Come. Part one Lily | Teen Ink

Come. Part one Lily

June 16, 2011
By FrownMonaLisa SILVER, Arlington, Texas
FrownMonaLisa SILVER, Arlington, Texas
5 articles 0 photos 18 comments

Favorite Quote:
Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened

Please walk in. Please come home. Please don’t leave me here waiting.

Every night she sits waiting, calmly, patiently, for him to come home. But he never does, not till after she’s in bed. She does little, useless things to occupy the time till he comes home. That book that she has tried to read for every night isn’t as interesting as it once was. She’s still stuck on page 73 the third line down. She’s begun to wonder where he is. She knows it isn’t an affair; he’s not that kind of person. She really wants to figure it out, but more than that she wants him back. From whatever it is that’s taking him away from her.

It’s dark in here. But I just can’t turn on the light. If the light is off maybe he’ll think I’m already asleep. “She feels like everything is all right” wait didn’t I read that already? I think I did. I’m not sure. All I want is to fall asleep at the table reading and have him come in a carry me to the room like he used to. I can’t wait anymore, I’m tired and the chair is biting into my legs.

She stands up, dog earring the corner of the page she was on. She turns on the hallway light and makes her way to the bathroom. After the long process of brushing her teeth and hair, and washing her face, she makes her way to her room. Slipping into a night shirt she looks at the figure in the mirror. Dark brown eyes complimented by soft ivory skin and a head of chocolate curls. She’s pleased with what she see’s. She settles into the king sized bed after turning off the light. As she’s fading in and out of sleep she hears the shifting of the bed and feels the strong arms wrap around her. “I love you” he whispers after kissing her cheek. “I love you too”

The author's comments:
A heartbreaking story of a wife undying love for her husband

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This article has 9 comments.

on Jul. 25 2011 at 10:36 am
Hazel-daisy GOLD, --, Other
19 articles 0 photos 324 comments

Favorite Quote:
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else - Erna Bombeck

In three words i can sum up everything I've learned in life: it goes on -Robert Frost

Live, Love, Laugh - ______

Hope, Love, breathe <3 - Me

i really like this and i like how you switch from third person to first person, its also written with a lot of emotion, which i like :)

MLG Kody said...
on Jul. 16 2011 at 6:28 pm
very nice :D

on Jul. 11 2011 at 8:57 pm
WritingSpasms, Los Angeles, California
0 articles 0 photos 121 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Devils run when a good man goes to war."
- River Song from Doctor Who (Ep. A Good Man Goes to War)

I like the way you did this, even though I got mixed up a little with the first and third persons. I think the switch was intentional, if I'm correct? If so, you've done a pretty good job with it. Keep writing!

on Jul. 11 2011 at 5:40 pm
born2bewriting BRONZE, Webster, New York
3 articles 0 photos 22 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The sky's the limit!"

? i have no idea what just happened there, so please ignore! :)

on Jul. 11 2011 at 5:39 pm
born2bewriting BRONZE, Webster, New York
3 articles 0 photos 22 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The sky's the limit!"

hi its me again! okay...i think the change of perspective is a little difficult to follow, but from the other comments i guess you know that. also, there are a couple places where you could put in a comma, like after page 73.

i try to put commas where they "feel" like they have to go, where there needs to be a pause. the rules of grammer can be broken in ficticious writing, so don't worry about them so much, just my own advice.

anyway i really enjoyed it, but i would slow down your pace of writing. instead of going right to the bathroom, have her think somehting as she's walking there, and instead of directly describing her face, reveal pieces of it through the story. while its easy to summarize someone's nightly routine, there are so many opportunities for thoughts and small actions like gestures and the things we do without thinking.

anyway, you have a good story line so far, and it leaves a broad spectrum for you to expand it any which way.

good luck here, and happy writing!

on Jul. 6 2011 at 8:24 pm
This was soo cutee i loved the ending. (':

on Jul. 5 2011 at 11:51 pm
Garnet77 PLATINUM, Sinagpore, Other
31 articles 6 photos 577 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Everything's a triangle." ~ My mother

"Write what you love, write what you care about, because sometimes, it's the easiest way to be heard."

I got a little confused, but don't worry! I actually really like the way you did this. The whole change of POV is hard, especially when doing it on purpose (which I think you are). It kind of has a certain effect on the story, and emphasizes the situation by telling what the character is doing and then showing what the character is thinking. Good job! :)

on Jul. 5 2011 at 11:12 pm
MollyDoubleU BRONZE, Minooka, Illinois
3 articles 5 photos 45 comments

Favorite Quote:
"So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past." - The Great Gatsby

I really liked this beginnig to your story! However, switching points of view really threw me off. If you clarified that a little bit, you would have an excellent start to your story!

on Jul. 5 2011 at 9:46 pm
CarrieAnn13 GOLD, Goodsoil, Other
12 articles 10 photos 1646 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." --Douglas Adams

"The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane." --Marcus Aurelius

This is a great beginning to your story!  There's just a few things:

1.  Don't change POV from third person, to first person, to third person again.  It would be okay if you didn't suddenly start saying 'I' in the second paragraph.  You could avoid confusion by marking it with quotation marks and saying something along the lines of 'she thought' somewhere in there.

2.  'See's' should be 'sees' because you are pluralizing it, not indicating possession.