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Lies of forever
The first time I saw you, you were sitting at the bar in the club down the block. Eyes looking ahead of you, above everyone’s heads, you seemed surrounded by a mysterious, dark aura. I liked it.
(You didn’t notice me, but I did. And that’s what mattered to me)
I followed you all night, thought you didn’t notice me. I didn’t know then, but you had a fawk’s eyes. It was one of the many things I didn’t take note of that evening that later drew me to you. You were unline any other soul I had ever met. I could feel it. Our eyes locking together, even for only a second, was like a firework, only many times more meaningful. Every move you made, I saw. By the end of the night, I knew every single feature of your face, every color in your eyes, every details of your movements.
(You could count on me, I would remember your face until my last breath)
The dancefloor’s throbbing lights started to dim, the crowd started to thin out, but you stayed, swirling mindlessly around with a passion that burned through me. My eyelids were slowly turning heavy, my limbs soft, but my mind, sharp and focused, was fixated on you.
Only a few people, on their way out, were still in the dark room when you approached. I didn’t hear you arrive and, I’d admit it later, I was startled by your presence. You were unattainable to me, a deity among mortals. I felt stupid for it: who was I to tell this? I felt lonely that night, too. The sun hadn’t shone on me for so long. You were my sun.
(And hadn’t you illuminated my heart, it would still be that dark and cold shell that it used to be)
You walked toward me, with a timeless grace inherent to only you. You looked into my eyes, tilting up my chin gently with your calloused index, until I could sense your warm breath caressing my lips.
(I experienced much more than I ever did; a plethora of emotions passed through the many cells of my heart, urging it to beat faster and faster)
You looked into my eyes, and I saw a million of possibilities in yours.
(And the future seemed a much less lonely place to live for)
You looked into my eyes and asked me to dance.
(And my heart skipped a beat)
You looked into my eyes, and I said yes.
Seconds felt like hours, minutes, like days. I don’t really remember all of the details but I still know something: I fell for you that night.
(I was in deep, no lights to show me the way. I didn’t care. I had you to guide me)
I smiled at you, my hands on both of your broad shoulders and I decided, as you returned the favor, that your response was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. It was maybe the hormones that played their trick that night. Or maybe it was my over-active imagination or the cocktails I had downed before spotting you. I remember reading in a magazine that the human body found attractive one with the immunitary system the most different from itself. If that is true, I guess ours were from a different species.
( I don’t believe in love at first sight)
Anyhow, I wasn’t thinking.
(But I believe in chemistry and biological reactions. We’re chemistry)
As the song came to a final end, I lightened my embrace and let you go. I looked around me and saw nothing but hours-old beer bottles and little scraps of paper on the floor, undoubtely darkened by the writings of some ingénue hoping to find the love of her life.
(She probably didn’t; I did)
It was a Sunday afternoon, I can remember it because my parents called me that morning before going to church. They were always so religious. The sun was shining high in the sky and in spite of the chilly wind that went through our thick clothes, we decided to go walk on the shore. It had been around two or three months since we had met that night in the club. We left each other that night, for good I thought.
(And I think it was really my intention to do this)
But destiny wanted our history to end another way, one that that I hadn’t planned to live for. We kept bumping into each other : twice at the Starbucks downtown, once in the park... Every time was a burst of energy for my soul.
(It took me spilling my soy latte on your $2,000 suit jacket to get things going. How embarrassed was I)
Walks on the beach were always so peaceful with you. We would watch each other in the eyes, just savouring harmony we could see in their depths. Our cheeks became rosy because of the wind, our extremities were about to freeze but we didn’t care. We had each other for warmth, even imaginary one.
(And even if it wasn’t the real thing, I could feel it sweeping me off of my feet)
At the wheel of your black convertible, on the way back, you looked so invincible. Like the first time I saw you. It brought back some memories of that little smoky dance club, that I passed by every morning to get to work.
(The tears started spilling out of my eyes. You can’t control this sort of things)
I saw you looking in the mirror. I braced myself for the question I knew was coming. “Why are you crying?”, you said, voice full of worries, betraying your usual countenance. I searched for your hand for a minute and I tangled your long fingers with mine.
(The force of my grip on your fingers was only the reflection of my torment)
“Will you ever leave me?” I knew I sounded pathetic and weak, on the passenger seat of the car that made me feel so little, but I had to know, by all costs. My friends told me that you were head over heels for me; your parents were glad that you chose me; mine were always rambling on how much a good person you were; you always said “I love you” for all and nothing, just because you felt like telling me those three words that shouldn’t mean anything so many times they’re said. But I had my insecurities.
(And I couldn’t let go of them)
You stopped on the side of the road. I looked at you, surprised, avoiding your face. “Look me in the eyes”, you said forcefully, making it sound not quite like an order but more like a request. Stubborn, I kept my sights directed on the bucolic landscape surrounding us. In a reminder of our first night together, you used your index to tilt my chin up. Only, this time, you kissed me.
(That simple move brought me to heaven)
You let go of me. I tried to get back to this floating sensation I only get when you do that, but you pushed me back gently. You looked me in the eyes and eveything felt into place. You didn’t need to say anything, I knew what you were going to say, but you did anyway. “I’ll always love you and never leave you. You are my way of life, my reason to live and, above all, my best friend. Never think I’m going to leave you.” My tears intensified. But, this time, they were tinted with joy and relief, not grief.
(It was music to my ears)
You know, if my life was a movie, I’d be portrayed by some unknown actress, and you’d be Brad Pitt or someone else in that category.
(And the story wouldn’t be changed to add some drama)
In this moment, I’d give up forever only to touch you like I did, to feel like I used to feel back then. They didn’t know how it was to be with you, how addicting was your touch. You hurted me everytime you talked and I tought it was wanted. I didn’t think that the world would understand my love for you. You were destructive, you opened up scars that never stopped to bleed... and you were mine.
(Everything’s made to be broken)
You can’t fight what’s not coming or what’s in your mind. You can’t fight what’s real.
I sat there alone, in the kitchen, while you were in town with your friends. I’ll never know who you met that night, what you did with them. But I tried to refrain from thinking about it when I washed your jeans that night and found their underwear in your pocket. You weren’t as secretive as you wished you were.
(I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go)
I confronted you about it the night after. You weren’t happy about it. You threw some plates on the walls and smashed my favourite cup (the one you gave me two months after our meeting) on the linoleum floor. One of its fragments cut my cheek. It hurted so bad, I screamed. The neighbours didn’t complained about it this time. I guess they got used to it.
(You hurt just to know you’re alive)
I didn’t like who you had become. I didn’t know what I did, what happened but somewhere along the way, something had changed. No longer the gentle lover I was used to, you became a monster, an entity moved by only rage and regrets. A demon without a soul.
But everytime I went to go, your soul, your mind, it reappeared for a while. And those moments of calm were worth every pain you put me through. I wanted to hide out there, be visible to only you. And that’s what happened.
(I just want you to know who I am)
You sleep on the bed peacefully. I hold your hand firmly, while my tears trace their way down to my chin, only to fall on the alabester skin underneath it. You don’t know what’s happenning around you.
(And that’s why I’m telling you this)
I got a call, late in the night yesterday, They found you on the side of a country road. You were barely alive then. They rushed you in the hospital by ambulance and called your listed contact: me. I thought I was out of your life now. It had been four months since I’ve gone away. I began a new life with Bella. You know, she’s able to talk now. And she makes the cutest faces ever. Her first word was “Dada”. She misses you. I do too.
(But I can’t go back to what we were then)
You were a victim in a hit-and-run. You were ejected from your motorcycle, only to fall 100 meters away. No one saw who hit you. Some people saw a red sports car drive down the road a kilometer farther, but no one took its license plate number. But you don’t remember the accident, for sure.
I didn’t bring Bella. I thought it would be better not to. But I came. It was a hard decision to take. I didn’t want to see you ever again. I know you don’t remember. Your doctors said your amnesia was quite severe. You might never recover from it.
(Every memory of our time together is lost for you; what is painful is, I still have them)
You don’t remember all that happened those four past years. At least, you’ll never know that you hurted me. You’ll go back to treating me as a goddess living on Earth. I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to that. It was an everyday occurence then, but many things have changed.
(It hurts to think about it)
You start to wake up. Your dark hair is spilling over the white pillow. You smile at me. In my mind, you’re still that angel of grace I met on this fateful night. And you still are him, only older. I kiss your face, ask you if you’re ok. You ask me to come in the bed. I say “No, there’s not enough place for the both of us; besides, I have to go.” And you answer “What is more important than me?”. There’s such a sparkle in your eyes; I can’t resist.
(And I climb in bed with you, like I’ve done many times before. Only, this time, it’s different)
You tickle me, and it feels like I’m reliving a memory. After many giggling sessions, you calm down and doze off. I climb out of your tiny hospital bed and go back to my chair. I write you a note, that I place on your nightstand. I take my purse and softly kiss your forehead before going out of the room. I say goodbye to the nurse, telling her to tell you I’ll be back later in the day.
(I want to relive every moment with you like it was the real thing)
I know it’s pathetic to hang onto you like this, but it’s the only chance I’ve got left with you. You would want to know the truth, I know. I even wrote you this letter to tell you eveything that happened while you don’t remember. Our 3 years of romantic getaways, Bella’s birth, the end of our relationship. But I got cold feet. And, as I hop into my car, I catch myself hoping that this would last forever. For me. For Bella.
(I love you too much)
To you, my lover, who will never read this, I love you with all my being. And, if you ever stumble on this, don’t get mad. I was just trying to protect you.
(I love you )