Confessions of a Girl with Tourette's Syndrome | Teen Ink

Confessions of a Girl with Tourette's Syndrome

March 30, 2010
By Isabeau-Molly GOLD, Cedar Rapids, Iowa
Isabeau-Molly GOLD, Cedar Rapids, Iowa
10 articles 3 photos 0 comments

Favorite Quote:
"When a person is lucky enough to live inside a story, to live inside an imaginary world, the pains of this world disappear. For as long as the story goes on, reality no longer exists." -Paul Auster

I can hardly breathe anymore without the pain

The pain that burns through the lining of my throat

Preventing me from screaming

Which from where I'm fighting is all I have left to do

I struggle and I struggle

Against anger and fear

But nothing comes of it

I'm lost in a world

Where more is all there ever is

The future is the only thing holding me together

The hopes and dreams that I once had

Are slowly evaporating into the mist

But you, you save me from this darkened path

What I would do without you, I have no idea

For without you, there would be no light

I can't forget that you are by my side

When things get so hard there's nothing left to do but cry

And I hate crying

I always have

There's just something about breaking down

That's never felt like it was in my best interest

Maybe it was the way I learned

To be stone cold for others

To be that rock that everyone wants to have at their beck and call

And now, I don't know how to lose it

I don't know how to forget myself and feel

I never had a hard life before

I had the perfect family, supportive and kind

Passionate about me and what I would leave behind

And honestly, it can't be that hard now, can it?

I'm not fighting for my life

Afraid of dying in months

I'm not straving

I'm not being abused

I'm not unloved

The soreness in my belly

From this lack that I feel

Might all be because I'm a freak

Afraid of being revealed

But it's something I can't hide

No matter how hard I try

I walk the aisles at the supermarket

Or the hallways at a showchoir competition

And there is always someone laughing

Always someone staring

And no matter who is with me I always feel alone

Because no one knows this pain

Of being a freak in plain sight

A vampire in the daylight

A person who literally barks and bows

Without her consent

A person trapped in a body that used to be theirs

But now has turned into nothing more than a malfunctioning outer shell

The author's comments:
I was diagnosed with Severe Complicated Tourette's Syndrome officially three weeks ago, but I have known that something was wrong for close to two years.

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