Murderer! | Teen Ink

Murderer! MAG

May 18, 2011
By UltimateZombieToast BRONZE, Atwood, Michigan
UltimateZombieToast BRONZE, Atwood, Michigan
2 articles 0 photos 3 comments

I believe that eating Marshmallow Peeps is committing murder. Every year when Easter rolls around and people get out their baskets and their eggs, I attempt to buy out all the Marshmallow Peeps in every store. Why would I do this pointless and slightly insane act, you ask? Well, I figure if I rescue all the Marshmallow Peeps in my town, they will repopulate despite the enormous losses in the other parts of the world. It works too; every year there are more Easter Peeps than the last.

Why no one has thought of this before is entirely beyond me, but someone has to save the Peeps. This is why every Easter I spend hundreds of dollars on my dream. I've thought about protesting – dressing up as a giant pink sugar-coated bunny – but in my dreams that scenario always ends in tragedy. I've thought about carrying signs with catchy slogans like: “Save the Bunnies and Ducks!” or “Eating Peeps Is Murder!” but being sent to an insane asylum is not going to further my cause. In truth, a lot of what I do sounds like insanity, but I can't give up what I believe just for the sake of fitting in. If I must pay penance, for the sake of my sugar-coated duck and bunny friends, I will – happily. Well, maybe not happily, but I will do it.

I really can't see why everyone needs to eat Peeps. After all, there are plenty of non-homicidal food out there. Cookies, for instance, taste really good and fill your mind with subliminal Cookie Monster messages.

I remember the first time I ate a Marshmallow Peep. I was six and my mom blew it up in the microwave. It was a garish pink, and because she nuked it too long, the sugar had melted and ran all over the mass of puffed, revolting fluff like blood. Its eyes popped off and the sockets looked cross-eyed.

Anyway, I think my message is pretty clear: QUIT KILLING MY FRIENDS. Next time you open that package containing the bunnies, or ducks, remember what I said. Remember the massive expense I pay for their freedom. Remember their tears and their poor popped-out eyes. Remember: Eating Marshmallow Peeps is murder.

The author's comments:
I don't know what to say about this piece.

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This article has 6 comments.

TooFilthy said...
on Feb. 3 2016 at 1:05 pm
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment
please tell me this is satire

on Jun. 26 2015 at 10:30 am
addictwithapen PLATINUM, Norfolk, Virginia
21 articles 14 photos 163 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I'm at it again as an addict with a pen." - twenty one pilots, addict with a pen

I have sinned. I have eaten marshmallow Peeps. I have blow them up in the microwave. And for this I am now sorry. I am ashamed to say that I never thought about the situation from the Peeps point of view. But now, as I imagine the claustrophobic conditions, packed into the containers like sardines, and then the terror and agony of being eaten and possibly even melted to a pulp, I have the urge to run to the nearest grocery store, buy all the Peeps, and set them free in a sunny meadow. Thank you, thank you, for opening my eyes to this serious issue. I hope that we can now work together to prevent this abhorrent Easter practice from continuing. P. S. My mother used to be a prop designer for the theater, so maybe I could convince her to make us Peep costumes?

on Apr. 25 2012 at 12:20 am
i_am_so_very_large_and_towering SILVER, Mililani, Hawaii
5 articles 1 photo 114 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Yet what is any ocean but a multitude of drops?"

oh . . . i feel like such a bad person now.

great article!!!!

KatsK DIAMOND said...
on Apr. 21 2012 at 3:59 pm
KatsK DIAMOND, Saint Paul, Minnesota
57 articles 0 photos 301 comments

Favorite Quote:
Being inexhaustible, life and nature are a constant stimulus for a creative mind.
~Hans Hofmann
You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you.
~Ray Bradbury

This is very funny and I really enjoyed it as well.

on Apr. 19 2012 at 11:30 am
beautifulspirit PLATINUM, Alpharetta, Georgia
35 articles 0 photos 1398 comments

Favorite Quote:
The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
--Eleanor Roosevelt

Your piece was very funny~ I really don't understand why people find marshmallow peeps appetizing either. 

on Apr. 14 2012 at 9:39 pm
DoloresDarling, Cambridge, Ohio
0 articles 0 photos 137 comments

Favorite Quote:
Sarah Michelle Gellar- [on the importance of reading] I love books. I\'m constantly afraid we\'re moving into this digital era where books are going to go away, and to me books are the basis to everything in life. Reading is how we function.

Awh.. I loved this! Lol  I don't really like eating them, so go! Lol I saved some for yah..<3