It Hurts to Know | Teen Ink

It Hurts to Know

March 5, 2010
By AmbientAuthor GOLD, Mclean, Virginia
AmbientAuthor GOLD, Mclean, Virginia
14 articles 2 photos 16 comments

On January 12, 2008, I killed my best friend. People think it was an accident. But I still blame myself.

Juliet and I had been friends since I was four and she was five. Our mothers were both scrap booking fanatics and whenever my mom went over to Juliet’s house, I had to come.
Eventually, one thing led to another and we became the best of friends.

We were the perfect match. She had blond hair and blue eyes and I was you average brunette. She was outgoing and sometimes a bit crazy (which by the way, I loved). I was shy but always trying to be funny. Juliet was like a sister to me. We grew up together. We were always kind to each other and never once fought about anything. Until that day…

Juliet and I were so happy when she got her license. Actually, I was just glad I had a friend with a hot sports car to drive me in. To celebrate this new step in her life, we decided to grab a bite to eat at Tony’s Pizza Palace across town.

The fight didn’t start out as much. I wanted bacon on my pizza and Juliet wanted pepperoni.

“Oh c’mon, Chaycee! You always get what you want.” she said stubbornly. “For once could you not act like such a brat?”
I rolled my eyes. Probably just PMS, I thought.

We got pepperoni.

As we finished our pizza, I took the last sip of the large Coke we were sharing.
“Really Chaycee? You took the last sip?” she said angrily. “ What is wrong with you? You know that’s my thing!”

Yep. Definitely PMS.

I ignored her as I walked through the door and out towards her blue Mustang. I shivered and zipped my jacket up against the harsh winter cold. I hopped inside the warm car and waited for her return.
When she came back she kind of shrugged at me and closed the door. She started her car and asked,
“So where do you wanna go?”
“I don’t know. I’m just a brat, remember Jules?” I replied.
“Oh yeah. Sorry about that. Probably just PMS.”


I smiled. “It’s okay. How ‘bout getting some ice cream?”
Juliet laughed. “You read my mind.”

To get to our favorite ice cream shop, we had to cross Route 95, the highway. I wish I had known what a mistake this would turn out to be. Especially on a cold, dark night, when the roads were covered in black ice.

On our way there, we started talking about normal things like school, clothes, boys…
When she told me that a cute boy asked her out and she had said yes, I was happy for her. Until I learned that the boy she was going out with was the same boy I had been crushing on for a whole year. I tried to stay calm but I felt betrayed. Jules had known how much I liked him. I told her how I felt and she tried to understand.
I wanted her not to go out with him. But she wouldn’t budge.

“Chaycee, can’t I have a little fun? I mean, it’s not like were going to anything…”
Juliet ‘coughed’ sarcastically.

She laughed. “Just kidding.”

That little comment just made me madder.

“Oh please, girl. Get over him. He obviously likes me not you.” she said.

I knew she was just teasing but I was fed up with her smart remarks.
With my face turning red in anger, I gave Juliet a hard punch in the arm. She turned towards me and started, “Chaycee, what the…” Then she screamed.

It all happened so fast. The accident was all a blur to me. Her blue Mustang slipped on that invisible black ice. We crashed into the metal guard rail and came to a stop. I gasped, thinking it was all over.
It wasn’t.

Before I could say a word, I felt a tremendous force hit the driver’s side of the car. Then everything went black.


The pain woke me up. I could feel the blood trickle down my neck. I couldn’t move anything but my head. I turned towards Juliet.

“Jules,” I croaked. “You okay?”

No answer.

That’s when I got a good look of her. Her broken body was in a huge tangle with the seat belt and the steering wheel. At first I thought Juliet was just unconscious, but then I realized she wouldn’t wake up again.

I passed out.

Again I woke up from the pain. But this time, I was dressed in a hospital gown and laying on a white plastic bed.

“Chaycee!” My mother almost screeched. “You’re awake!”

“M-Mommy…” I moaned pathetically like a child. “It hurts.”

“Oh baby I know. But Dr. Stevens here has got you on a lot of pain medicine. Hopefully it should help.”
She smiled sadly at me. Softly, my mother touched my face and a tear rolled down her cheek.
“Mom, don’t cry. Please don’t cry. I’m here. I’m fine.” I tried to fake a happy look.
She nodded but her eyes were still watery.

Suddenly my brain switched on and I remembered Juliet.

“Mom, w-hat happened to J-Juliet?” I stuttered.

My mother was fighting back sobs as she ran out of the room. She didn’t have the heart to tell me that Juliet was dead.

I went hysterical. I started ripping out my IVs and screaming. The nurses ran in and tried to calm me down. They must have thought I was nuts.

They yelled for the doctor to get a sedative to calm me down and that’s when I started to cry.
I sobbed with my whole body and I felt like someone had ripped a hole in my heart.
I had killed my best friend. But I was the only one who knew that.

Right now I feel guilty. Guilty that I am perfectly healthy and strong while Juliet didn’t live past her sixteen years.

To this day no one really knows what happened that night. They don’t know how Juliet and I fought just before she died. They don’t know anything at all.

But I know. And it hurts.

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This article has 17 comments.

on Nov. 7 2017 at 10:21 am
vanessa_z SILVER, Ventnor, New Jersey
7 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious.

Great story. Don't feel guilty, sometimes things happen, and it's hard, but we need to keep going. Good Luck

on Jun. 30 2011 at 10:52 pm
Hippiealien SILVER, Fair Oaks, California
7 articles 5 photos 43 comments

Favorite Quote:
A Idea and a number 2 pencil can take you anywhere.

amazing writing peice. It's amazing you trust us all,Don't blame yourself :) Really,no one is too blame. :)

on Mar. 16 2011 at 6:24 am
Blackmirror SILVER, Charlotte, North Carolina
7 articles 0 photos 15 comments

Favorite Quote:
Some quotes I really like:

"Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." -Aristotle
"Every man dies. Not every man really lives." -William Wallace
"Sanity is madness put to good use." -George Santayana

That was amazing!!! It's sweet to know that you trust us enough to share. Also, you are not a back person. If you feel guilty about what you did, then it shows that you really care about what happened. :) Truthfully, I think you're a good person.

on Sep. 20 2010 at 7:08 pm
AmbientAuthor GOLD, Mclean, Virginia
14 articles 2 photos 16 comments
thank you :)

Shelly-T GOLD said...
on Jul. 11 2010 at 4:28 pm
Shelly-T GOLD, Romeoville, Illinois
13 articles 0 photos 71 comments
I am really glad you trusted us enough to share that with us.  You shouldn't blame yourself, after all, you really didn't know.  Really, no one is to blame.  I am sure you will see her again someday.

on Mar. 17 2010 at 10:55 pm
deardiary BRONZE, Saskatoon, Other
3 articles 0 photos 65 comments

Favorite Quote:
It is a truth universally acknowedged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife. -Pride and Prejudice

Wow, honesty is my favourite type of writing. Good for you for sharing your story. I can just tell how caring of a person you are. Don't let anyone ever tell you different-even yourself.

on Mar. 14 2010 at 8:56 pm
Authorgal98 GOLD, Frankort, Illinois
17 articles 0 photos 194 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Let your mind sart a journey through a strange new world..."

It'salright... it's not your fault. You fought, all friends do. Even without the distraction, she probably would've hti the ice anyways. Don't worry, she still watches over you in heaven *gives a virtual hug*

on Mar. 14 2010 at 4:45 pm
whatshername GOLD, Carlsbad, California
14 articles 1 photo 112 comments
It not your fault! Best Friends fight and you had nothing to do with the car slipping. I hope that these comments can help you feel better about yourself.

on Mar. 14 2010 at 1:28 pm
CuteCourt101 SILVER, Newark, Delaware
9 articles 1 photo 64 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Acting like someone else is a waste of who you are!" ~Unknown

This was so well written. I can tell this was written from the heart. But, Please do not blame yourself for this. There is no one to blame for this. I was in am accident that was really bad, too. My sister was driving, and my side was hit. One of the officers on the scene told my mom that there was no way I could have survived a hit that hard. Thankfully neither of us did die, but it was close. My sister blamed herself for a long time, but I told her it wasn't her fault, and she got past it. I hope that you can get past this, too. I will keep both of you in my thoughts! Thank you for writing this. and Please, do not feel guilty. The story was written so well.

dramakat said...
on Mar. 12 2010 at 11:03 pm
dramakat, Newton, Massachusetts
0 articles 0 photos 7 comments
This is so well written. Maybe seeing a therapist would help you get past this. I am so sorry for your loss! <3

on Mar. 12 2010 at 4:22 pm
Pastinaface SILVER, Short Hills, New Jersey
6 articles 2 photos 7 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Be yourself, and you will find, those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

You shouldnt feel guilty. I loved the story, write more =) and I'm so sorry and ill mourn her

on Mar. 12 2010 at 11:14 am
~Wolf-Woman~ PLATINUM, Carthage, Missouri
24 articles 10 photos 31 comments
Oh my god! :( Wow...i am soo sorry. I don't know how you feel, but I can sympathize with you. I've also lost someone in a car crush, but I never felt like I was the cause. Hey's not your fault....don't blame yourself. You couldnt prevent the car from slipping on the black ice. It was unavodiable. I hope you are able to see the able to get passed it...and move on in life. You can become happy again. You won't be betraying her by getting on with your life. :)

on Mar. 11 2010 at 4:08 pm
AmbientAuthor GOLD, Mclean, Virginia
14 articles 2 photos 16 comments
thank you :)

on Mar. 10 2010 at 7:21 pm
thewriteidea DIAMOND, Pleasanton, California
67 articles 0 photos 336 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Don't cry that it's over, smile because it has happened."

oh my god...that's terrible. I know you must think that you it was your fault, but really it's not. Juliet was the one who provoked you, and after what she said, you couldn't prevent what happened. Don't stay down! I hope you feel better.

on Mar. 10 2010 at 5:39 pm
AmbientAuthor GOLD, Mclean, Virginia
14 articles 2 photos 16 comments
i know i shouldnt. thanks :)

on Mar. 10 2010 at 9:38 am
salem_rose SILVER, Brainerd, Minnesota
7 articles 4 photos 17 comments

Favorite Quote:
Imagination is the beginning of creation. You imagine what you desire, you will what you imagine and at last you create what you will ~ George Bernard Shaw

oh my gosh! that was really, really sad. i agree with pinkxoxilu

pinkxoxilu said...
on Mar. 10 2010 at 6:22 am
pinkxoxilu, Rochester, New York
0 articles 0 photos 4 comments

Favorite Quote:
There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

I don't think you should blame yurself! Your friend is still in your heart, this happened to one of my friends too.