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This piece is something that actually happened to me. Nothing inspired me this is just showing how I reflect my feelings from memories.
Sometimes it may be hard. It may be hard to do anything. Climbing a big mountain, surviving the impossible, trying to keep everything perfect. Well as hard as those things may sound I have a struggle too that is a hardness for me, and anyone may have this struggle/hardness or difficulty but for me it became more than a struggle, an impossibility. But so on and so forth impossibilities become possible, that is for me, a girl who couldn’t make friends.
I used to sit alone in the cafeteria, a place where teachers say its a great way to make new friends but its the total opposite because I used to sit all alone by myself, and other girls would just stare at me like if I were a monster or a weirdo. Girls like Alexandra which literally she thinks she owns everyone just by knowing a stupid secret of them. She flirts with many boy but then dumps them to make them sad and she becomes the teachers pet so that she can have any privilege that any one else can’t have. She is the typical stereotype popular girl with the blonde hair and the deep blue eyes with the extremely nice character with boys but with the evil act with the girls, she knows everyone’s secrets but no one knows hers. Well going back to me sitting alone and girls staring at me I mean I get it I actually get why they were staring at me like that, maybe because theres an eight year-old girl sitting alone in a 10 chaired table, and maybe others wanted to seat there too just not with me. There was one time were one of Alexandra’s friends came with me. Her name was Hazel and she was so freaked out you could literally see her shake badly, but it wasn’t because she had a problem or anything I think she was just scared. She came and told me, “Ana you need to seriously stop sitting in this tables the girls are getting mad at you because you're using too much space,” I never answered because I was thinking, but then I saw her looking at the girls. I thought, was she scared? Was she scared of the girls judging her for talking to me? Then I followed exactly her eyes and it was to a teacher I had realized she did not want a teacher come to both of us and asked if there was any trouble. She was scared she was going to get in trouble for telling me to not sit in that table. That’s typical of a popular girl. She is only nice when she gets something in return but she wasn’t getting anything in return, it was her friends who were getting something out of me leaving that table. At the time I didn’t get it, I didn’t get what was so wrong about me? But then on my friday afternoon’s and night’s I kept thinking if it was me, if it was how I looked in the outside how maybe my jeans weren’t always the skinniest or that my hair wasn’t always the longest or how maybe I wasn’t the sportiest one. Sometimes I kept thinking about it and it crossed my mind several times, but then I knew how could I be thinking such thing about my classmate? The people who have been surrounding me for several years now. Then I thought about changing my personality, to be another person, to be more like those girls who would always come to school with maybe a big positive smile on their face or those girls who would have their Juicy Couture bags beside them all the time and that they would never let the hand bag go, those girls that just think that their the most rich of all. I tried to be them once, but a big smile on my face the whole time is not who I am and I tried having a Juicy Couture bag a dozen times but my parents couldn’t afford such thing.
On lonely friday night’s I kept watching a series in my moms room while she would be out leaving my sisters in their friend’s houses.Those lonely afternoons were sad for me, and specially more when I watched my favorite series that other girls thought it was ridiculous to watch the series is called The Little Which. Suddenly one afternoon, it was very cloudy, there were raindrops in my window sliding down. I got a call, a prank call. I answered, “Hello?”
I heard laughs and whispers, they said, “Do you want free tickets to see the little which on ice?” but of course I was smart to realize that the series would never come on ice and I hung up the phone. I knew exactly who those girls were, It was Rachel and Breanna the girls who you most expect are the ones who call you for a prank call I never listened to those girls because I’ve known them all my life and they are always making fun of peoples desires/interests and peoples personalities. They are the kind of girls who could care less about your feelings who had nice personalities but just wasted them in silly things. I see the potential in them they just try to avoid getting caught either being smart or being nice. They try to be the it-girls of your times in school. Rachel is nice but only when she gets something in return, she has very light red hair and she has freckles all over her nose and her cheeks. Breanna has dark chocolate skin, she has brown curly hair and wears ponytales to school. Still it hurt. It hurt to know that I had to keep my mouth shut because I don’t have any friends to tell. It hurt that my classmates could think that I could be dumb enough to not realize that it was a prank call. It hurt that they knew I didn’t have friends and I needed one’s but still they would prank me.
Later on my 9th birthday I had made a birthday party at my house where it was like a water balloon fight party. It was a very sunny afternoon the sky was crystal blue clear and the birds sang all that they could, all the girls were having so much fun (on what I saw) but then the neighbors started to realize that we were wasting water so they told us to stop using the water and we did as so. But then all my “friends” (as they referred to me) started to get annoyed by me they were trying to avoid me they were making faces at me and I realized they just came for the fun and not for me. There was this one girl, Morgan who was even more annoying than me but just because she’s one of the rich girls no one tells her anything. So they shut off the party and she literally came up to me and told me, “Ana your party is the most boring of all please if you're not going to do anything about it can you please give me you're house phone and let me call my mom or chofer so that she can come for me.” I was sad, but I couldn’t really blame her my party was boring. She did make me feel bad but I forgave her even if she didn’t ask me to forgive her I still did, we were little so maybe she was one of those little bratty girls. The typical ones.
Any way the whole reason I was on my own for the whole year was my own fault. I remember when I was in second grade (a year before everything happened) I used to hang out with some girls and they were really cool and everything they were nice to me, but then in third grade we changed to the new school and they had built a really cool place where we could play games and running games. The court was beautiful there was very green grass in the ground all the time and there were very fun games around. We used to play tag and there was this girl Abbie, who had the tag several times and she would always tag me but instead of just touching my shoulder she would punch my shoulder and there were a few times where she made me cry or she made me go to the nurses office. I asked her to stop but she wouldn’t so then I told the others and they would always take her side. It felt horrible because I knew I couldn’t count with my friends. So I decided to leave, and thats why I didn’t have friends. I tried several times to join other gangs I would ask them “Hey guys, so I’m kind of alone and I wish I had some friends can we try to be friends?” But usually when I think someone is nice it turns out to be that their not, trust me I learned that the bad way. Sometimes when I got to my house I would come to my mom and cry my eyes out. I would run to her room and just spill every single drop of tear in her bed. It was frustrating, and depressing, to try to make something but you just can’t and its so much work you give, you just can’t get there. You just can’t. It’s hard and challenging. Well my mom always worried about me because she would do anything for me. I would crawl up her bed and she would be there to hold my head. She once told me, “Don’t try to pull friends to you, just let them slowly come to you.” The thing is of course I wouldn’t follow her saying because seriously who follows parents suggestions ALL THE TIME?
Since the crying continued she took me to a psychologist. The first time we met was a friday (because I didn’t have anything else to do of course). So it was the first day I went with her and she sat me inside with her. My mom waited outside for 30 min. My psychologist told me, “Hi Ana Sofia, I’m Vanessa.”
“Hi Banessa.” Thats how I told her, I wasn’t in the best mood.
“Would you like anything to drink?” She asked me.
“Umm, sure what do you have?” I answered and asked.
“Fruit punch, water, lemon tea and mango water. Mango water isn’t that good just saying.” She suggested.
“Can I have fruit punch?” I asked. I love fruit punch.
“Sure you can,” she handed the bottle to me. I opened it and drinked a little. I felt like I was a little girl. But then she started talking again and thats were I went like whoa we’re not friends yet. She asked me, “So how are you doing?” I kept an awkward silence. “Look I know we’re not friends and you have the right to not want to talk but you should know that whatever you want to say, express feelings, cry, say something happy, laugh, or discuss you can always say that to me. Whatever is said in this room stays in this room.” She looked like she was trying to much. Like if she desperately needed a friend. Oh but wait, thats me. I didn’t want to say anything I was trying to keep the tough act because thats what I wanted to be, tough. But suddenly my eyes got full of water. My nose was dripping and my mouth was shut. Then of course she asked, “Why are you crying?”
I tried to keep my mouth shut but then I word vomit, “I don’t know why I’m here, I don’t know this place and I don’t know you. I don’t know why my mom brought me here. I don’t know why my sisters don’t like me. I don’t know why its hard for me to have friends. I don’t know why people don’t learn to accept. I don’t know anything.” My eyes kept crying. My mouth stopped talking.
She started talking, “Look Ana So...”
“Ana!” I corrected, “I like to be called Ana because thats what everyone calls me.” I hated when people used my full name because it sounds too long and it also sounds like if they were punishing me.
Then she continued, “Look Ana you might be in a depression mode right now. You don’t know anything because people don’t talk to you because you act like someone that is hard to talk to.”
“It’s all about lies.” I cried. The moment suddenly became about my family. “The thing is that I keep discovering lie after lie and its the people that I love who keep lying to me. I don’t even know why my parents are divorced, or at least one day they’re going to I suppose. But its been about 2 years since I keep hearing them scream at each other and then I come to school and breath my anger out on the girls around me on the girls who probably want to be my friends.” I started to fix my own problems. Maybe it was that. Maybe it was because I wasn’t always the nicest person around. Maybe because I wasn’t easy on people who didn’t know me. I realized things finally.
I stopped crying. She started talking, “Maybe it is that, right?”
I had my reasoning face on. “Yes maybe it is that.”
“Look Ana I really do expect you to listen to this because what I see in you is an 18 year olds mind in a 9 year old girl. You're way of thinking about things differs from others way of thinking about things. Kids you're age have a way to fix things in a way a kid that age would, you would fix it another way because you have a more advanced mind. You think ahead. You know how to fix things ahead and you reason things. The reason you just fixed you're own problem was because you talked. It was because you expressed what you felt and thats a thing that a girls you're age would do but it would be because I don’t know maybe Kimmy stole Jim’s pencil. But you have another way of thinking and thats why you know extra things. The reason you think ahead is because of what you have been through in this age. You are going through a hard time with you're family and thats the result at school. Do you like math?”
She suddenly asked me if I liked math which was weird but I said, “Yes, math is my favorite subject.”
“Okay think it this way, sisters plus parents fighting equals you're anger reflected on friends.” I started to solve my problem in my head and I thought well yes thats actually true.
Then I asked, “But what does the things I have been through have to do with having a mind more advanced than others?”
“Ana what you have been through in this age is something that a girl you're age shouldn’t be going through.” I was confused on what she was saying but she continued, “Sometimes you might have the desire to live you're life like a normal 9 year old girl would. But you can’t anymore and that is because there is no way to travel back in time.” That brought me down so I kept quiet and she continued again, “So Ana the time is up, its been 30 minutes and you can tell you're mom if you want to come back or if now you are hundred percent well.”
“Okay, I’ll think about it. It mostly depends on how I react this week.” I answered and said, “Thankyou so much, bye”
“You're welcome and you know you can come any time.” She shook my hand and I left. I felt normal, I didn’t feel like anything actually changed. What I knew now is that I had to to talk to my mom, and it won’t be easy.
She clicked her car keys and opened the doors lock and we both went inside. She turned the car on and just while she was about to go I interrupted, “Mom”
“Yes sweetheart?” She looked normal, like if she had no problems in life.
“Mom, what is going on with you and dad?” I asked.
“Well,” She tried to interrupt.
“No mom wait, usually when I ask you this you just skip the question and this time not anymore. I need to find answers. I don’t need to discover lies. So please tell me the truth because lies are the least thing I need in my life.” I told her that because I was frustrated of all those lies. The car was filled with silent sadness and desperation. She looked bummed down but this time I didn’t care, I needed to know the truth.
Then I she sighed and said, “You're right Ana you deserve the truth.” Her eyes looked watered and her facial expression looked odd. “You see I have wished for a marriage all my life. I really have. But the thing is that what is going on with you dad and I is not right anymore. I fell in love with a man who was nice, caring, honest, and loving. He’s way of proposing was magical but then things were just wrong and the magic was gone. Do you understand sweetheart?”
“Yes mom I do, but why won’t you give it a chance?” I asked.
“Can’t you see? I already did, and some things are worth giving up.”It was depressing. Just thinking that they already gave up. How they didn’t try to solve their differences or anything.
So what I did was just buckle me up and just looked through the window. I was tearing but I didn’t want my mom to see me because she will ask me, “what’s wrong” or something like that and I really didn’t feel like talking. She then started to drive. We didn’t talk the whole time. When I got to my house I grabbed my backpack and I took it to my room. I heard my moms steps behind me so I left running. I started to take out the books out of my backpack and then like always she would come to my room and check if everything was alright. She said, “Okay Ana I’m gonna be in my room if anything come to me.”
“Okay.” I answered. She closed the door and I stood up went to my tv and hold it up because under it I had some keys. I grabbed them and went behind my couch I grabbed my safe and opened it. There was my diary. I grabbed it and opened it to the newest white page. I started writing,
Usually I don’t write on you anymore but you're my only friend and I need to tell you things. Today I went to a psychologist. She helped me fix my problem. It was nice having someone to talk to and that she would listen. So okay you may already know this but my parents keep fighting. I don’t know what about but they just do. I need some help. I tried talking to my mom but she told me they just gave up the marriage. What does that mean? Are they getting a divorce. Well I really don’t care I just want them to be happy because when they are happy that makes me happy too. Lately I haven’t been happy and thats because they aren’t too.
God, I just wish this nightmare ends some day. I just wish that this little hell disappears. I don’t know if thats going to happen but I just really wish it did.
Things at school are still not good. Girls keep staring at me, others keep pranking me. I wish they could be mature. I wish they had enough knowledge to know it doesn’t feel good and as hard as I’ve tried to just say, hey stop, they just don’t stop. It takes an 100% security level to actually get to the point where you're just frustrated and you really want it to stop. I’m probably at a 99.9% level and that 0.1% keeps getting to me. (I started tearing but I kept writing). Why are people like this? Oh I get it they don’t have a full functional mind. This are things I just can’t stand. I feel like screaming. I feel trapped I feel like the world keeps trying to bring me down. Like if I was drowning and I had a very heavy ball tied to my foot. I feel like if things are never going to be okay. I guess this is how its going to be, isn’t it. Like if the third grade is going to be a nightmare a place where you hear scratching nails on walls. Where you get paper cuts and you hear squeaky noises all the time. I guess theres no other option than to just get through with this.
Well I guess this is all I needed to tell you. Thanks for listening.
I cried all the time. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of crying all the time. I’m tired of just having to sit all the time alone. I wish 3rd grade only lasted 3 months or something. But it just can’t and it won’t.
After a little while I calmed down and I started to fix my problems again by talking. I talked to a stuffed animal. “Hey there. Look I really need to understand why this problems keep coming up. Sometimes I feel like theres no one in the world that is going to be there for me ever. Why is this? My parents are fighting. I mean that makes me sad not angry. Sometimes I wish I had a normal family. One that treats me well. One that I don’t hear loud screams from the other side of the hallway. One that I can talk to and that I later on don’t discover any lies that have been said to me.” I closed my mouth because I didn’t feel like talking anymore. I went to my bed and just layed there. I didn’t know what I was going to do now. I heard heavy steps, that meant that my dad got here. I went to talk to him, “Dad can we talk?” He was coming from work.
He sighed and said, “Look if its about you know what, I think you should go to you're mom.”
“Eww dad thats gross and no its not about that. Its about something more serious.” I was angry, but desperate too.
“Can’t it wait until morning then because I’m really tired right now.” He faked a yawn and stretch but I didn’t fall for it because 2 seconds ago he was perfectly fine.
“Dad this is very important to me, please can we talk?” I was so serious not even a wrinkled smile was on my face. We sat down in the living room. “Dad I really need to know what is going on with you and mom. And don’t even try to skip the question because I know you're little tricks okay?”
“Fine, you deserve the truth and all that comes with it. You see you're mom and I are not in the most wonderful place right now. Its complicated I don’t think you’ll understand at this age.”
That was always his excuse to everything he didn’t want to answer so I said, “You see you're doing you're tricks and actually I have learned to understand a lot of things at this age you just never notice.”
“Fine well the thing is that you're mom and I are probably going nothing anymore. Her and me, me and her are going not going to be anything. It’ll just be in a set of weeks or months till that happens. So what I want you to do is start to get ready because if this doesn’t continue then I don’t want to see you depressed. I really don’t. You are the most important treasure to me and I really don’t want anything to happen to you or you're sisters.”
That was an acceptable answer to me, I have been getting ready for several weeks now. This wasn’t anything new to me but I let him pass because it was the same thing my mom told me and that means they weren’t lying. At least thats what I hoped. “Okay thanks for being honest.” I said standing up and leaving. I went into my room and that was my conclusion. Things between my parents weren’t going to be fine and I just had to accept that because I wasn’t going to force them to be something that they’re not. The next day I woke up and dressed for school. I was trying this time to be more nicer and friendly since I knew now that I wasn’t going to be able to change my parents opinions and that their decisions are their decisions.
While I was in class a girl came to me and told me, “Did you hear about the rumour?”
“No, what rumour.” I faked being interested it looked like she wanted to talk to someone and her only option was me.
“Okay so it is said that Kelly had her pencil stolen by Lucas. Can you believe him he is so disrespectful of others things.” She sounded super gossipy.
“Yeah I can’t believe that. Its ridiculous who would do something like that.” I just went with the lead and just talked with her all the class time. It felt good to finally talk to a person in this school.
After a year or so we were best friends her name is Regina and we’ve been there for eachother since then. From that day on I had actually learned how to split my feelings at my house and my feelings at school because it wasn’t other girls fault for my mood and they didn’t deserve how I treated them because there is no actual reason for that. From one day to another I had grown and changed I felt free like a bird. Like if I had a chance now. So what I did from then is burned my diary. Told my stuffed animals that theres no need for them to hear me now. Told my parents that whatever they do I will know is for the best and that if their decisions make them happy I try to live with those decisions too. This moments of my life have changed me, they have made me the girl who I am today. A strong person who can take anything from anyone. To try to understand others from what their going through. I have made several friends that always listen to me. They are always trying to be there for me and I always can count on them. I always wish that they could know that I’m always there for them. A 60 inch smile runs across my face every day and as much as people try to bring me down I don’t let them because I know now that obstacles in life may come from other people, things or ideas and I now know how to take them I try to ignore them and just be who I am. Ana a girl who went through much and now has her life incontrol, who could find the solution to a problem solving another one. This will be something that I control the rest of my life and no matter what I will let my emotions get in control of others.