head up to the second floor to Madame Vandyke’s French IV.

I grab my schedule from my book bag again to see my locker number. Once I stash my stuff in the dusty, mint green compartment I drag my feet to Sen?ora Keefe’s classroom.

Mercifully, I’m one of the first ones there. I glance quickly around the room. The two other people, a couple— Eric Hartley and Sabrina Mayfield, were too busy arguing over who loved the other more to notice me.

I try to hurry and get a seat close to the back before I could disturb the calm atmosphere. Today just isn’t my lucky day.

“Ah, Sen?orita Sparks! Como estas?” I try not to wince as Sen?ora Keefe’s loud voice penetrates the quietness.

“Muy bien, gracias. Y tu?” I murmur reluctantly.

She spreads her thick red lips into a wide grin. “Muy bien! Vaya tome su asiento, es tiempo de comenzar clase.”

I obey quickly and scurry to a seat it the far right corner in the last row, sanctuary at last.

Then the shrill ring of the late bell sounds and the rest of the class comes bustling in.

I look up at exactly the wrong moment. I meet the eyes of Greg Odell. He was my street’s delivery boy. He dropped off our paper the morning of my dad’s murder. He’d had a crush on me since freshman year and that morning he’d tried to make his move. It went all wrong….for him. I turned my head as he came at me with his lips and he ended up getting a mouthful of my hair.

I can see his eyes dart around the room. The only remaining seat is right next to mine. He sighs and has no choice but to take it. Great. One other thing for me to worry about. I sink down into my chair as much as possible. This is going to be one hell of a year.


The author's comments:
I'm not sure about that last part with Greg, if it's too much and I should just get rid of it. Please tell me what you think, thanks :)

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This article has 21 comments.


katie-cat GOLD said...
on Jul. 13 2010 at 4:44 pm
katie-cat GOLD, McClellandtown, Pennsylvania
13 articles 0 photos 163 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Look after my heart, I've left it with you."- Edward Cullen
"To love another person is to see the face of God . . ."- Les Miserables
"Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her out and let her scream." - Mark Twain

Chapter 3 is now on the site! please check it out, thanks :)

on Jul. 10 2010 at 7:34 pm
PorcelainShadow BRONZE, Lizton, Indiana
4 articles 6 photos 39 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Don't hold your tongue, instead, hold your breath, and jump in"

your very good at characterization! im always amazed by your characters. very funny! though you do a good job at keeping the sad side feeling.

on Jul. 9 2010 at 7:58 pm
OfficialApprover PLATINUM, Orefield, Pennsylvania
48 articles 0 photos 1752 comments

Favorite Quote:
Grab life by the balls. -Slobberknocker
We cannot change the cards we're dealt just how we play the hand
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted
It's pretty easy to be smart when you're parroting smart people
-Randy Pausch

This was absolutely excellent.  You make everything so realistic and funny, while still keeping that darker, sadder undertone.  Very well-written and GREAT characters.  Can't wait for more!

SandyC SILVER said...
on Jun. 29 2010 at 9:12 pm
SandyC SILVER, Concord, Other
5 articles 0 photos 78 comments

Favorite Quote:
"In the end it won't matter how many breaths you took, but how many moments took your breath away"

I rly like this story. It kind of drags on at certain points, but overall its great...as for greg, i'm intrigued...i would like 2 see more of his character, becuase as of now i only really know that he had a crush on Gaby..i luv rachel and craig's characters they r a great addition, and i luv that they stand by and protect gaby..great work..cant wait 4 chapter 3!:)

on Jun. 29 2010 at 12:38 pm
roxymutt BRONZE, Marietta, Georgia
4 articles 5 photos 109 comments

Favorite Quote:
It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see. -David Henry Thoreau

this is good but it drags a little in the middle...idk how to fix it im sorry :) but i do like the continuation of your story keep it up and let me know when you have more i'd like to finish it :)

on Jun. 27 2010 at 8:36 pm
Your welcome! I'm glad this feedback helps. I think it's really hard to capture the exact emotion of something that you've never been through. Some people say it's impossible. I hope for my sake that that's not entirely true because some of the stuff I write I've never been through too. But I think overall you're on the right track with this piece. It's better than most people's attempts to try to capture the feelings of something they've never experienced lol. If you're passionate enough about the story though, I have faith that you can make it anything you want it to be :)

katie-cat GOLD said...
on Jun. 27 2010 at 11:13 am
katie-cat GOLD, McClellandtown, Pennsylvania
13 articles 0 photos 163 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Look after my heart, I've left it with you."- Edward Cullen
"To love another person is to see the face of God . . ."- Les Miserables
"Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her out and let her scream." - Mark Twain

Thanks for responding :)  I really appreciate all of the constructive criticism, it helps me see the things I write in a new light.  In all reality, I'm not like Gaby at all.  I would never be so rude to a therapist or teacher.  I'd probably tell my mom everything, and my mom would never act like Gaby's mom does.  So, I like the perspective that you gave me.  Sometimes it's difficult to write about something if you haven't experienced it, especially if it's realistic and not fantasy.  Thanks, again for the pointers.  I'll be sure to take them into account.  :)

on Jun. 26 2010 at 8:51 pm

Simon Cowel feedback--you asked for it!

I hope in asking for SC feedback you weren't asking for cruelty because I don't feel like nit-picking every little detail that could be improved and making you feel like a bad writer in doing so. Because I mean, you're a very good writer but I'm noticing some things in this piece that could use improvements and I'll point out a couple trends instead of isolating every individual piece and stuff.

Overall it was good. The details I'm talking about are very minor writing mechanics and I'll get to them later. What I liked about this is how realistic it seems, but I feel like Gabby would be narrating this with a little more dread if she truly is afraid of facing everyone at school.

Maybe people handle it differently, but I can relate to not wanting to face people at school and I remember how deep of a feeling that is and how much energy and happiness it drains from you. Then again I hid everything like Gabby did and spoke and acted like I normally would. Narration, however, would have been 10 times more dismal. I'd use a ton of sarcasm and negative words and negative feelings. But that's just me. Maybe it's not Gabby. Being really depressing turns a lot of readers off too and it doesn't look like that's really your style.

For writing mechanics one thing i noticed was unecessary transitions. For instance, I don't know anyone who finds it interesting or important to know what gabby does inbetween getting out of bed and getting into the shower.  mind you

“I crank the hot water all the way.” Is an excellent line. It sets the mood and describes an action and characterizes her well all in one. but that's pretty much all you need.

Also after characters speak: “Since when did you get so perky?” I grumble, annoyed." You don't need "annoyed" because grumble implies a manner of speaking that an annoyed person uses.

Another thing i noticed was a familiar pattern that went something like this: Craig verbs, verbing his adj noun. You do that too much in this piece--try to cut back just a little on the descriptions to make everything simpler and give the story a faster, more exciting pace. Like I said everything is very good, but fixing things like this will help you make this piece better.


on Jun. 25 2010 at 10:00 pm
Megaphone1927 SILVER, The Tardis, Tennessee
6 articles 0 photos 43 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you don't peer into the shadows, you won't see the ghosts."-Flora Segunda

Cool! So far. Greg isn't really catching my attention, but that's probably just because i never go for it when a boy is crazy for a girl, and she just slowly falls for him.

I dunno though, that might not be what you have planned. Anyways, I think i might even like christian's character better than greg.

but I digress . . . It's a really fun story and it's entertaining to read too, Keep going!


katie-cat GOLD said...
on Jun. 19 2010 at 7:02 am
katie-cat GOLD, McClellandtown, Pennsylvania
13 articles 0 photos 163 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Look after my heart, I've left it with you."- Edward Cullen
"To love another person is to see the face of God . . ."- Les Miserables
"Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her out and let her scream." - Mark Twain

no, lol :) that's just how I pictured her

on Jun. 18 2010 at 9:55 pm
jaredwriter19 GOLD, Masontown, Pennsylvania
12 articles 0 photos 49 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you live to be a hundred, I hope to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you."
-Winnie the Pooh

I loved it! Keep putting up more chapters - I can't wait! Is Racheal based off of someone I know? Strawberry blonde...lol

katie-cat GOLD said...
on Jun. 18 2010 at 3:49 pm
katie-cat GOLD, McClellandtown, Pennsylvania
13 articles 0 photos 163 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Look after my heart, I've left it with you."- Edward Cullen
"To love another person is to see the face of God . . ."- Les Miserables
"Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her out and let her scream." - Mark Twain

any time, lol

on Jun. 18 2010 at 3:36 pm
NeverCaredForKool-Aid GOLD, Elkridge, Maryland
13 articles 0 photos 531 comments

Favorite Quote:
I don't believe in hell but I believe in my parent's couch-- Watsky

Oh! OK- that makes sense, thanks :)

katie-cat GOLD said...
on Jun. 18 2010 at 3:09 pm
katie-cat GOLD, McClellandtown, Pennsylvania
13 articles 0 photos 163 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Look after my heart, I've left it with you."- Edward Cullen
"To love another person is to see the face of God . . ."- Les Miserables
"Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her out and let her scream." - Mark Twain

Thank you for the feedback!  As for the '?' in between senora and senorita those are supposed to be the tilde over the n's. (this sign:~) I don't know why it didn't show up on here.  :)

on Jun. 18 2010 at 3:03 pm
NeverCaredForKool-Aid GOLD, Elkridge, Maryland
13 articles 0 photos 531 comments

Favorite Quote:
I don't believe in hell but I believe in my parent's couch-- Watsky

Keep Greg.  He'll come in handy later in the story.  Can't wait till you talk more about the murderer.  I wanna see his face.  Great job so far- except why are there "?"s in the middle of Senorita and Senora and stuff?

Anyway- loving the story line so far, and very smart starting the story out with her theropy session, I would have thought of that.

great job with your characters, esspecially.  The only thing i'd be a little carful about is when you describe Racheal and Gabriella, spread the details of their appearance out, or have them talk about how they look, instead of cramming there whole image in at one time

Again- loving the story line, and starved for more  :)


katie-cat GOLD said...
on Jun. 16 2010 at 12:06 pm
katie-cat GOLD, McClellandtown, Pennsylvania
13 articles 0 photos 163 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Look after my heart, I've left it with you."- Edward Cullen
"To love another person is to see the face of God . . ."- Les Miserables
"Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her out and let her scream." - Mark Twain

Thanks for all the comments!!  By the way, Gabriella isn't the title, I haven't thought of the real one, yet so I used her name for the time being. :)

toflyaway said...
on Jun. 16 2010 at 1:42 am
toflyaway, Melbourne, Other
0 articles 0 photos 85 comments

Favorite Quote:
"You're Bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret, all the best people are" -Alice In Wonderland (2010)

I loved it! It kept me reading the whole way through. As another comments states also, your dialogues are brilliant! And the introduction of Greg was refreshing :)

We-R-3 BRONZE said...
on Jun. 15 2010 at 8:55 pm
We-R-3 BRONZE, Orlando, Florida
1 article 0 photos 344 comments

Favorite Quote:
A picture is worth a thousand words, however it takes a real artist to turn words into pictures.

Have you heard about the new Lebron Iphone, you have to set it on vibrate because it doesn't have any rings

Again the dialouge is amazing it keeps me hooked and wanting more, i really think Gabriella is a good title although sometimes it can be a little dangerousto use the protagonist of as the title, however with this type of writing it doesn't really matter.

katie-cat GOLD said...
on Jun. 13 2010 at 4:13 pm
katie-cat GOLD, McClellandtown, Pennsylvania
13 articles 0 photos 163 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Look after my heart, I've left it with you."- Edward Cullen
"To love another person is to see the face of God . . ."- Les Miserables
"Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her out and let her scream." - Mark Twain

thanks for the comments and input you guys!

on Jun. 13 2010 at 9:26 am
Inherinerd GOLD, Ashland, Ohio
16 articles 9 photos 302 comments

Favorite Quote:
A word to the wise ain't nessecary it's the stupid ones that need the advise

this story is really great! it's fast enough to keep your attention but not too fast that you have no idea whats going on!