Casualty | Teen Ink

Casualty

June 5, 2012
By Behind_a_Plastic_Smile GOLD, Roseville, California
Behind_a_Plastic_Smile GOLD, Roseville, California
17 articles 1 photo 129 comments

Favorite Quote:
"if you're not 1st you're last"


I've been damaged
Maybe even beyond repair
Blood soaked through the bandage
No one ever said that life was fair

'Cause it's a battle
And now I'm left with no recourse
Thrown off the saddle
Apparently have no remorse

The clock now ticking
Victims line up
Ripe for the picking
It's sickening

But what can I say
The casualties rise
Each and every day
So lets be wise, avoid demise

So then I think
Why can't we have peace?
And I click my heels three times and blink
Suddenly all the violence has ceased

At least for now
And as I look around, spellbound
I say wow
For it's a perfect world that I've found



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This article has 5 comments.


on Apr. 7 2013 at 1:51 pm
laurengerhard SILVER, South Windsor, Connecticut
8 articles 0 photos 124 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I am gone quite mad with the knowledge of accepting the overwhelming number of things I can never know, places I can never go, and people I can never be." -Sylvia Plath

These look and sound like song lyrics, so I'm assuming that's what they were supposed to be. Either way, beautiful writing! Xo

on Jul. 27 2012 at 8:35 pm
StrangeJade PLATINUM, Relative Obscurity, California
36 articles 17 photos 389 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Life is so beautiful that death has fallen in love with it." - Life of Pi

The rhyming here borders on being a little too singsongy, but you always manage to bring it back down to earth somehow. :) Remember not to force the rhymes, though. Good job!

on Jul. 27 2012 at 8:35 pm
StrangeJade PLATINUM, Relative Obscurity, California
36 articles 17 photos 389 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Life is so beautiful that death has fallen in love with it." - Life of Pi

The rhyming here borders on being a little too singsongy, but you always manage to bring it back down to earth somehow. :) Remember not to force the rhymes, though. Good job!

Eirias SILVER said...
on Jul. 26 2012 at 5:52 am
Eirias SILVER, Spring, Texas
5 articles 0 photos 70 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you wish to be a writer, write" -Epictetus

Well, the first thing I say to everyone that does this: Please use punctuation! It is incredibly off-turning when there is no punctuation. Reading poetry without punctuaton is no different that reading prose without punctuation All the lines tend to blend together You can figure it out where the periods and commas should be but it still stops the reader for a second If I'm just browsing poetry on TeenInk when I'm bored, I'll usually just stop when I see that the writer just skipped puncutation . . . it's very . . . unprofessional Sorry for the rant

For some reason, I started reading this and it was sounding as a rap . . which is wierd, because I don't even listen to rap . . . I find it very hard to evalutate this as poetry, because every time I read it, the lines are rapped to my ears.

As poetry, this irregular rhyme scheme would be jarring, if I could read this as poetry. I'm sorry, I can't evaluate any more technical aspects of the poem.

I feel like the last stanza was really anticlimatic. You went from this grand theme of anti-war, to this very insignificant brag of your attainment of nirvana (sorry if I exaggerate a little).

I would really reccomend you try to turn this into a rap . . . Lots of people at my school engage in rap-off contests--perhaps try giving this to one of them and seeing if they can add rap beat to it? If you don't rap yourself, of course.

 


on Jul. 26 2012 at 5:09 am
Pika_Princess, Escondido, California
0 articles 0 photos 118 comments

Another wonderfully written poem! I must say really good, especially since this is a topic that I also feel deeply about. 

I really liked everything you had to say, but one thing stuck out to me: the last two stanzas. You built up the poem perfectly up to then and a part of me feels that you can end the poem without the last two stanzas because the last line of the previous stanza seems to say it all in a simple and concise manner: so let's be wise and avoid demise (I would suggest adding the and in place of the comma). The last two stanzas make the solution to this big issue seem simple and as much as I wish it were, it isn't...of course if you would like to keep that ending (because the clicking the heels ending was actually really nice) I would then suggest that you gat rid of the last three or at least the last two lines and stop it at at least for now since that has a bit of a foreboding tone to it.

I truly hope this did help.