Dating for Dummies | Teen Ink

Dating for Dummies

May 10, 2013
By Shadowpomgurl PLATINUM, Canton, New York
Shadowpomgurl PLATINUM, Canton, New York
22 articles 0 photos 126 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I was NEVER that drunk." -Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow

This is the condensed version of a book we're compiling and editing- "The Dummies' Guide to Dating". It's a self-help guide of essays, interviews, and stories about love written by various people in our lives. Coming soon to a theater near you! Everything you need to know about love, luck, and lust!


Let's start with David, a friend of my mom's.
MD: What do you think about true love?
David: It doesn't exist.
MD: Uh...(nervous laugh) is there any point to dating?
David: No.

Whoa. Moving on, though, let's go to J-Mizzle, our brother, who by all accounts is a regular fount of wisdom. Or not. But he does get with a lot of girls!
J-Mizzle says, "Be mysterious. Are you interested in what you know? No. So I never tell her 'bout me; I ask 'bout her, 'cause that's usually what women want to talk about anyway. That way, she doesn't learn 'bout me, and still thinks I'm enchanting."


Well. That's, ahem, an interesting bit of advice. We wonder if it works as well for women, since men are notoriously less talkative. Let's ask a female source, who prefers anonymity, her thoughts on men.
Anonymous female source: Never sleep with a man unless you've known him for at least six months. Of course, your brother was the exception.
MD: .....


We have to move on, Fraidies and Lents! We asked my tough lil sister the best way to flirt.
"If you punch someone, and they don't hit you back, it's a good start."
(There was also an extended version involving physically assaulting a man's personal region, but for the sake of decency, we edited it.)


We went to my wise older sister, Sylvie.
MD: What would you look for in an ideal guy?
Sylvie: What's an "ideal guy"?


Well, let us keep moving! Let us keep moving! A good friend, Angelica, once told us this, in response to a query about why a 22 year old man will approach a 14 year old girl and try to get with her:
"Guys don't have an age scanner. They're like, 'Oh...cute chick!' They don't even see age."
We suppose this explains a lot!


We need another male opinion here. We would like to quote our good friend Jeff, who once informed us, in a completely legitimate discussion, "You can not have sex with clothes on! It'd get so sweaty!"
(We swear it was a legitimate discussion. Just for the record!)


There have been inquiries from female readers about what to do if you have not been blessed with large, ahem, assets in front. We took them to yet another sister, Aisha, for a brief answer.
MD: What should i do about my small boobs?
Aisha: Well, I dunno about you, but I can't go into a store without seeing an advertisement for some new "Wonderbra" that will "magically add three cup sizes!" Although, if you ask me, that's false advertisement on your part, 'cause you'll only be an A-cup until you take it off.


In closing, we would like to add one last quote that sums up the whole experience of love. As rapper Delon says, " Report to my table if yo booty like--"
Oops, wrong quote! We meant, as our oldest sister Elizabeth says, "True love isn't like a fairy tale. It takes hard work and concessions."

The author's comments:
haha, hope yall like! if you were mentioned in it...y'know who ya are! XOXOXO

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