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the end of the world
drops of melted sun spilled onto the earth.
they all fall, forming puddles
i step in the broken space and see my reflection and my face is sad and crying and mostly just tired from all this time we've spent waiting, fearing, this very day when the world doesn't work anymore.
now as destruction reigns around me,
exhausted souls that are not worn out like your favorite jeans but worn out
like they're too tired for this life and too tired for love.
and as the former lights of the sky streak by,
this time becoming
i, too, feel worn out.
because even during the days of sunshine and smiles and stereos blasting carefree songs there was still pain and poverty and problems and people praying in desperation.
and there was still
and lost love
and losers who were constantly kicked down
and this makes me even more sad because where has the joy gone?
have we ever possessed it, or is it only something we held briefly when were blinded by ignorance and carelessness in youth and the fake dreams we made up to help us fall asleep?
i see the dirt under my fingernails
and it has been there forever
and it's funny what we can get used to.
words start covering me now.
they're wrapped around the debris from the sky,
they elegantly land in my hair and on my eyelashes and i blink,
trying to get the sting out of my eyes.
they are heavy and my heart starts to sink.
i don't want their message.
because i know what they're trying to say and i don't like it.
i'm falling now.
my stomach tightens and i think i'm going to be sick and i know why.
because the truth has landed on top of me and it's crushing my lungs and i cannot breathe and i want so badly to inhale but instead i hear pounding in my head and it's stressing me out and scaring me and i want this all to end.
that is what the weight is telling me.
-you are the reason for the destruction.
-you created this.
of course i didn't.
i'm a good person who doesn't [usually] mess up.
and like i have the power to break the world.
this is someone else's fault.
but then i see.
we all created this,
a counteract to He Who Is Good.
we are why there is sadness and darkness and tears.
defying our Father,
we made black out of beauty,
marring and staining the once-perfect world.
and it hurts inside, but it's the kind of hurt that you don't want to leave because it feels good, like a bruise except it's in my heart, and i sit up and stare at what isn't there anymore and i know that even in the darkest moments, He is there so i should not fear.
that's what i tell myself even though i don't feel that way because the unknown is frightening even if you think you know what's going to happen.
as i feel the moon crash down--
a silvery orb of impact--
all i feel is guilt for deserting my Lover
and a sudden longing to get away from this earth
and a strange happiness that it really is over and i will never be lonely again.
and i close my eyes,
apologize to my Maker,
and wait until the world is done ending.
West Jordan, Utah
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