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Here We Go Again
I sat on the sandy shore, the ocean waves lapping desperately at my toes. The dimming sun turned the inside of my eyelids orange and the soothing sound of my guitar melted with the sound of the waves. Saltwater filled my body with every breath I took. Everything seemed so alright. I kept strumming and the world around me just began to fade into oblivion. The waves dared to stretch up a little bit further to my ankles and cried out for me, but I kept strumming, singing softly. My mind tried to touch upon the subject of my parents. Or the disease that was ravaging my body. It was like the ocean. Always trying to push the barriers. Trying to knock down the walls and flood the city it bordered.
It wanted me to think about how they were probably yelling now. How mom was going to leave any day now. How dad would always throw things. Break plates. How mom would slam the doors and make my walls rattle. How he would hit her. How she would hit back. The alcohol tried to stop it, but the waves were too strong. My mind wanted to make me think about the disease. About how it made me so ghastly thin and how it made me throw up just about everything. About how it made my hearing fade more and more each day. About the constant ringing in my ears that could only be ceased by alcohol. About the heat that coursed through my veins. An unbearable heat. I would do anything to make it stop. Anything to stop the suffering. Maybe not anything. I wouldn’t take my own life. I wouldn’t do anything stupid and reckless that would kill me. That was the disease’s job. That retched thing was the one that wanted to end my life. Not I.
Everything seemed so fake. So flat. So monochromatic. Nothing was real anymore. Everyone was fake. Everyone wanted one thing, and that was to hurt other people. Maybe everyone isn’t like that, but everyone in my life is. All they want is to overpower the other. Whatever happened to chivalry? Or even just not treating people like total crap. The Sun continued to fade into the horizon. I opened my eyes and looked around. The colors of the sky began to melt into each other and a soft breeze trickled over my skin, whispering its secrets to me. I stopped playing and set down my guitar in the cool sand. I took a swig of my drink, and my phone buzzed. I picked it up and studied the words on the screen.
hi. i rlly miss u. we shud get back 2gether.
I smirked. Basically, that meant one of three things: He wanted sex, he just broke up with his girlfriend, or he was bored. Was everyone make believe? He used me for three years. He threatened me. He criticized me in just about every way. It’s because of him that I’ve contracted this disease. Not just the one ravaging my body, but the one ravaging my mind. Hatred.
He taught me how to love. How to hate. How to kiss. How to let go. My life was better before him, and now it’s worse without him. He came in like a tornado, tearing up everything in his path, then left it a barren wasteland when he was done. I studied the text.
meet me at the beach by my place.
I clicked the cute little green button and sent it. What was I doing? Well first of all, I was drunk texting. Exactly. I should have regretted sending it. But I didn’t. I took another swig of my drink and sighed. I set down my guitar and ran my fingers through my long, sun bleached hair. I looked down at my hands. Thin and bony. They were the color of milk but had dark brown freckles on them. As did every other part of me. My nails were thin and peeling. The blue nail polish was stripping them even thinner than before. I heard a slam of a door echo throughout the beach. The devil himself was here. I took a final swig from my flask then tucked it away into my hoodie. The sun was slipping into the watery horizon, a final ray was waving its last goodbyes while the rest were greeting Asia.
I heard no footsteps but he was suddenly beside me, wrapping an arm around my slim shoulders. His breath was coming out in visible warm puffs of steam. The autumn chill was setting in. I turned my face away from his, not wanting him to smell the alcohol on my breath. But it was strong. And I glanced over at him. In the dying light, I could see the outline of a smile. He knew.
“I’ve really missed you.” He murmured, his breath hot against my neck.
He kissed along my jaw and down my neck. I clenched my teeth and tried not to give in, but I could feel myself slipping. Slipping into his warmth. He wasn’t Dylan. This wasn’t right. My stomach churned and I tried to push him away, but he was strong, and I was weak. Weaker than normal. I could feel him smiling against the sensitive skin on my neck.