A Satirical Letter | Teen Ink

A Satirical Letter

September 27, 2022
By Anonymous

To Whom it May Concern,  

       I must begin by sharing my utmost appreciation of the school thus far. My child has only succeeded in this institution, with soaring grades, and the issue with over-pepperonied pizza has been taken care of with due diligence. With this stated, I have become aware of the new policy in your classrooms, or rather the lack of. First and foremost, my daughter has admitted to having a crush on a male student in her classroom. Moreover, she has informed me of her female teacher, Miss Abigail Robbins, briefly using the term “husband” in correspondence to her marriage. A vomit bucket sits next to my desk as I type this out, as precaution. The same teacher has sent my daughter home with a biology book also depicting these sorts of heterosexual relationships. What a horrid sight it is to see a male and female penguin holding wings. With not only my child but other impressionable children in mind, I find these topics of heteronormativity to be horrifying, especially when integrated into my child’s education. 

       These sorts of perverted relationships should not be expressed in your classrooms. One day she will see a boy and girl frolicking through flower fields, but at her impressionable early age I could not even consider the horror. I do not care about the “real world” when I intend your classrooms to shelter my children and recite a pledge to God every morning. Me and other parents will not tolerate your hetero propaganda; leave it to us to teach our children to be heterophobic! What’s next? Will teachers start accurately depicting historical relationships in your American History classrooms, too? I stress you need to make a change, for the future safety of our children, or else I will vote for a bill to restrict American education even more than it already is and put further stress upon Floridian teachers and students. Does the title Don’t Say Straight sound good? 

Thank you in anticipation, 


The author's comments:

I was required by a teacher to submit this to a writing website, and I enjoy this website so I chose it lol. I enjoy writing a lot, but satire isn't my strong suit, it's just what I was required to do. But hey, never hurts to try!

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