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I hadn’t slept at all that night. Angry at myself for shredding the letter. When I got home and got the mail. There was a letter for me, I took one look at the return address and grabbed a pair of scissors and hastily shredded the contents. I should’ve just read it. Now I wish I knew what it said. Lying on my bed watching the minutes pass, my phone started ringing. Which was weird who would be calling me at three in the morning?
It was Cameron.
“Don’t hang up I need to explain,” he said before I had a chance to say hi.
“Fine,” I said, “So…”
“Its my choice and my choice only,” he protested
“I know,” realizing I was yelling.
“I knew you were going to get mad at me again.”
“Im sorry,” I said, “I just don’t understand”
“You know this, I can’t go through all the treatment again. It was hard enough the first time when I was seven.”
“I know but that doesn’t mean you leave behind the ones you love,”
“I’m not leaving you behind I will always be right next to you always and forever”
Lying on my bed we talked for the rest of the day about old memories good times, and bad. I hadn’t eaten in days and hadn’t been to school either. As if being a teenager wasn’t hard enough, add a suicidal boyfriend with terminal cancer.
When we were little we were called the three musketeers. Ally, Cam, and I. Our church group gave us that name because we were the “three musketeers” in our play so we got that name and we couldn’t get rid of it. Not that we wanted to it, just stuck. Cam had always been the troublemaker, so the other two musketeers would cover for the troubled one. I was outside on my trampoline. When my phone rang. I answered it…
“Hey” I said catching my breath.
“Hello. It’s Ally” the sad voice on the other end said.
Hey? What’s wrong?
Umm… Cam wanted me to ell you something... he just found out his cancer relapsed. Then the line went dead.
I fell down to the ground mad at everyone for ever getting so close to him. I couldn’t help but wonder why someone with such potential as a person deserved such a horrible thing. What had he done to deserve this? He hadn’t done anything. He was an amazing person why couldn’t it have been me? Instead. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing I thought it was a horrible nightmare and I would wake up soon, I never woke up. Sometimes I think I’m still living that nightmare.
When Cameron first found out he had relapsed, he made a list of all the things he wanted to do before he died. He had always loved kids. So I wasn’t surprised when the first thing on his list was to have a kid of his own. Ally had agreed to it. As much as I loved Cam I wasn’t about to have his baby. If I didn’t love Cam and Ally as much as I do. I probably would have been mad. But I wasn’t angry at all I was actually happy that Ally could be there for him because I couldn’t. If Ally hadn’t agreed with his wish I think he would have died that day. Cams parents had agreed to let Ally live with them. Ally’s mom didn’t like that idea at all. I had heard from Ally that Cam was smiling for the first time since he had relapsed.
Why3494: Hi Ally
AllyDaisy12: Hey. How are you?
Why 3494: Ok. I guess. How is he?
AllyDaisy12: He’s Smiling
Why3494: That’s great. I’m so glad
AllyDaisy12: Maybe He’ll rethink the whole thing
Why3494: At least he’s smiling
AllyDaisy12: Yeah. One step at a time…
I hadn’t talked with him but I had seen pictures and he looked happier then I had ever seen him. So I began to feel relieved, until one day I got a call from him…
“I’m dying,” he said
“Well duhh you haven’t been getting any treatment,” I joked.
“I feel like something’s eating my insides,” he exclaimed and I knew he was serious. I had heard, seen, and cried with him before, yet this was different. I couldn’t listen any longer and had to hang up. I felt horrible like I had just given up. But we had been able to read each other’s feelings since we were little. The pain I felt in my heart after hearing that he was giving up was unbearable. He understood why I had to hang up. I wished I could have been in North Carolina with him. We had been together for the previous two years. I can still hear his last words that day “I love you.” I wish now I had said something meaningful. But I didn’t.
“Do you get it?” he said
“Yes. I do but I don’t understand.” I said in tears. I had been trying to convince him his choice was going to be a mistake.
“Emma, do you know how much I love you?” he questioned
“Of course I do.” I cried.
“Good. I just can’t do this I’m sorry. I love you”
He had already injected air into his veins. The worst part is he killed himself with the syringe that was supposed to save him. His last chance to save his life and he used to commit suicide. Before I had a chance to say any thing. I wish something powerful had come out of my mouth, to stop his actions but I was speechless.
After he died I flew down for his funeral. His mom picked me up from the airport.
“Can you do me a favor,” she said
“Anything,” I said, “Anything”
“Could you say something at the funeral? You knew him better then anyone.” I had always felt like a part of the Perdue family but now more then ever.
“I’ll do it” I wondered why I had agreed. I should have guessed it was going to be hard but I hadn’t even really thought it through. After I had gotten to meet baby Danielle and catch up with Ally, we went to sleep. We hadn’t really caught up just really small talk. Their house was small so the only place left for me to sleep was Cams bed. At the time when I had agreed yet again I didn’t think it was going to be quite so hard. I was used to not sleeping but sitting in his room, which still smelled like him was unbearable. I remember the first time he said those words again “I love you” this time for the first time. We had returned from watching his football game and I had sat in the freezing cold. We had gotten back and were celebrating their win. I was sitting in his room on his desk listening to every football thing he had said: “our defense was horrible, but our offense was unstoppable.” Suddenly he stopped talking football and said,
“Guess what? I love you” He touched my face and pulled my hair out of my eyes.
“Aww I Love you too.” That one moment was the most amazing memory I have of him. After thinking about all the fun times in that room I had gotten tired and wanted to sleep. I moved to the living room floor. On my way there I noticed two pictures on his door: one of the three musketeers, and another of Cam, and Baby Danielle. I still don’t to this day understand how someone with such a beautiful baby girl. Would take his own life. He had everything he needed to make it through his cancer. Everyone had faith in him… except the most important person…Cameron.
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