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Magee and Clyde’s Wonderful Adventures: Old McGregor the Zombie
Narrator: It was a gloomy October day in Cork, Scotland for Dr. Sheppard Magee. Magee was not the average 10-year-old. He had taken an online “doctor of detectivory” course and was conferred a diploma. Now he was under the impression that he was both a doctor and a detective. He was sulking in his study sipping on a bottle of aged apple juice. He was upset about the latest, ridiculous grounding granted by his dreadful parents.
Magee: Why must I pout in my quarters all day? Oh I know, it’s because I was a naughty boy (high pitched imitating his mother) and apparently my mom thinks it is not acceptable to search through Old McGregor’s garbage for evidence that he is a zombie.
Narrator: Magee was completely right. Old McGregor was Magee’s retched old neighbor who must have been about 124years old and just about the grouchiest man on the planet. It was Old McGregor’s goal in life to make the neighborhood kids absolutely miserable- especially Magee and Clyde. He would tell on them to their parents and would chase them with a cane.
Now, Magee decided it was time to go, so he cleanly slipped out of his window, a skill he had gotten good at since he did it on a daily basis. He started toward “The Tree”, or their secret hang out, where his good friend Clyde was waiting. Clyde, too, was not an ordinary child. He also thought he was Magee’s side kick, it you will. He thought he was a detective, also since Magee had put Clyde through his own version of “Detective Training” school. Now he acts as Magee’s “Watson”
Clyde: What took you so long Magee? I’ve been waiting for half an hour!
Magee: My mom needed to leave first, so I wouldn’t get caught escaping. Clyde my friend, I’ve found us a new mission. It doesn’t pay much just like the others but unlike the previous garbage mysteries, this one is for a worthy cause.
Clyde: What’s the cause and salary, chap? How bad could it be?
Magee: It pays nothing but that’s okay because it’s for my safety. You wouldn’t want to put me in danger would you?
Clyde: NOTHING! I don’t know if I can deal with that. Your life is important and all, but what about my piggy (holds up a piggy bank)? Huh? He keeps oinking because I can’t feed him since I’m not earning anything.
Magee: Sorry to here about Bacon, but I have more important things to do. We have to go through his garbage to find bloody things and zombie evidence.
Clyde: Fine, but come to my house tonight so we can search for evidence and get dressed for combat.
Magee: I’ll be there at 7:15 p.m., and I’ll bring my camouflage so we can blend into the dark and not be caught by that shriveled up raisin of a neighbor.
(At Clyde’s House)Clyde: Are you ready to suit up?
Magee: Totally let’s do this
(get dressed like ninjas)
Clyde: We look good. Now let’s practice being spies real quick so we are perfect out there and don’t slip up.
(tumble around being ninjas)
Clyde: We’re good Magee, time to roll out.
(Sneak out of house)
(At Old McGregor’s house)
Magee: I’ll take the garbage you take recycling.
Clyde: Now why would you throw this away? Ewww, it smells.
Magee: Gross, bloody napkins. That can only mean one thing.
Magee: He was eating something bloody. He threw away a chair. It’s in good condition I could use this you know. If we refurnished it would look spanking new and perfect for my study.
Clyde: You’re right, and with the perfect blue and you sitting in it, your eyes would just pop out and look dazzling. OMG!! Look at this f lyer!
Magee: “Zombie Fest October 31”. Good catch Clyde. He’s going to this I’m sure. We should follow him to make sure (Stuffs the flyer and napkin into his jacket) he is indeed a zombie
Clyde: I think we have what we need. Let’s bounce.
Magee: perfect, but I’m taking this chair, and we’ll meet up later to converse about the happenings of tonight.
(Goes home with chair)
(Talking over walkie-talkies
Magee: Clyde, I’m examining the evidence and the fest is on Halloween. What about our flawless trick-or-treat route and costumes? We won’t be able to go trick-or-treating.
Clyde: Dang it, and what I was thinking was that we would have to dress up like one big zombie too, just to be realistic so we don’t get caught. Of course you would have to be on top. (Smile on face imagining him on top of Magee’s shoulder acting like an zombie)
Magee: Good thinking and nice try, but I’ll be the one on top. Halloween is in two days. We have to get these plans together, so our night would have no mistakes. Clyde, stop slacking.
Clyde: Okay sheesh. My mom made fresh cookies if you want to come over, we can have a cookie and talk things over, so we are all clear on the night.
Magee: Alright, I’ll be over at 17:18.
Clyde: I’ll be waiting.
(At Clyde’s house)
Magee: The napkins are bloody, but I don’t know what kind of blood it is, but it’s blood for sure.
Clyde: Good. Now how do we figure out what kind f blood it is?
Magee: Umm… well, we will have to fine out by running some tests and seeing how they dry.
Clyde: Okay, let’s do human first though.
Magee: Perfect. Give me your wrist.
(Pulls out razor and Clyde shows wrist)
(Magee is about to cut horizontally across Clyde’s wrist)
Clyde: Woah Woah Woah! Go vertically there ate so many veins the other way.
Magee: Fine you wimp.
Clyde; OWWW! I’m going to bleed to death.
Magee: Oh shut up Clyde, you’re such a baby.
Clyde: I’ll cut you open and you see how it feels.
Magee: Okay done. You can stop crying now.
Narrator: They both examined the large glob of blood on the napkin identical to McGregor’s. They would have to wait for it to dry but in the meantime they would have to test the blood of the animals to see if it was the same as the dried blood on the napkin.
Clyde: Let’s go to the grocery store for meat so we can get animal blood samples to test.
Magee: Now we have to steal money out of our mothers’ purses so we can purchases the meat.
Clyde: Let’s do this.
(At grocery store)
Magee: Should we get boneless and skinless, with bone, or should we just get chicken breasts.
Clyde: I like my chicks with skin
Magee: So are we ready to check out?
(Back at house)
Clyde: Okay, we have the meat blood on the napkins right? Beef?
Clyde: Now we play the waiting game.
(Jeopardy theme song)
Magee: How about I just come back tomorrow?
Clyde: Alright. Same time, same place.
Magee: That will do Clyde, that will do.
Magee: Okay, they all look the same. That test was useless.
Clyde: Not entirely, Magee. Do you see that the cow pork and chicken blood have a lighter tint to it. But the human blood looks exactly the same as the one on the napkin.
Magee: You’re correct Clyde, exactly the same.
Clyde: So now that that’s all cleared up what do we do about the flyer?
Magee: Well, Clyde, I have two ideas. One is that we dress up like zombies and follow him.
Clyde: What about the other one Magee?
Magee: Well if you weren’t such a cow, you would have known by now.
Clyde: Moo that rhymed!
Magee: The other idea is that we follow him now before he leaves for the zombie fest and scope out any strange behavior that we catch him doing. Which one sounds good to you?
Clyde: The second one, definitely. I think we would have way more fun with it anyways.
Magee: The second one it is then. First, should we look through his windows at meal hours and see what he does?
Clyde: Excellent. We will start tonight after we play a game of LEAPFROG so we loosen out nerves and don’t mess up on the job.
Magee: My yards, right now, leapfrog time.
(Play leapfrog for 10 mins)
Clyde: Well that was fun. Now let’s go spy on an old guy.
Magee: Okie dokie. But remember, quiet like a turtle.
Clyde: Hold up, a turtle?
Magee: Duh, a turtle. Do they ever talk or make noise, ever? I don’t think so.
Clyde: fine sassafras. No need to be so snappy.
Magee: Whatever, I was just in character, but you’re the one being flippant.
Clyde: Now we’re dolphins. Can we just be clear on what water animal we are?
Magee: Can we just go now Mr. Lippy?
Clyde: I’m running low on creative words or phrases, how about you?
Magee: I’ve got a couple I’m saving for later.
Clyde: Okay, let’s get back to work.
Magee: Hurray old man spying!
(At Old McGregor’s place)
Clyde: The man is question is in sight and he seems to be Oh Mi Gawd he’s pulling a human leg out of the freezer and … I’m going to be sick, he took a bite! Magee run, run screaming in to night!
Magee: Ewww, gross don’t tell me that kind of stuff or I will start running.
Clyde: Fine, he’s just eating, but is that a real leg or not? His sliding door is unlocked and when he leaves we can sneak in.
Magee: Superb Clyde, just wonderful. So now we just wait here until that happens?
Clyde: Until he leaves I guess.
Narrator: The door clicked close and only one dim lamp was left sitting on an old wooden side table. Magee and Clyde cracked open the door just enough to slide through.
Clyde: I don’t make the decisions, I’m the sidekick. The Robin to your Batman, the Patrick to your SpongeBob, the Chewbacca to your….
Magee: (interrupt) I-I-I get it. And I’m flattered but still a little over the top there.
Clyde: Oh, now I remember. We were just about to go into the kitchen to check out the leg.
Magee: Okie Dokie.
(Opens refrigerator door)
Clyde: There seems to be some lettuce. Cheese and a human leg part!
Magee: Why is there so much blood if the leg is already…
Narrator: The low moan of the garage door opening filled the room. Clyde went into a panic but Magee just stood there too stunned to move. The door swung open and a light switch flicked on. I n walked Old McGregor in full zombie form. Old McGregor had dark bags under his eyes and dried blood on his lips and on his ripped shirt. The freighted detectives huddled together trying to formulate a plan, but before they did anything the zombie neighbor grabbed them. Instead of a loud zombie roar there was a chuckle. Magee and Clyde looked at each other, then at Old McGregor, and then back at each other without any idea of what was going on.
Clyde: I’m flabbergasted at what is happening at what is happening and I think I just peed a little.
Magee: Clyde really! After those relentless lessons and all the time I spent training you. This is how you repay me!
McGregor: Shut up you two. After I caught you the first time snooping for evidence that I was a zombie, your parents and I decided to teach a lesson. We set up baby monitors by your “Tree” and in you bedrooms. We swapped out your walkie talkies with four so we could listen
(Magee’s Parents walk through the door with sly grins on their faces.)
Magee: But what about the bloody napkin?
Magee’s mom: Ever heard of food coloring?
Clyde: The flyer?
McGregor: Or Microsoft Publisher?
Clyde: But what about the bloody leg in the fridge?
Magee’s mom: We had a bakery make a cake leg with raspberry puree in the middle for extra effects.
Magee’s dad: You know you’re grounded until you graduate high school right?
Magee: Roger, loud and clear.
Magee’s mom: And I expect the money you stole from my purse by Thursday.
Magee: But…but… but what about…wait…. WHAT!
McGregor: I hope you learned you lesson you meddling kids.
Clyde: What? Are we in a Scooby-doo episode now?
Magee: Whatever. I’m going to bed to think this through. I hop you people are happy with yourselves. Let’s go Clyde. We clearly don’t want to be here.
Clyde: I have an aged bottle of apple juice with our names on it. I think it’s from a very good year.
Magee: Besides, I hear the lady across the street is a vampire.
Clyde: Do you smell a new mission?
Magee: Our work is never over.
Narrator: And that’s the story of Magee and Clyde’s Wonderful Adventure’s; Old McGregor’s the Zombie