Cirque du Freak | Teen Ink

Cirque du Freak

January 20, 2013
By SashaaFiercex3 PLATINUM, Flushing, New York
SashaaFiercex3 PLATINUM, Flushing, New York
25 articles 28 photos 42 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Don't look back unless you're planning on going in that direction"

I am mentally an adult, stuck in a child’s body. I behave more maturely than my peers, but everyone sees me as a freak. Growing up wasn’t always easy for me. Everyone thought I had it good, but this wasn’t the case. I don’t know if it was me specifically, or it was society and the way people were brought up. Regardless, my young years were not how I pictured it would be. Well I should have looked at myself a little longer in the mirror, and then I’d see that I am everything that my school mates said I was, from to ugly to fat. The years of taunting made me believe I was at fault for all my flaws and insecurities. You could say that my self-esteem was really low. Would beating myself up have any benefits for me?
Ellias was a tall, loud Hispanic, and a disrespectful potty mouth bully. He had no mercy towards people. He was taller than any other junior high student, so that brought more attention to him. He wore baggy designer shirts and khaki pants that weren’t pulled all the way up. His pants were belted right underneath his butt. He would walk with his hands cupped around his crotch, and there was a limp to each step. He couldn’t walk like a regular human being. He had to “be cool” and walk like a gangster. He was the alpha of the group; he had to be the center of everything. When he would be bored in class or wanted to be the class clown, he would find someone to be the butt of his jokes, me.
Thinking back to those small cramped classrooms, to where my nightmares came true, all the desks were filled graffiti and profanity. The students didn’t know how to take care of their belongings let alone school property. The classroom was packed with loud students wearing designer clothing, from ecko to polo and gossiping about other classmates. The scent of sweating students packed into a small confined area lingered in the air.
Looking back I see that I had several types of personalities that often clashed with one another. Each personality comes out at different points. When I’m around family and friends I’m often outgoing and brave but, on the other hand, when I go to school I turn into a low self-esteem, depressed and a coward. The darker depressed character clashed with who I really was, a bubbly, life loving, and caring person and the darker personality won. I let the darkness overtake my emotions, thoughts, and actions. I eventually became my own bully. I used to be so alive with everyone around me, a smile would basically be embedded across my face, I would always be the one to try to make people smile but now I’m the one bringing everyone down. In school I wouldn’t speak to anyone and I would keep my head down the whole day. Not only am I negative I started to resort to self-harm as a coping mechanism to help deal with the bullying and taunting.
Mr. Santamaria, my health teacher, tried to tell me otherwise. Even though he tried to make me see the better side of things, I always pushed his advice away. Therefore, I remolded my character into a dark and depressing figure.
“As a teacher I don’t only help students because I’m suppose to; I do it because I care. Sasha has been my student for more than two years now. She would always come into class with her shoulders slouched and a caved in frown on her face. Every class a couple of class clowns would always pick on her for no reason at all. I’ve tried to stop them but nothing I did seemed to help; I’ve even talked to Sasha but she was there but her mind was elsewhere.”
Bullying has made such an impact of many students and has been around for decades and to this day it is still a big issue. The study among elementary students showed the rate of bullying happening around schools. In the child health alert it notified the reader of the statistics and impact of bullying on students. The first large study was taken in 2000 and it found that bullying concerned about 30% of American teens and preteens. (Bullying among elementary schoolchildren 1-2). Another test was taken, surveyed 3,530 grade students in the U.S. state, “overall, the study found that 22% of children were involved in bullying, either as a victim, bully, or both.” (Bullying among elementary schoolchildren 1-2). In another study dealing with depression, bullying, and self harm, “between 30% and 50% of adolescents experience depression at some point during their teenage years” (Journal of School Health 460). Teens are more likely self harm to deal with the stress of being bullied. Self harm is intentionally hurting oneself by cutting, scratching, scoring, burning, punching, and self-poisoning and can progress to something even more deadly, suicide (Journal of School Health 461).
Self-harm activities may be instigated by difficulties with school, friends, or parent; depression; bullying by others; low self-esteem; or the awareness of self-harm by others. A teen is more likely to self-harm if they have previously participated in self-harm activities… (Journal school of health 461)

The author's comments:
This was actually my thesis paper for my college class. Its a personal story about bullying along with other major points.

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