“All I can do is be me, whoever that is.” | Teen Ink

“All I can do is be me, whoever that is.”

September 19, 2023
By Anonymous

Jose Corona, band member of The Red Pears, once said “All I can do is be me, whoever that is.” I remind myself of this every day. Sometimes it keeps me up at night and makes me question my future. Not just that, my parents are always questioning me about my future asking, “Which college do you want to go to?” “What do you want to study?” “What are YOU going to do the rest of your life?” The truth is, I have no idea what I want to do. I’m a person of many hobbies and interests  I just don’t know what I want to be my focus. For example, one day I want to be a mechanic, the next day I want to be a Nurse and then I want to be an artist. I just can’t stick to one occupation because I like them both and it’s a constant struggle within myself that makes me stressed. I was raised by immigrant parents so the pressure is even greater on me. 

 My mom being from Queretaro, Mexico, had spent time living in Dallas, Texas where she later moved to South Carolina because of my aunt living in Batesburg, South Carolina. Dad being from Hidalgo, was all over the place, in Arizona, Texas, and later on settled in South Carolina because he could make a living here. I don’t remember much of my childhood, only vivid happy moments. I remember having my first dog, my first day of school, and a really cool car bed that every kid fantasized about. I was one hyper kid with many ideas, as if I had a pot of ideas and whatever I pulled out, it would be what I would want to do that day. My mom was my best friend, she was always at home with me and my dad was always working at a plant nursery so he never had time for me. I never had a perfect relationship with my dad. It felt as if I never had a father. I only have one blurry memory from when he was working at the nursery late. My mom and I went to go see him and he was driving one of those really tall green John Deere tractors. I sat on his lap with my hands on the wheel pretending as if I were driving and for a second I felt happy, thinking to myself that my life would change. Nothing has changed, to this day my dad still works every day and I work with him, for these last 4 years we have developed some sort of father-son relationship and I understand why he always worked but I still wish he could have more time for me. I didn’t have a father figure, someone I could look up to, which left me with a gap in my mindset asking myself, “Who am I?”. 

I think at a young age we want to have these crazy dreams of being a Cop, Astronaut, or Firefighter, and the teachers would applaud us for thinking about our future but when it came to me, I simply blurted out what seemed heroic, a firefighter. Truth is I had no clue what I wanted to be. At the age of 5-6, my mind was an empty, a grayish-dark hollow space and it wasn’t because I didn’t know any careers but I didn’t know what career would satisfy me. I landed with music production in 8th grade. I have a strong passion for music, I’m always wearing earbuds and listening to music, The Red Pears, Coldplay, or rock from the 90s like The Goo Goo Dolls or the Eagles. If music was in an IV bag then I would be hooked up to it for life. I later understood that the music industry isn’t as easy as it seems and production schools and classes were way too expensive. So I decided to go with my second choice in my junior year which was auto engineering and mechanics. I would consider myself an amateur when it comes to being a mechanic, I do my own maintenance and I fix my friend's cars now and then. I almost became a mechanic in Georgia but the guy never contacted me back, so there went my opportunity and I got unmotivated and decided to call it quits as of career choice. My junior summer was miserable, I felt like I was going to be a failure and disappoint my mom after everything she’s done for me. That June, my mom had randomly gotten sick one night and I had to take her to the emergency room. It was eleven pm when we arrived and she didn’t get a room until seven in the morning. I tried my best to stay up that night, drinking Redbull and Coffee, patiently hoping she’d get a room as soon as possible. The cold room with sick people sitting with their blankets, the tv’s with late-night shows playing, and the sounds of the Holter monitors made me consider a lot of things about the medical field. “Why don’t you become a nurse?” my mom suggested. I always liked helping others because I’m a naturally kind-hearted person. My mom has also had health issues for years and I want to help her as much as I can. I know that any position in the medical field is never easy but I decided to go with nursing and it’s not that my mom decided that for me but I want to try harder and actually try to accomplish something big for myself, even if I have to pull multiple all-nighters. I want to do this because I've come so far with the knowledge I have and it would all go to waste if I gave up right now. As of right now, All I can do is be me, whoever that is. 

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