I guess I’m supposed to present myself. We’re not in a detective book or all this stuff where we know the name at the last page.

So I’m called Alex. Yeah, I’m a girl but if you’re a boy and you’re actually reading this book, just imagine I’m a boy too or whatever. I’m 13 and a half, turning 14 in November. I have one brother and obviously two parents. Bet it sounds like an answer to a ‘present yourself’ in an English test. Anyway, I think it’s still better to have a kind of boring presentation rather than nothing, when later you’ll see “Alex” and start wondering who is this girl.

I live in Brittany, basically a region of France where it rains ¾ of the year. I go to school and I’m in a special section where you have more hours of English and things like English literature or English history. That’s why I can speak at least “correct English”.

This is just a model presentation of a girl whose life is ordinary.

But I’m not normal. I could be a normal teenager, with a teenager life and everything. I'm not. Out of thousands of people, of course they thought I would be the one that would cope with this the most easily, so now my days are counted before my eyes shut off for ever.

When I learnt I had an illness that destroyed my eyesight, I think I was in a phase where you don’t really understand or realize what’s happening to you. So I just nodded quietly to the doctor, and then Mom, who was crying, brought me back home. Then, as I didn’t have any problems seeing or stuff like this, I still didn’t really know and care about my illness. Actually, the thing is, when I was even smaller, I just was so scared becoming one of those disabled people or children, but sometimes you're frightened about things and once they happen to you, finally there’re not so bad. That’s what I felt. Until the illness did really start manifesting herself. My eyes began to hurt, and I needed to put a special cream on them, to reduce the inflammation. And sometimes, my view could suddenly become all dark for several minutes, and then come back as normal.

But, strangely, this didn’t have much of an impact on me. I smiled a usual, helped as usual, saw my friends and went to school as usual. Nothing had really changed, even if I now knew that in a couple of years I’d be blind. People always think that disabled persons like me are depressive, don’t enjoy life just because of their malady. I say that’s not true in all cases. Not all handicapped people are sad and want to kill themselves. You can be deaf and happy. You can be in a wheelchair and cheerful. The reason why these persons are sometimes mournful is maybe because of the look others have on them, the things others say on them, and the reactions others can have towards them. A disabled person has just much more chances to sit alone during lunchtime. You must think I’m this sort of girl giving lessons and everything, but look, I’m 13, becoming blind and only giving my point of view on a situation I certainly know better than you do. And I’m not saying that you must help these persons, that it’s your fault and things like this, I’m just trying to explain a point that is complicated to understand, that’s all.

I was 8 when I learnt. 5 years later, I can still perfectly see. I was kind of getting hope, but all this hope fell back last week. We went to a specialist, and in one sentence he just cleared out everything. He basically said that the illness would become so intense in a very short time, and that I’d probably be blind in autumn, maybe even before. I could have expected. I should have expected. A couple of years had already passed, one day it would happen. I couldn’t wait eternally. There just was no place for hope. I said that it wasn’t so bad, that I didn’t dread the instant I wouldn’t see anymore. The problem is, I had put too many chances on hope.

“Alex, Alex! Come play with us!” Chris and Mike were shouting at me in the playground. It was recess, and our Cm1 class did its usual “police voleur”, and I was so excited to be with Mike, because he ran really fast and that our team would win most of the time.

I was born in Holland. I had been in the same bilingual class for 7 years, with the same boys and girls. We were friends, we knew each other, we always laughed and everything. Then, at 8, the illness came, but it didn’t disturb me, and my Cm1 year was as great as the past ones. It was also my last one.

12 months later, I finished my Cm2 at the Reunion, a French island in the Indian ocean. Then, I started college. I had friends, but no friends could be as nice as the first ones. I felt so far away, I couldn’t stay on a tiny island like this. I had tried to convince my parents not to move, in vain. I hated it, and my eyes hurt me, like my heart which was wounded. Finally, after 2 years which seemed centuries to me, we came back to Brittany, because all my grand parents live there.

That’s my wonderful past. Good beginning, horrible ending. I wish it would start by bad and finish by good. I don’t know if hope does actually exist, or if it’s only an emotion made to fool us, but I can’t help feeling it and believing in it. And maybe, one day, all this effort of believing will be rewarded. Or maybe my life is just a long path full of pain and lies. I dunno, I’m not a future seeing person. Lol, I’m destined to be blind, no way I'll see my future.

That’s my last day of school. 4th of July. In September, when I'll come back in class, I probably won’t see a thing. Perhaps the college accepts blind people, but I doubt it, and I’ll need to go to a special college for disabled students. Goodbye english section.

Now I’m just enjoying this day. We’re going down town this afternoon with my class. Eating at Mc Donald’s and then hanging out. I’m sure Samantha, one of my friends, is so excited because Kevin is gonna ask her out. Kevin is the most handsome and popular guy of our college. All the girls are on crush on him. Correction: Nearly all the girls are on crush on him. Not me, even if Sam doesn’t stop teasing me about this. Anyways, we’re going to have a great time. There’s a party expected tonight at Kevin’s house, I’m not invited but I’ll go with Sam and nobody’ll see.

Midnight. Music, people, lights are all around me, all around my dancing body. I forget everything, concentrating on my movements. I try to keep my eyes open, for them to enjoy this scene that will soon become black.

When the music ends, I go take a glass of water and check my phone. Mom says she’ll be here in 5 minutes. I hug Sam, say bye to my class, get out in the night with a shining smile on my face. I feel glorious. Like in the song.

Looking at the ceiling of my bedroom, all the images of the day scroll in my head. Since a long time I hadn’t felt so happy. Since… since Holland. Yeah, that’s a long way ago. One year can be long, very long. But I remember and will still remember. I have the pictures, then, even if I don’t see, it’ll be ok. From what I’ve heard, people who lose one of their senses develop more the others. When you’re blind, your hearing is much more performant. I think losing one sense also helps you more understand your body. Its weaknesses, weapons, needs, feelings. What’s going on inside. Your heart. I really must learn how to understand it. Because it has once mistaken me. Or I have mistaken it. And that’s why my beginning is not totally perfect. And that I need to change the ending. In 3 months it’ll be too late. It’s maybe too late now to succeed. But never to try. So I’ll try.

Memories.

“Give me back my rubber! Come on, Chris, stop it!!”

- “If you want it, come and get it!”

- “Ohh stop! I’ll ask the teacher to change places.”

We were laughing in class, it was every day the same story. It was more a fun thing than a nasty one, just teasing and that kind of stuff. When I finally got my rubber back, my ruler had disappeared. I turned to Chris, who was giggling ironically. Then, as he was looking behind me, I turned the other way. Mike was drawing a square with my ruler, the same chuckle coming out of his mouth. Ohhh, they were maddening me, I needed to check my pencil case constantly. We were having so much fun. The girls from my class were kind of jealous, they all wanted to be next to Mike. At lunch time, Clara and Louise always talked about him. They were in love, he was like God for them. Once again, I didn’t love the popular guy. I loved Chris. And he loved me. That’s why we were often annoying each other. We never really said “I love you”, but we knew, and all the class too. But it didn’t stop me from being very good friends with the other boys. We were a gang, with lovers in it. A happy gang.

I spent all morning in bed. I was tired, but not only. I didn’t want to wake up. I had made a cool dream, on all my class back in Holland.

I’m watching a film, a French humoristic film on war. Mom and Dad let me watch a lot of movies, knowing that in a few months I’ll only be able to hear, which for a film, is quite… disturbing. My brother is at his friend’s house, and my parents in the garden. My cat comes on the sofa next to me. I love my cat. She (yeah, I'll say she, it’s not correct but I can’t call her “it” like I call my sofa) had an accident when she was quite young, and now has a problem with her hind legs. I know she’s a cat, but still, she understands what it is to be disabled and having a problem and that sorts of comforts me. The film ends, and I check my messages. Sam is so thrilled, she kissed a boy for the first time in her life. Guess I’m glad for her. During the holidays, she is going to Corsica, and will come back in August, we plan a “meeting” 1 week before the ‘school start’. I’m not going anywhere, only to my grand parents house. You must think, ok, this girl is getting blind and she doesn’t go for it, doesn’t go anyway during her last holidays?! No, no, my parents asked me if I wanted to go somewhere special, and I said that it didn’t matter, seeing my grand parents would be enough to make me happy. But, now, thinking even more, there’s a place where I’d want to go. Of course, stupid as I am, I didn’t think of it before. However, I think it’s still possible, we go by car so no plane tickets problem. I’ll ask my parents, they’ll obviously say yes. I go back to my bedroom, I want to stay in bed. My Mom comes in a few minutes later.

“Hey! Was your film nice? Don’t you want to go outside, it’s sunny”

- “Yep, it was quite funny. No, I’ll go this afternoon. Mom, I just wanted to ask you something. You know, when you said that we could go somewhere this summer, I said it was ok. But, I was thinking and there’s maybe a place where I’d like to go.

- “But Alex, it’s probably too late now, we won’t find any flights. Why didn’t you ask before?”

- “I said I was just thinking this morning, and I didn’t think of it before that’s all. And why do you think I’d ask, if I’d know it wouldn’t be possible anymore? No, I want to go to Holland. See my friends one last time. We go by car, there’s no problem.”

- “To Holland? I thought of a country you’d never been to before. Alex, I know they’re your friends but… maybe they’ve changed school, or moved to another country. If they’re your friends, why didn’t you stay in touch with them? And you won’t see them, we’re in holidays, they surely went somewhere. I don’t really understand why you want to go. Isn’t there a love story behind all this?”

- “Mom! They’re just my friends! I stayed in touch, but Mike doesn’t answer me anymore, neither does Louise, but I do still send emails to Chris. There’s no love story, I already said I wasn’t in love with Chris anymore. You said we’d go anywhere I’d like, please Mom!”

I’m nearly shouting at her, even though I don’t want to seem rude. I know I can blame only myself and no one else. It’s my fault.

- “Alex… you just said they were not responding, there’s only Chris talking to you. And if you’re not in love with him anymore, I don’t see the point of going. You saw him last year, it’s not a long time ago. We’ll go see your grand parents, that’s what you wanted, don’t you remember?”

- “Yes, I remember, but we can go only 1 week to Holland, that won’t cost us anything, 1 week! I know we went there last year but don’t we go to grandpa and grandma’s house every month? Family, friends, it’s the same thing, it comes with the heart. Mom, please!”

I’m starting to lose hope. Why, why did I have to be so stupid?

- “Alex, you know there’s no reason going, think and you’ll see. Friends? It doesn’t mean you have spent 7 years with them they’re friends. Because friends respond, want news and would have liked to spend time with you last year. Have they done any of this? No. I know it’s maybe hurtful to say, but look, it’s only the truth. Maybe good classmates, that’s all. Forget it. I’m going to cook pasta for lunch, and go outside this afternoon, ok?”

- “Mom! You said…”

- “I said, but not a place like this. Now, don’t annoy me with this any longer”

No! How can she say this! She doesn’t even care. What are you supposed to do when even your family drops you there, leaving you behind? Ok, it’s my fault, not hers, but I can’t help feeling abandoned and angry.

- “…go out!!!! You’ll never understand. No, never, you’ll never know what it is to be blind and not to see anymore. Just leave me alone. Leave me alone!!! Don’t want to see you. And don’t come back. Don’t bring Dad. Don’t bring anyone. Get out now! Now!” It must sound a little babyish, but when you’re angry you just don’t really think before saying things.

- “Alex… Calm down…”

- “Go out! See, you don’t understand”

Tears running down. I didn’t choose. Why me? I’m alone. So Lonely. And I’m fighting. For who am I even fighting? Surely for someone. Someone who is worth fighting. Someone I love. I need to see him… I need to…

The Reunion. I open the Ipad, impatient to see my emails. 2 new emails. Chris and Mike. Without any hesitation, I click onto “Mike” and read the mail. It says:

“My class is great. We’ve received your letter at school. Everybody told me to tell you that we miss you. My best friend is Ben, as usual:). And you, who’s your best friend? And your classmates?

Ciao

Mike”

I answer him, so happy like each time he sends me a mail. Then, I read my other message.

“Hi Alex!

Yes, my teachers are nice, and my class too.

I miss you. You’ll stay my whole life in my heart, I’ll never forget you.

Hope you’re well, lots of love,

Chris”

Writing my mail, saying things that I feel are wrong, not true. But, I love him, no? Why do I have this strange feeling? I’m probably shy, that’s what you feel when you’re in love. I close the Ipad, and lie in my bed. It’s so hot outside, too hot for me. Tomorrow is Monday, another awful week. I want this to end. This nightmare where light are my mails. The sun will finish to rise and kill the darkness. Yes, after bad things good things.

I’m not hungry. I’m sick. Heart broken. Sad. Mournful. Depressive. Life… this thing we think is great. It’s so hard. So tough. But for one person, I’ll be tougher than it, and I’ll try ‘til I reach something. Now maybe you’ll think that all disabled people are like this. But no. Still. We hoped for so many things. And ‘til now, we’ve been rewarded by pain. The moment we’ll need the most for help, we'll get it. I’ve prayed, and prayed. It must lead to something. Or, at least, I think so. 

The Reunion.

“Mike,

I just wanna tell you something. I know maybe you’ll not understand, maybe you’re gonna be mad at me. But, I need to tell you, and I think I’ve waited enough. I… I’ve got a problem. An illness. That destroys my view. And, in a couple of years, I’ll be blind. I learnt during Cm1, but I didn’t really realize, so I didn’t tell anyone. Not even Chris. Now you’ll probably see me differently, as if “blind” was written on my front head. I’m not blind yet. But the doctor says I'll be this autumn. I’m telling you all this ‘cause I just needed to tell someone.”

Do I tell Chris too? No, no. He’ll never understand. And then, he’ll love somebody else.

1 week later.

“Hey Alex!

It does feel strange, surely, but I’ll always see you as “Alex”, a cool friend. I’m sorry for you, it must be so hard. I couldn’t live through this. But I know you’re strong, and that you’ll overcome everything.

Nice day,

Mike”

This is more than light. It’s just… no word to describe it. What is even better than happiness? I dunno, but that’s what I’m feeling. I knew he’d understand. Yeah, good thing after bad thing. Super thing, I mean.

During dinner, I’m smiling as I’ve never smiled since a long time, and my parents seem to be happy seeing me like this. They think I’ve finally moved with them, and sort of forgotten the past. If only they knew it’s this same past that delights me. I go to bed joyful, whispering this angelic mail. Angelic? I guess…

-“Alex, Alex. Can I come in? Mom told me what happened, don’t worry, she didn’t send me.”

I hear the voice of my brother behind the door of my bedroom. I don’t want to deal with anyone. Didn’t I make it clear?

-“Adam, don’t. I know Mom sent you, I don’t want to see anyone. Please.”

It’s difficult to keep calm, because I was about to shout and swear at him. If he doesn’t go away quickly that’s what’s going to happen.

-“Ok, ok. I was just worrying for you. You can tell me if something’s wrong. Do you think that I believed what Mom told me? Why do you really want to go? I know something’s wrong Alex.”

-“Just look at your own business, ok? I’m all right.”

-“I won’t go away until you’ve told me. I’m your brother, I just wanna help you.”

-“The only thing you can do is impossible. So leave.”

I never should have said this. How is he suppose to leave now? Oh f*ck, seems like I’m becoming dumb as well as blind.

-“Impossible? Surely if you don’t tell me what it is.”

-“Adam…”

-“Yes. Tell me what you wanna me to do. Not why you wanna do it. Anyway I think I already know this last thing.”

This last sentence surprises me. But now I guess it won’t be that bad telling him.

-“You know? Well… I just need your help to find a way to go to Holland. I thought at when we’ll be at grandpa and grandma’s house, ‘cause it’s closer, even if we’re going in August.”

A few seconds later, we’re talking as if we had made a plan years ago, organizing it and everything. My brother doesn’t ask any questions, he just ‘enters’ the plan as if he was part of it for a long time.

-“Yeah, that seems the best way. You’ll need to go by train, taxis and planes are too expensive. I’ll invent something to Mom and Dad, to give you more time before they discover where you’re going. Do you think you have enough money?”

-“Yep, a train ticket is cheap. But I’ll need to stop at Paris, and I doubt some trains go to The Hague directly. Maybe another stop at Amsterdam. Adam, you can come in, you know.”

My brother enters, and we sit together on my bed, looking for information on the internet. ‘Train ticket Paris-The Hague, with a stop at Rotterdam’. 128Euros a one way ticket. I glance at Adam, who is nodding silently.

-“Yeah, that’s good. 3H15. Go tomorrow to the railway station, take your ticket to Paris, then Paris-the Hague. Check the date, we’ll see the best day.

So we’re going in August, from the 7th to the 21st. Not too early, no too late. See around the 15th.”

- “There’s one from Brittany at 10a.m. to Paris. And then… wait two seconds… one from Paris at 5h21p.m. It arrives at 21h05p.m. at the Hague. This means hotel or something. Otherwise, it sounds good. So, it costs 53+128 = 181euros. The one from Brittany takes 4h, so I’ll be at Paris around 2p.m. Then, I eat and everything, stay 3h, and take my train.”

Minute after minute, the plan is concretising itself.

- “That’s it. There’s only the hotel problem. You’re 13, they won’t receive you. You need to go to a youth hostel. They’re cheap, and won’t cause you any problem. Just say that you’re here to visit, your parents live in another city of Holland, they sent you there. So, 15th of August?”

- “Yeah, 15th of August. Thanks, you seem to be the older one.”

- “No, I’m only helping you. Just try not to show Mom and Dad anything, or they’ll suspect something.”

- “Ok. I won’t go downstairs for dinner. I’ll go tomorrow morning, and change subjects with them. We’ll look for a place to sleep another time, the most important for now is to have my train tickets. Thank you so much.”

- “You’re welcome. Hope nothing will go wrong.”

- “It has to go right. And it will go right.”

- “Yeah, I’m gonna eat, Mom and Dad are calling me. I’ll bring you a tray.”

- “Cool, thanks.”

As he goes out of the room, a new hope arises in my heart. This time, no mistakes aloud, I’m gonna beat once for all my past and create a new beginning. New hopes, new beginning, everything is new tonight.

The Reunion.

“Hi Mike,

Happy birthday!! Hope you’re doing well, my 6eme is awful. I have friends but I miss Holland. I’m going to France during the holidays, I hate it here. I’m so happy, maybe we’ll see each other again.

Bye,

Alex”

“Hey, you haven’t answered for 2 weeks, is there a problem?”

3 weeks.

“Mike, please answer me. I know maybe it’s ‘cause of my illness, but I need you to respond. You’re one of the last persons whom I keep contact with, I don’t wanna lose all my friends.”

1 month.

“Really, tell me if something’s not ok. Maybe I’ve said something bad. Please.”

2 months.

“Mike… don’t leave me. I… think… I’m in love with you. From the start. I just didn’t understand at first, but now I’m sure, Chris was only… I dunno, a mistake. It’s so long to explain. Please answer me, say something.”

I’ve read these mails thousands of times. Why isn’t he responding? Oh, my god, I’ve fooled everybody ‘til the beginning. I should have seen, known, understood. How I was shy, laughed when I saw him. How I talked to him. But no, I said I loved Chris, even if down deep I knew it was a lie. Distance just makes it evident. Sometimes something is so evident, we don’t see it.

Love, hope. Are all emotions tricking us?

Cry, cry until you don’t have any more tears. You’re strong. You’ll fight a world that doesn’t want you. You’ll see him in real one last time.

One thing costs me more than a million. More than millions of billions.

13 is supposed to be an unlucky number? I don’t care. I don’t care about many things. 2 weeks have passed since our ‘Holland plan’. In less than a month, I’ll see him. Excited, trying not to show it. It’s hard, but I know what I’ve got to lose. I have my tickets, well hidden in my desk. We’ve booked a hostel for 3 nights. Putting all our pocket money together, we have 430euros. Adam did really insist giving me his money, and I finally accepted. He says if I need to stay longer, then I’ll have enough money for at least another week.

I think I was quite wrong when I said even my family left me behind. Not my brother. I don’t know how I would have done a so great plan without him. He’s younger and he is just looking as if he was I dunno, 20 :). I’m sure brothers like him are rare. Very rare.

Today we’re going to the beach. Yay, an exotic beach in Brittany. Sorry, we’re not at the Reunion anymore. What you’ll get is a little beach, with thick sand, and water at 16 degrees. I bet you’re so tempted? Yeah, me too.

“The tide is rising, we shouldn’t go that near.”

- “Yes, you’re right. Let’s go there, open the baskets and take your sandwiches”

While eating my ham sandwich, I’m looking at the sea. This blue sea, with all its seagulls waiting for an opportunity to attack our picnic. Mom, who went to touch the water, says that it’s “ok”. Ok? I’m not swimming in that icy thing among seaweed.

My parents go walking along the coast, and Adam convinces me to go in the water. He’s pretty good at convincing. I put my feet and I’m immediately freezing. Concentrating onto my feet, I don’t see my brother throwing water towards me. Well, I do see him, but once I’m all wet and screaming and swearing. He laughs, and that makes me laugh too. I’m wet, I guess now there’s no difference between staying out or in. So I go inside, swimming underwater, then doing seaweed duels. Finally, getting cold, we get out and play beach volley.

On the trip back home, I’m exhausted, and just hoping my comedy tricked my parents. I go to bed early, checking my tickets are still there, my tickets leading to hope and love.

The Reunion.

“Honey, don’t you wanna eat something? You’ve been in your bedroom since this morning. What’s wrong this time? Last day it was about the hot weather and mosquitoes. What now?”

What? Yeah, I'm gonna say what’s the problem.

- “My problem? You really wanna know? My problem is you, yeah you and this f*cking island! I was happy there, now I’m just going depressive. You moved here, I begged you not to, but of course you didn’t listen, as usual. So yeah, that’s my problem. I’m sick, but that doesn’t seem to bother you. If we don’t go back to France I’m just swearing that I’ll not survive. They’re my friends! Can you feel emotions, do you only have a heart? An icy heart, yeah, that’s it.”

- “Alex, control your language! F*cking island? What the hell is this? And what is this stupid I’m not gonna survive! I don’t want ideas like this in your head, ok? How do you dare say that we don’t care? Of course we do! We love you so much, but we had interesting jobs here, and the Reunion is beautiful. It’s France.”

- “So now interesting jobs are more important than your daughter? Surely then I have bad ideas in my head. Seeing that money is more important. If you did really love me, we shouldn’t have come here. I just wanna get away from this place, that’s all. Please, 2 years is enough. We’ve seen all the island, aren’t you fed up going thousands of times to the same beaches, seeing the same things?”

- “… I know, we didn’t picture staying here all our lives, 3 years seemed good. We’ll think about it, we started looking in Brittany for a house.”

- “Seriously? And why didn’t you tell me or Adam?”

- “It’s just looking, we’re haven’t done anything yet, and you would have been so excited and unbearable”

- “… I’m excited now. But I’m just so angry, you’d better go out before I say horrible things.”

- “Ok, but come eat something at least in less than an hour.”

- “Yep”

Anger and happiness. Two opposite things.

I can’t help checking my mail every hour. I just want him to answer. Maybe he doesn't respond ‘cause of my illness. Or maybe he just forgot me. No, he couldn’t do this. Never. He probably changed his email address, or had a problem. Yeah, that would be logical.

1 mail. My heart beats even faster.

Chris.lahaye@gmail.com

Chris. Saying “lots of love” again and again. I can’t even read his mails, and responding is just awful. I’m sick, I’m getting love from another person and this is heartbreaking. I close the digital tablet. I wanna throw up. I wanna cry. I wanna give up. We’re in February, I’ll never hold until summer.

I don’t know where Mike lives. And I’m not gonna land just in front of his house, ringing and seeing his parents wondering who is this girl and what she’s doing there. I need to see him alone. And maybe he went in holidays somewhere. No, it’ll be the end of August, he’ll surely be in the Hague.

But the Hague is a city, it can be enormous. I just know he lives near the school, and one or two streets away from his friend’s house. Yeah, that second point is not very useful, I dunno where Ben lives, lol. Otherwise, I do have a solution, but it’s quite… complicated and it will only be my plan B.

“Alex! Is your suitcase ready? We’re leaving tomorrow morning but I want it ready by tonight.”

My Mom shouts from downstairs. This makes me remember the little trip to my grand parents’ houses. Normal little trip. I’m not at all going to run away on a crazy journey because of a love story, not at all.

“Ehh. Yeah, I’ve started, I'm gonna finish!”

Started. I’ve not even prepared my clothes. Nothing is packed. I should start now, I’m taking my computer with me, I’ll think of Mike’s house later.

First, we’re going to my grandma’s house in southern Brittany. We stay there 2 weeks, approximately, until the beginning of August. Then, we go to my other grand parents’ house, in Northern Brittany. Same thing, 2 weeks. And that’s when the Holland plan takes place. So I need to pack many things. But not too many, or Mom will suspect something, she always checks our suitcases since the holidays where I forgot my pyjamas. But not our bags, so I'll put everything ‘suspect’ in my eastpak. Ok: shorts, jeans, tee shirts, tops, sweats, a waterproof coat, and my denim jacket. And of course, my pyjamas:) The temperatures in Holland are quite similar to the ones in Brittany, that’s cool. Clothes, done. Now all the other stuff. My phone, my computer, some books, a notebook and my pencil case. The cream for my eyes is finished. Anyway, I don’t think I’ll need it. I’m gonna ask Adam, maybe he’ll have some advises for other things.

“Hey, Adam, can you come please? You know for the games we take.”

- “Oh!! Yeah”

He opens the door, giggling. Once we’re in my bedroom, he says:

“The games? Lol, good excuse”

- “I didn’t find anything else. I was just wondering, what do I take? Like, my computer and phone, that’s sure, then books as usual and a notebook. Do I take anything to eat?”

- “Well, if you take bananas, I don’t think they’ll be of any help on the 15th.”

- “Adam! Seriously. You are the bananas. Cereal bars, stuff like this.”

- “Yeah, I think Mom bought a packet. Just take 3-4, we’ll see at our grand-parent’s house. Otherwise, I don’t see many other things. Do you know where he lives?”

How to change subjects. I know exactly what he means. But still.

- “… What are you talking about? ‘He’?”

- “Don’t play the ‘innocent girls’ Alex. I know you’re searching a guy. It’s obvious. Just be grateful that Mom and Dad haven’t understood yet. So, do you know where he lives?”

- “… not really. Near school, and I’ll search a bit. Our class liked going to a park, you know the big park with a lake and everything. I’ll go there, it’s summer, he’ll probably come.”

- “Wait? You’re kidding? You mean you wanna search in all the city, hoping seeing his family name on one of the houses? Alex, you know what chances you have doing this. None.”

Ok, ok, I know it’s not the best plan ever, but if anyone has got any ideas…

- “No, I do have some. And it’s not all the city, it’s near school.”

- “Near school? And if he moved? Not in another country, but like in the Hague? Alex, you’ll just be wasting your time doing this. And then Mom and Dad will find you, and it will be definitely finished. Is that what you want?”

- “No, no, but… yeah I have no chances.”

- “Ok. And what’s your second plan? I know you have one.”

My brother is meant to become a detective. How can he know all this?

- “You’re too good at guessing. Well… it was to go and ask Chris. I know where he lives. The problem is that he’ll understand, and I dunno how he’ll react. Maybe he won’t tell me anything, maybe he’ll tell his parents. But that’s the only other way I’ve got.”

- “Can’t you just ask him a phone number?”

- “Ehhh. No, it’s complicated. And Chris doesn’t have any phone, he won’t have a phone number. But maybe an email address, I’ll ask him.”

- “That seems reasonable, a little mad… how a phone number could have changed everything, lol. Well at least, it’s far better than the first one. I don’t think he’ll tell his parents. Ok, so the day after your arrival, go to his house, ask him, and then well… happy ending.”

- “Yeah. Thanks again, imagine I hadn’t gotten your help, what stupid plan I would have made.”

- “Stupid, I wouldn’t say this but it wouldn’t have been a… very intelligent plan. I’m just gonna finish packing my bag, don’t forget your tickets and the money. It would be worse than forgetting your pyjamas.”

- “Oh, I think I’ll stay all my life with this omission. Don’t forget your pyjamas! Ok, thanks, I'll remember.”

Wow, without my brother, it was a road leading right to failure. I’ll put my tickets tomorrow, in case Mom checks my bag too. Ah yes, I need to go downstairs to pick my battery charger. Adam and I planned to communicate by Ipad and phone, so he can tell me what’s going on, or just help me. If Mom and Dad discover something, he’ll tell me immediately. They do also use the ipad, however as Adam has his personal email address, they normally won’t find our messages. And he’ll also try to put them on a wrong track, inventing something, to give me more time. I hope he’ll succeed, but he’s a genius, and he will, no doubt on that.

The Reunion.

The school year is just going so slowly. Every day is a repetition of the precedent one, boring, boring. Mom and Dad are still looking for a house, they say they’ve maybe found one. That is super super big happiness.

Mike hasn’t answered. Chris irritates me.

March. Today is Adam’s birthday, he’s turning 9. He made lots of friends, compared to me, and the garden is overwhelmed by CE2s. Screams, laughs, all these kids make me smile. I helped Mom doing a football cake, and I do admit that I’m quite proud of the result.

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you Adam, happy birthday to youuuuu!”

“Come on, blow out all these candles!”

“Yay!!!”

The children, impatient to eat the cake and to go back play on the trampoline all come near me, asking, shouting to have a slice of the football field. This day just does a bit drive my sad thoughts away.

Adam seems so happy here, on this island. Mom and Dad too. I could have been like them, feeling delighted to be on such a beautiful island. But something stops me, makes me remember what happened, this horrible separation, this torn breakup. In other circumstances yeah, but not in these. Love is too powerful.

“My little sweetheart, my favourite granddaughter, come here and kiss me! Ohh; what have you been eating? You’re like a grown-up now! It’s so nice seeing you, and it must be so difficult too. No, let’s not talk about it, we’re here to enjoy, not to lament ourselves.”

- “Hi grandma! Yeah, it’s pretty nice seeing you. Don’t worry. It’s happening, we can’t just pretend it’s not there, I do completely assume that I’m becoming blind. Why me? I don’t know, but it’s me. So now it’s life, some people are just less lucky than others, however their chance will go on something else, when they’ll need it the most.”

I stop here, knowing that if I reveal too many things, my parents will suspect something.

- “Ohhh, Alex, what you said is just so beautiful, every single girl of your age wouldn’t be able to say this, I’m sure. Come in, I’ve prepared chocolate cookies and lemonade for you four. Wow, what a big handsome boy just before me, like your sister you’ve taken a few centimetres. Come kiss your grandma!”

- “Hey, thanks, it’s cool seeing you too. You must feel kind of lonely.”

- “Oh, yes surely. But not when my little darlings are here.”

Grandma lives alone since grandpa died, 2 years ago. He had a heart attack, and the time the ambulance arrived at the hospital it was too late. It was a shock for everyone. Grandma, always joyful stayed home and didn’t talk much. Dad, the son of grandpa, was mournful too. Mom, Adam and I tried to entertain him, going to the restaurant, seeing his favourite films… Grandpa was a handyman, if Adam or I needed something, he would build it, and he fixed everything. The three of us made a hut in the garden, which is still there, resisting against the bad weather, and standing as a souvenir.

The house is a typical secondary house, except it’s not a secondary house. Before, my grandparents had two houses, but with Grandpa’s death, grandma sold one, and kept the smallest, on the coast.

The water is a little hotter than at home, however it stays in the box ‘quite cold not sure I'm gonna have a bath’.

I think I’ve described this place even more than my own house. Oupsi, sorry… :)

When I said that my family was sad because of grandpa’s death (which is quite normal) well now with time… it doesn’t go away, it’s just covered with better moments, sheltering a wound that can be reopened at any time.

Everyone has wounds. Only, some show them, and others don’t.

I think wounds cannot disappear. They can be forgotten, by living the opposite of the thing that made the wound. For example, if someone you loved moved, well you were sad, crying… But if you saw that person again, then your wound would just go away for a moment, out of your thoughts. And, then if you went back in your memories, maybe seeing this separation would make it reappear.

That’s how it works for me, but for dead people it’s quite difficult, you can’t resuscitate them. You must have seen that the example I took is what is happening to me, or similar to it.

On the way to the beach, we stop at the supermarket to buy landing nets for us to fish. While Adam and grandma go to the sea section, I hang around in the store. I land in the decoration compartment. I love design and everything that has something to do with it. Suddenly, I see little frameworks with English quotes on them, and drawings such as palm trees, the sea, the sun, smileys, hearts… I love quotes too, and I take one or two to read them. Finally, I choose 1, which was my favourite. It says:

“Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye.”

If one quote can represent me and all the blind people, it’s this one. Cause you will always see, even if your eyes are closed, even if you’re in the darkest place of the world.

Your eyes are not light. There’re the mirror that helps light move. But light doesn’t need any help, eyes or not, it will continue moving as your heart beats.

The Reunion.

“Adammmm! Mom and Dad found a house!! We’re moving!”

I’m running in the stairs, like a girl running to a sweet store, but in even better. However, when I see my brother’s expression, I understand that he’s not feeling as joyful as I am. On the contrary, he seems shocked, sad, nearly angry.

- “What?! Really? They didn’t say anything, only that they were looking. And all my friends? I like it here, the water is hot, we go snorkelling and everything. How can you be so happy?”

When he says this, it hits directly my heart. I start feeling guilty, as if he was accusing me of his sadness. I try to convince him it's not that bad. 

- “But… it’s an island Adam, we’ve seen it all, and it will be easier to see our family. I know you have friends, we’ll do a big party, they’ll never forget you, and who knows, maybe you’ll come back when you’ll be older and see them.”

While talking, I see his face change. He understands, now. But maybe too much.

- “Yeah… Alex, I know. I’m here lamenting myself, but it’s been 2 years, it’s nothing compared to what you had to endure. I know your friends counted so much for you. Count so much. I should have said no, but I was 7, and the word island made me dream. I’m sorry, so sorry.”

- “… Adam… No, don’t be sorry. You were 7! Surely, moving to a tropical place is far more exciting than helping your big sister. And, now you’re 9, what you just said is… so mature, so comprehensive. I should be sorry, not you.”

- “Alex, it’s not mature. It’s what I feel, what comes from my heart. You’re right, it’s an island, we can’t stay there 10 years doing the same circle on and on.”

My brother is a philosopher. No one at 9 can talk like this. No one apart from him.

Mom and Dad found a house, with garden, 4 bedrooms, and a college near by with the same section as the one I started here. They are now looking for flights, and starting to organize the move, they want to send our furniture by boat, in a container. I’m the happiest girl in the world, we’re at last moving away from this tiny bit of land lost in the ocean.

1st of August. 2 weeks before my adventure.

This girl is mad. She’s ready to go anywhere to see someone’s face. Take a photo and that’s it. She loved a guy, said it was a mistake, now she loves another one, why wouldn’t it be a mistake too? At 13, you have a crush; then you love someone else, and so on. Until you meet the one.

Ok, I’m mad, if you want to. But I prefer going somewhere and fail that going nowhere and regret. When you have something so strong that it makes you do this, you know you must do it. It’s not a mistake, when you dream, think, see, talk, live for a person, it just cannot be one. I’m 13, I don’t care if people say love cannot be taken seriously at that age. I don’t care because I know. I know what I feel, I know that once you made the mistake you can’t make it again. And, it would be so long to explain, sometimes words aren’t enough. It’s not only to see his face, I want to tell him, talk to him. He can say anything he wants to, he can say he loves another girl, he can say anything, but he can’t go away, he can’t ignore me. He cannot do this. He cannot leave me, only look at me, like the others did. I need hope, I need it. After this, I won’t be able to hope for something else, never.

You’ll maybe understand, or maybe not. The point is not to be comprehensive. The point is to know. You can know things without understanding them. Even me, I know what I’m feeling, but to explain it and to understand it is so hard.

Hard, but not impossible. If you live these things, you’ll understand what they really are. I’ve been waiting for an opportunity too long, so I’ve created it. (Thanks to all the people who said so nice quotes, they do help me a lot:)

The Reunion.

“Hello to all our passengers, here are the safety rules, take off is planned in 5 minutes. We thank you to choose Air France for this flight, and hope you will enjoy it.”

The plane starts to move, and the hostesses begin the security things. The seatbelt, the life jacket, the different aircraft doors…

Adam is next to me, seated by the window, and my parents just behind. The plane seems to be full, it’s crowded.

It reaches the main runway, waits a few seconds, and then moves forward in a great speed, taking off in the blue sky. Adam and I lean towards the window, seeing the island becoming smaller and smaller.

My brother looks a little sad, but he says it’s ok, as long as I’m happy he’ll be happy too. I’m excited, I’ve been waiting so long for this, and we’re finally coming back.

Driving to northern Brittany, days elapse, each time drawing me nearer to the Holland plan. I try not thinking too much of it when I’m with my parents, because I can’t properly speak and think at the same time without seeming away and strange.

My grand parents’ house comes into view, and a few minutes later we’re hugging and saying hi to them. I quickly take my bag and suitcase, putting them in the bedroom I share with Adam. This is a good point, we’ll have our headquarters there. Grandma is doing a quiche for dinner, as I love cooking, I help her. No, I hate cooking, it’s just to see if there’s some appropriated food for my trip. I cut the vegetables and the ham while she does the dough.

- “And so, how was your last day, your Mom said you went to a party?”

- “Yeah, it was nice. It was at a guy’s house, I went with Samantha, my friend.”

- “I’m happy for you, you seemed to enjoy. Cut a little smaller the carrots, please.”

- “Oh, yes. I’m gonna cut them into twos.”

- “Alex! Come, grandpa just setted up the swings and slides!”

- “Cool, wait I’m finishing the quiche and I’ll come after.”

- “Ok. After isn’t in an hour, like so many times?”

- “Noo! Look, I’ve got one carrot left, it won’t take me long.”

Adam and I could be actors. This is just our special plan, where we help a lot our grandparents, are interested in the activities and stuff like this. If our parents suspect anything, they must be super super super good investigators. Or padams. Once all my vegetables cut, I put on my coat, and go in the garden, joining my brother who is already on his swing. We talk for hours, about quite everything. We were close, now we can’t be more closer. My hair in the wind, I feel good. Positive. We don’t stop laughing, and we’re not at all pretending this time.

At dinner, everybody compliments our quiche. I don’t like cooking, and I end up doing awesome things:).

I go to bed early, I have a night mission. With Adam, we’re going to write a mail to Chris, explaining that I’m coming and to plan a meeting. But he mustn't know what is my real goal until the meeting. Which means it’s quite awkward, we must write a mail which isn’t too much into the truth, neither in the wrong. Because if we tell him a completely false story, he’ll be angrier than ever, or it’s what we suppose.

- “Ok, now mail mission.”

- “Yep.”

I open my computer, then my mail, and click onto “New message”. I enter Chris.lahaye@gmail.com and start writing.

“Hi Chris,

I wanted to tell you something, sorry I learnt this quite late. I’m coming to Holland in 2 weeks, but alone. You know, to see you and other friends. My parents organized all the trip, they said that you were my friends, and that a good moment without my family would be great. Maybe we could plan a meeting near your house, I thought of the little park. I’m arriving late at night on the 15th, and I booked a hotel for 1 week.”

- “How do I tell him not to tell his parents?”

- “Ehhh… tell him it’s a surprise, and that it’s better not to tell his parents.”

- “Are you seriously thinking that he won’t suspect something?”

- “Alex, he loves you. And I know it’s not good tricking him like this, but he’s our only chance. What I suggest is that you tell him this. And when you’ll meet, don’t lie, tell him the truth. He deserves to know it. Ok?”

- “… ok. So I say it’s a surprise?”

- “Yeah, I don’t have any logical idea otherwise”

“… This trip is quite a surprise, I think it’s better if you don’t tell anyone, even your parents.

All the best,

Alex”

I click onto send.

- “I’ll tell him everything. My illness, my mistake, Mike, The Reunion, the Holland plan.”

- “Yeah, choose the good words. He’ll understand, maybe he’ll never forgive you but telling the truth is better than staying in lies.”

1st mission, done. Now we’re waiting for an answer. We did not exactly tell the truth in the mail, but I’ll tell it not by mail, by real words in real.

Grey sky. Wind. Rain. Typical Brittany:)

My 5eme is nice, I’ve made one super friend, Samantha. The international section is better than the one at the Reunion. The English level is higher. Even if the weather isn’t very pleasant, I like it here.

And… I’m sooo happy. I knew if we moved we’d go back. During the February holidays, we’re going to Holland!!!! Oh happy life! I’ll see him! Yes!!! I can’t stop talking about it, Adam looks glad too. 10 years seem to have passed, but now we’re getting there. This is the moment I’ve been waiting for. Finally…

8th of August. 9thof August. 10th of August.

I’m going in five days and Chris hasn’t answered yet.

During the afternoon, we went to a rope park. We did all the different circuits, and even the ‘Skyfall’. Sky fall. You climb onto a platform. Then, you fall forwards. I screamed so loud I think all the park heard. But it was great.

Back in the bedroom, I switch on my computer. Come on, he needs to respond.

1 mail. Yes! I read it impatiently.

“Hi Alex,

That’s so nice!!! We’ll see each other! I saw you last year but it seems ages ago. Wow, that’s a big surprise. Ok, I won’t tell my parents and anyone. For the meeting, yeah the park is a good idea. On the 16th, I can’t wait any longer:). Do you prefer the morning or the afternoon? I’m excited to see you, so excited.

Hope you’re well,

Chris”

I should have been happy. All I feel is guilt. He loves me, he’s delighted to see me. I told him lies, how can’t you be heartbroken when you’ll know the truth? And how can’t you feel sad jealousy when you learn that the other person was delighted too, but to see your friend?

Oh, I’ll never find the courage to say this. I start sobbing quietly. A voice interrupts my tears.

- “Hey, Alex, why are you crying? Has he responded something hopeless?”

- “… no… he says he’s so happy to see me.”

- “And you feel guilty, because you’ve been fooling him.”

Impressive. Wow, my brother is a superhero. Mature as a 20 year old, intelligent, terrific detective, plan builder, logical idea finder… and so many other things.

- “Yes. I’m gonna kill his feelings. Kill his heart. I’m a demon.”

- “No, you’re not! No one at 13 knows how to handle with such a hard situation, and no one is as nice and brave as you. Ok, you’re not perfect. But who is perfect? Nobody. Everyone is gonna hurt Chris. He’ll find the people worth fighting for. He knows that you can’t make someone love you. He’ll understand if you tell him the truth.”

- “… Adam… it’s so hard. I’ll try.”

- “Trying? No, you’ll succeed Alex. If one person deserves to succeed, it’s you. It’s life. You’ve been hoping, praying, swearing, searching, loving give me one reason for you not to win.”

- “… I can’t come with any, but I’m sure there’re some.”

- “Some? None. You’ve understood life Alex. You’ve created an opportunity, you’re determined. Nothing, nothing can and will stop you. Ok? Nothing. Hope like you’ve always hoped, love like you’ve always loved. Don’t pursue your dream in bed, get up and realize it.”

If you’re not affected when you hear this, well… are you even human? He’s the positive energy I need. He’s the day, I’m the night.

- “Adam, thank you so much… there are no words to thank you as you must be thanked. With a brother like you, of course I’ll manage. So what do I answer him?”

- “I think the morning is better, but do as you feel. Don’t say too many “I’m excited to see you”, find the balance. And… write what you feel is right.”

- “Ok, thanks.”

“Hi Chris,

So meeting at the park? I’d prefer the morning, but if you’re not free no problem, the afternoon is good too. Yes, keep it a secret, please. It’s a surprise, so…

Have a nice evening,

Alex”

5 days, even less. My heart beats faster each day. My plan may be crazy, but as long as I’ve not tried, I can’t know. I spent so many time. There’s no place for failure. Hope took it back.

February, one year ago.

5 days left. We’re on Monday. We’re leaving on Saturday. Holland gets in holidays one week later, and the school says it will let me enter, to see my friends. These holidays are gonna be the best ones since a very long time. In his last mails, Chris told me that many people left. Louise, Clara, and one other boy. I don’t care. If Mike is there, it’s far enough. I told Chris I was coming, we’re sleeping at his house, our parents being good friends too. I don’t want to go to his house, it will feel awkward, but I don’t complain. I just hope we’re not gonna sleep in the same bedroom.

11th of August. Last time I didn’t see him. This time it will go right. It has to.

Tuesday. I’ll see him. In 6 days, during school. And in 4 days I’ll be in Holland.

Wednesday. Mom and I go shopping. It was cool.

12th of August. It must be someone’s birthday. All I know is that in 3 days is my plan. 3 days. 72 hours. How many minutes? Sorry, ask a calculator.

Thursday. The teachers do still make us work. Guess the primary time of playing games before the period’s end is finished. Tomorrow evening we’ll be in holidays.

13th of August. 2 days. I’ve taken some dry fruits and a packet of biscuits. Grandma’s kitchen is so full she won’t see a packet is missing. I and Chris will meet at 11, in the park. I’m excited and I dread this moment. But Adam said it was life. And it won’t kill me. Not now.

Friday. I’ve got an enormous list of homework, I’ll do it during the 2nd week. I finish packing everything, we’re leaving early tomorrow morning, The Hague is 10 hours away. I’ll feel home. One week home.

14th of August. One more night here. One never seemed so little and so long. I managed to put everything I needed in my bag. A suitcase would be too cumbersome. Tomorrow is the market. Mom and Dad go there with grandma and grandpa. I said I was going to run, and Adam stays home. Then, for me to have a day or two without any problems, I said that I’d go for noon at one of my friend’s house, and sleep there. It’s a girl I’ve met during a horse riding session. Since this, we stayed good friends, and as I’m becoming blind, it would be a logical excuse to have a nice last moment with her.

Adam wishes me good night, I know it will be difficult to sleep with such excitement.

Saturday, 8a.m.

“Adam, Alex, come help us put everything in the car. Don’t forget anything. We’re leaving in less than 30 minutes.”

Mom calls out for us, organised as usual when it comes to road trips, and in the 30 minutes announced, we’re off to Holland.

St Brieuc. Caen. Le Havre. Lille.

4p.m. We’re passing in Belgium. 3 hours left.

Antwerp. 1 hour and a half.

Now we’re passing in Holland. I feel an indescribable sensation. Home. I’m coming.

Rotterdam. This big harbour. Each kilometre is bringing me nearer.

Nearer and nearer. I recognize the buildings, The Hague’s towers. The canals. The roads. Everything is similar.

Scheveningen, urban commune of the Hague.

We leave the main road into smaller streets of a residential area. I dread the moment where I’ll see Chris. What am I going to say?

Number 58. We park the car next to the house. I take my bag and get out.

“We’ll unload after, let’s go say hello.”

Dringggg.

I feel uncomfortable.

Steps are coming closer and closer.

Clic.

The door opens.

“Hii! Come in, come in! The boys have been waiting impatiently all day.”

Even with Chris’ Mom big shining smile and her warm welcome, I can’t feel at ease.

-“Hi Catherine. Oh, Adam and Alex were not better at waiting!”

- “Was the trip ok? Adam, Alex, Chris and Martin are upstairs, go join them.”

- “Oh yes, a bit long but there were no too many cars.”

Leaving the two Moms talking, we head towards the stairs. The moment we reach the top, a flow of nerf bullets attack us. I scream, Adam laughs.

- “Hey!! Got you! If you could have seen your face Alex!”

Chris. Starting directly by teasing me. I don’t feel like responding as he did, but I try seeming in a teaser attitude.

- “Hi! Yeah, I was so surprised, but that’s not a very warm welcome.”

- “Ohhhh. You were scared that’s all.”

As I don’t know what to answer, my brother talks.

- “Hi guys! It’s good seeing you. Yeah Alex can be a little frightened sometimes. I’d not call her a coward, but it’s not far from it.”

- “Yep, exactly!”

The three of them are laughing and chuckling at me.

- “Ok, ok. I screamed, but I’m not a coward. And it doesn’t mean I’m a girl that I should be more scared than you. In fact, I’d rather be a coward than a stupid boy laughing and teasing.”

- “Wow, calm down, calm down!”

It’s difficult to keep calm, but you can’t understand. I’m holding these words in my head, they mustn't reach my mouth. I decide to change subjects.

- “And so, are we gonna stay there throwing insults to each other?”

- “No, we’re going to show you your bedrooms.”

- “Ohhh nice! I wanna be with Martin” says my brother.

He’s been in the same class as Martin, so they’re friends.

- “Yep, we’re in the same bedroom, in my bedroom.”

- “And me? I ask.

- “You’re in Chris’ bedroom.”

This time, I can’t control my words.

- “What?! But like… eh… we’re in 5eme now, like I dunno, but isn’t it a bit strange to sleep with a boy?”

Again, the three of them laugh at me. Oh, how stupid.

- “Not in the same bed, we’ve put a mattress. It’s ok, pyjamas. And we don’t have any spare bedroom, we gave it to your parents.”

Martin says “same bed” ironically. Chris doesn’t seem to see it as strange and embarrassing.

I’m in love with Mike, I’m gonna sleep in the same bedroom as another guy in love with me. If this is not awkward, nothing is awkward.

We go unload the car, I move up my luggage in this dreadful room. Chris doesn’t stop looking at me, which is even more embarrassing. I want Monday to come. Quickly, very quickly.

15th of August. 9a.m.

I’m ready. I took everything. I planned everything. My family has already gone to the market, they said they’ll be back near noon. I check one last time my bag, then hug Adam and leave the house. This is my adventure. And it’s starting now.

15 minutes to the railway station. In spite of the early time, the station is quite busy. I go to a little shop to buy a sandwich for lunch. It will be too complicated at Paris. While on the platform, I text Adam. He says that for now, the plan is going right, the parents and grand parents still at the market.

My train arrives just on the time scheduled. I get in, and find a seat, as it’s not a TGV, we can choose our seats. 4 hours of train can be long, I try reading but can’t concentrate on the book. Fields scroll throughout the window. An old woman is sitting in front of me, but otherwise the train doesn’t seem too crowded. It stops at Rennes, the biggest city of Brittany. A few people come in, however our compartment stays relatively empty.

My phone vibrates. Adam has just sent me a message.

“They came home a few minutes ago. It’s ok, they don’t seem to suspect anything, and haven’t called your friend’s parents to check. You should be at Rennes no?

I’m relieved that for the moment our trickery is working brilliantly.

“Super nice, you’re doing a great spy :). Yep, I’ve just passed Rennes.”

The old woman is glancing at me curiously, I must show a little too much my excitation. I think we’ve changed region, we must be somewhere near Le Mans. Reading is as unsuccessful as the first time, so I look at the landscape. It’s hot in the train, I don’t know how the old lady survives with her big pullover.

Finally, Paris gets into view. The railway station is as busy as I had presumed, getting a sandwich here would take hours. I get out of the train, my eastpak on my back. I find an empty bench and start devouring my lunch. My train to Holland is leaving in 3h, I have time. I don’t really want to get out of the station, even if all these people in a hurry are sickening me.

I get up to go throw my plastic packaging in the bin. That’s when my eyes become black. Oh no! Not here, not now! We’re in August. I sit down, calming myself and taking big breaths. Several minutes pass, and I’m in the same situation. Panic is slowly coming, I’m in a crowded place I’ve never been to, nobody knows I’m here except my brother, and if I can’t see a thing, then I’m as well as dead. The plan is dead. I hope that no one is staring at me, someone to deal with would make it even worse. I keep calm despite the growing panic, praying for my view to return.

10 minutes later, the mess of the station comes back, and the people who were sickening me before are now relieving me. I can see. I stand up, take my bag and go to the bathroom. I wash my face, and my reflection in the mirror gives me hope. To kill some time, I write in my notebook. Strangely, I find it easier than reading.

“The passengers taking the train to the Hague, Holland, are to come on platform C, departure is planned in 15 minutes. The passengers taking…”

I head towards the platform, get in the train and find my seat. Another 4 hour trip. A young man is next to me, and as we chat a bit, I learn he is Dutch. However, he speaks very good English. The train leaves Paris, and I text Adam, who says that everything is going as planned.

- “And, if it’s not too intrusive, why are you going to the Hague?”

- “I lived there for quite a long time, and I’m going to see my friends. My parents let me, because I’ve got the age to travel alone, they’ve booked a hotel and organized everything.” Which is quite true, except for the parents part.

- “I understand. I went for my studies to Paris, it is a very nice city. Have you already been to the “Louvre” museum?”

- “Yes, once or twice. What kind of studies are you doing?”

- “Artistic ones. That’s why I came to Paris. And you, what would you like to do?

- “Oh! I don’t really know, I like quite everything. Design, science, sports… but I hate politics and all the law jobs.”

- “Yes, me too. I’m in a painting school. I love it. Do you know how to speak Dutch?”

- “Not really. As I’m French, I went to a French school. And in an English bilingual section.”

- “That’s nice. Everyone in Holland knows how to speak English. I brought some games, I was at a friend’s house. Do you want to play? The trip is long, so if you want to…

- “Oh yeah, reading is a disaster, and I don’t have many other things to do.”

- “Ok, let’s start.”

The young man, whose name is Peter, is very open-minded and kind, I feel comfortable, all my troubles go away. We play different games, and at some moments, I just forget everything, the reason I’m in this train, my parents ignoring this whole thing, the meeting with Chris tomorrow. I have no idea of where we are right now, there’s no great difference between French fields and Belgian fields. I take a look at my watch, it shows 7:09pm. Almost 2 hours gone! That’s a good point, time passed so quickly. Another 2 hours and I’ll be in the Hague. I don’t know if I’m allowed to eat in the train, I just know that there’s always a special food carriage. But food is expensive in trains, and I suppose it will be crowded. Peter is reading, I don’t want to bother him. And the couple opposite is sleeping. I don’t want to get in any trouble so I decide to wait. Children are screaming, a baby is crying and adults are shouting. I wonder how people can sleep. They must be exhausted.

I try to imagine my conversation with Chris. What words I’m gonna use, how he’ll react. But I don’t want to prepare my sentences. It will seem even more misleading, it’s better just to say directly what I feel. I hear a chuckle next to me. I turn and see Peter giggling. He sees me and explains.

“I’ve read something funny in the book. Well, it’s not really meant to be funny, but I can’t help laughing. It’s a love story, of a rich girl and a poor painter. The painter says he would do anything to be with her, and so she asks ironically if he can become rich. I don’t know, I just imagine so well the scene and it makes me laugh. I’ve already read a few times this book, and each time it happens.”

- “That’s a nice story. Sometimes we just laugh at things, and no one, not even ourselves, understand. What happens next?”

- “The painter sells his works, trying to make money. One year later, he comes back to see his mistress. When she sees all the money, all the time the painter spent collecting it because she had told him to, she understands that he was right when he said he’d do anything for her. Then, they marry, he becomes a famous painter and happy ending.”

- “Wow, that’s great. Spending a whole year working hard, pursuing excellence, shows that love is very very powerful.”

I like the story. It represents what I feel.

- “Yes, you’re absolutely right. And, if it’s not too impolite, have you ever been in that kind of situation?”

- “Yeah, surely. I don’t really know, but I think I’ve already been through this.”

- “Nice. I think as long as you listen to your heart, then do it whatever happens next. I loved a girl, I told her and everything. She said she loved someone else. Was I jealous? Probably. But I was glad because I had done it. I tried forgetting her, I couldn’t. I knew that I had no chances to see her again, and even if this happened, nothing would have changed.

Then, we finished high school. I entered university, and on my first day I met my class. Of all schools she had chosen this one. Of all classes she was in mine. This sounded like a fairytale story. But no, it was real.

A few weeks after the school start, she talked to me. Believe it or not, she told me she had made a mistake. That she loved me. Now we live together in the Hague, she couldn’t come to Paris. I trusted my heart. And it worked.”

Peter finishes out of breath, he was so much into the story. I understand why I liked him. Because he has lived the same things as me. He gives me so much hope. It could turn out to be the same with Mike, who knows?

- “Oh, that’s so nice!! I’m happy for you two.”

- “Thanks.”

In about more than 2 hours, a stranger became a sort of friend, confessing things to each other. Incredible.

- “Maybe we could stay in touch? By phone, mail, whatever you want.”

- “Great idea, I was about to ask you the same question! Phone is pretty good, I’ll give you my phone number. 07 45 67 34 28. Oh yeah, don’t forget to add +31 at the beginning, it indicates Holland.”

I write the number on my phone, save it in my contacts and send him a message.

- “Super! I received your message. Now we can stay in touch.”

- “Yep, that’s nice.”

7:58pm. 1 hour left. We must be somewhere in Belgium. It’s still day, the sun will set in about an hour. I’m hungry, a sandwich isn’t enough, and I didn’t eat a lot this morning, which was a mistake. Peter goes back to his reading, and for a moment, the train is quite silent. I take my notebook and start writing. I had nearly forgotten my incident in Paris, all I hope is that it won’t happen again before the end of the plan. I don’t know if I should tell Adam. Finally, I decide to. After all he did, I can’t lie to him or keep him out of news.

The answer comes nearly immediately. It says:

“Oh, that’s bad luck. I knew it could happen, but… As long as it doesn’t stop you, keep going. I trust you. You will do it. Tell me if it happens again, ok?”

Yeah, it was a brilliant idea to tell him.

“Thx, yep, I’ll tell you, but fingers crossed it won’t happen. I think I’m in Belgium, I should be arriving in less than an hour. Is everything all right?”

“Yeah, it’s pretty good here. We’re gonna have dinner, and they seem to be relaxed. Text me when you arrive at the hotel, I’ll take the ipad in the bedroom. See you”

I’m relieved, for now, our plan is working wonderfully. I’ll get so used to “everything is all right” that when they’ll discover the whole thing and that I’ll get “everything is not all right” I’ll be completely shocked. And stressed. So

I enjoy this time when I don’t have to worry about them.

We make a stop at Rotterdam. People leave, others come in.

The train slows down. We’ve just arrived at the Hague. 1 year and a half after my last trip here, I feel as delighted as I was. Except I have a mission. And that this time I won’t fail. He’ll be here.

Sunday morning. I wake up, Chris is still sleeping. 8:24am. For a sunday morning, I admit it’s a bit early. But I went to bed quite early yesterday, I didn’t feel like staying up chatting with Chris. I know that if I don’t change quickly my behaviour, he’ll understand. I’ll just tell him the trip exhausted me and everything. It’s so difficult, lying and pretending something that isn’t true anymore. No, not anymore, it has never been true. MISTAKE.

Now the catching-up plan. I must pretend to be in love. Teaser attitude.

I throw a pillow at him. I shot it pretty well, because it lands right onto his face. A few seconds later, a big growl sounds in the room. Oups, I’ve just awoken a bear. I should have remembered that Chris doesn’t like to be woken up, he can sleep until noon. I can’t help laughing. I get my pillow back, then another one. Chris is now giggling too, with any other person he would have gotten back to bed, but not with me. We have a big pillow fight, however we try not making too much noise. I ask a pause; throwing, catching and running can be very tiring. 9o’clock. It should be ok now, to go downstairs and have breakfast. I just hope there will be someone, sleeping with Chris is already embarrassing, so eating with him alone would be unbearable. I put on a sweater, and start my way down. Chris follows me. The living room seems to be silent. I head towards the kitchen, where, at my great relief, is Chris’ Mom, cooking breakfast. I say hello to her, she asks me if I had a good night and says I can take a bowl, a glass and a spoon. She’s making pancakes, I’m suddenly very hungry. I sit down, pour some juice and prepare tea. My pancake arrives, I add sugar on it and start devouring it. Chris is opposite me, but then his Mom comes and it’s less awkward.

Martin and Adam come in running, I think in their room several pillow fights took place.

I then get back upstairs to have a shower and lock the door because all the children share the same bathroom.

At 11am, Chris suggests to go cycling in the forest. Adam and Martin directly agree, I take a little more time to respond. Finally, because of the catch up plan, I say “ok”. We prepare the bikes, check the wheels and off we go. Chris and Martin know very well the woods, and the paths are good for cycling. I don’t stop thinking about tomorrow, when I’ll go to school and see him. However, I keep concentrated onto my bike, an accident isn’t welcomed. Of course we don’t see any birds or other animals, we’re like a procession of a hundred people, shouting, laughing. Except we are four, three because I’m not the one making all this noise. I wonder how you can turn them off. Can’t they stop talking for at least one minute? I know they’ve not seen each other for 3 years, but still. 1 minute.

The day passes slowly. I’m so impatient for tomorrow. In the afternoon, we do several games, but when the boys suggest a truth or dare, I answer immediately no. Chris doesn’t seem too motivated as well. Obviously, when it involves him, he’s far less enthusiastic.

I want to go to bed, so I point out that there’s school tomorrow, better have rested. The two little kids head towards their bedroom (where they surely won’t sleep before having done a pillow fight). I get into my pyjamas, then on my mattress. In the dark, I can feel two eyes staring at me. Uncomfortable. I try to sleep, I can’t. Suppose I’m excited. No, I’m sure that I’m excited. I have waited 3 years. And 3 years is enough.

My hotel room is small. But I’m happy to have somewhere to sleep in. So I won’t complain. When I arrived yesterday evening, the woman at the reception didn’t ask any questions. I said bye to Peter on the platform, and texted Adam. In our trickery, I said to Mom I would come back home at noon from my friend’s house. Then another problem will come on my list. The one “parents have discovered, your time is now counted”. I’m already stressed, so another problem won’t make it better. But for now, I’ve got a meeting. Maybe this evening I’ll see him. Maybe tomorrow. My view didn’t cause me any more trouble, and I hope it will continue not to. I dress up quickly, and go in the main room to have my breakfast. Some teenagers about my age are eating, they must be a class. I take a tray, and when it’s full, I go to an empty table. “Chris, I don’t love you anymore. I’ve never really loved you. I love Mike.” These words don’t stop repeating in my head, I’m not at all relaxed. I get back to my room, take my bag and phone, then I’m in the street. Ok, now I need to enter the park’s address. Chris gave me the street, all I need is the itinerary. 20 minutes. It’s 10:30, I’ll be there just on time. Seeing me walking in the Hague with my bag and phone people could have thought I was a tourist. But I’m not.

5 minutes left, I recognize the residential block. I cross his street. The little park is near the woods, at about 100 meters. I suppose he’ll be there. I’m nervous. Very nervous. What if…? No doubts. It will be all right. The plan is great for now, it’s not the moment for it to flinch. I turn and the park comes into view. A person is sitting on a bench. Chris. With his short brown hair and his white t- shirt. I’m coming from behind, he hasn’t seen me yet. I tiptoe, and when I’m just behind him, I say “hey”. He jumps, surprised, and turns. His smile reflects his excitement. He hesitates, maybe he wants to kiss me. Finally, he only responds hello. I sit next to him. Ok, relax. Everything from the beginning.

- “Hi!! I told you it was a surprise.”

- “Yeah… I didn’t think you’d come that way. And so, why this meeting? Can I tell my parents, or do you have any more surprises?”

- “No, please don’t. I have one more surprise, but it isn’t very… pleasant.”

- “Seriously? You’re pretty good at acting.”

- “Chris… I’m not acting. It’s the truth.”

His face radically changes. He is starting to understand it isn’t a joke.

- “And… so… what is this big not very pleasant surprise?”

- “It’s a long story. I know you’ll hate me at the end. But I need to tell you. Primary school in a bilingual section. We had the same class, with everyone. In CP, we started teasing each other, and this until CM1. Stealing rubbers, don’t you remember? But it was fun. We were a big gang. Then, my parents decided to move to an island called the Reunion. I did everything to convince them, I didn’t want to leave all my friends. We did still go. CM2 was horrible. I mailed Louise, there was no answer. And, there was you and Mike. Staying in touch. This was super cool, I had news and could forget that I was thousands of kilometres away. During my 6eme year, Mike stopped answering me. Was there a problem? Maybe he didn’t want to talk to me anymore. With this, my wound reopened. I was losing contact with every single person. But there was something else. That’s when I understood.”

- “Understood what?”

- “I’m sorry, Chris. So sorry. I understood that…that from the start I had been in love with him. That I had mistaken myself, everyone, including you. I should have known before, but I couldn’t. When I did, it was because of his no response. Because of distance.”

Chris is so shocked. He opens his mouth, then closes it. After shock, anger comes.

- “… you’ve been fooling me… last year… I knew something was wrong. You were not as before, and still, you continued tricking everybody. Paying attention, teasing. You lied.”

- “Chris… I’m so sorry. I wanted to tell you, something stopped me. Pain. You were so happy, so excited, I didn’t want to break it.”

- “Pain? And didn’t I look excited today? The only thing you’ve done is to shift it a year later. Knowing you have lied to me last time is even more painful. So now give me a reason not to call immediately my parents, because I don’t trust you and all this organized plan is probably another lie.”

- “Chris, I’m sorry; so sorry, I didn’t know. Please listen. I’ve only told you one thing, but there’s something else you should know.”

- “You’d better tell it quickly, I’m so close of doing what I’ve just said. One more lie I suppose?”

- “During CM1, I learnt something. I’m not gonna make any suspense, that’s not my goal. I learnt I was getting blind. I didn’t lie to you. I just didn’t tell anyone. My school year was great, my friends great, my view great, it was as if I had no problem. We moved. My eyes started to burn, I put a cream. My view would get black several minutes, then came back to normal. Years passed, I wasn’t blind. But, this year, a specialist told me I would in autumn. Blind in 1 month, 2 months, maybe even earlier.”

- “… what?! Getting blind? Are you trying to soften me by telling you’re disabled? It would have cost you nothing to tell it then, it costs you everything to tell it now.”

- “I know it’s hard for you to believe me. But just be at my place. You learn this. You love your class, your friends, a boy. The malady doesn’t do anything. As if it didn’t exist. If you tell everyone, what will they think? Maybe the boy you loved won’t love you anymore, maybe they’ll stop playing with you.”

- “Oh, of course. But you don’t care because it was a ‘mistake’, you loved his friend. Now put yourself at MY place. You’re in love with a girl, you think she loves you too. Last year, she comes and you’re so excited. She acts a bit strange, but you’re still so happy. Then, this summer she says she’s coming, that it’s a surprise and everything. Again, so excited. She arrives, prettier than ever. And then, she tells you that you were a mistake, she loved and loves your friend. And she excepts you to understand and to say,‘ok, thanks’?! So yeah, it sucks.”

- “Chris, I don’t except you to understand, and I know what you’re feeling like. Big hope, it all goes down. Would you think I’d lie to you? I’ve fooled you so many times, but not this one. I’m getting blind in autumn, and this is the truth.”

- “No you don’t. And you’ve not told me your real reason here, because I guess you didn’t do all this way for me.”

I’m crying. I imagined what it did to hurt a person, but I had never really felt it before. So much guilt. So much pain. Words will never be enough to explain.

- “I’m sorry, I know I’m repeating this on and on, I mean it. My parents asked me if I wanted to go anyway during my last holidays. I said no. I didn’t know love was too powerful, even after everything I had done. But, thinking and thinking, I had been stupid. I had forgotten my heart. I wanted to go to Holland. Not only for Mike, I swear it was for you too. My parents refused, saying it was too late, that there was no real reason for me to go. I should have told them. I didn’t. They would never have believed, understood me. I’m 13, for them it’s only a crush. But it isn’t, and as painful as it may be, I know it. I can’t explain, I just know. So, I was left alone. I wanted to see him. So much, so much. Talk to him. My brother had understood everything, and 2 weeks later, we had our plan. And that’s why I’m here.”

- “… for Mike?! It’s drama, oh I love him, I’ll travel anywhere to see him. You just thought of making a stop here to give a little more of your demon pain? Your parents are right, it’s a crush. Wait a few years, and you’ll find another guy. I can’t believe you really did all this for a so… stupid reason.”

- “Chris! Please, call me demon if you want to. Call me anything you want. Insult me. I know saying “I'm sorry” isn’t enough. But please… anyone would be jealous, anyone would be angry. Please don’t tell your parents. I’ve made this plan, I need time, I don’t want people picking me up and bringing me back home. And I need your help.”

- “My help? You’re kidding! Oh yeah now I understand why you made this stop. Because, if you had known everything I was not onto your visit list. Mike is the only word in your brain. Mike, Mike and Mike. The problem isn’t that you love someone else. The problem is that you lied to me. And that now you’re asking me help. And that your plan is a mad one. All you’ll get is another mistake and failure.”

- “I wish I had come here in other circumstances. I just don’t have much time… I know that I acted badly. Horribly. Awfully. My plan can be mad, it can fail, but I’ll never know without trying. I know you have no reasons to help me and so much reasons to tell them. I want an address. His address. Please, please. Hate me, hate me.”

- “Oh yeah, you don’t know where he lives. Or you don’t know his new mail address. I was your plan B. The last wheel of the carriage. A possibility. An option. And the option says that you’re dreaming and living in a fairy world if you think it will tell you.”

I’m glad nobody is in the park, because if they heard any of this, they would be shocked. I’m still nearly crying, and Chris is rude, which is completely normal. But I didn’t think that my plan would fail so quickly. Because now it’s searching his family name on thousand of houses, in other words, having no chances.

- “Explaining, arguing won’t lead to anything. You were right. My plan is mad and meant to fail. I’ll call my parents.”

This isn’t acting. This isn’t to soften him. It’s the truth. It’s not meant to make him think “Oh, she’s getting blind and won’t see him by my fault”. It isn’t.

But he seems to take it this way, and I feel even guiltier.

- “… Alex, I’m sorry too. How I reacted is even worse. I can’t blame you, it’s life. If you love him, why not? After all, I don’t know what’s going on in your heart. I’ll tell you his address. I won’t tell anyone. Only promise me we’ll stay friends, whatever happens. And, if you need my help I’ll be here.”

- “No, what I said, that I'm getting blind shouldn’t have an impact on you. We’ll stay friends, now I’m gonna ring my parents.”

- “Don’t. You did all this for him, it must mean something. Continue, you do still have time. There’s still hope. And don’t worry about me, I’ll be ok.”

I can’t stop bursting into tears. I can’t stop hugging him. Everyone has faith in me, even when I made them suffer so much. Even if they know how mad my plan is. Because mad isn’t bad. Because mad doesn’t mean impossible.

- “Wait a minute, I’ll give you his address. I think he went to France in July, but he came back last week. I don’t have his phone number, or mail address, sorry.”

I write the address on my phone, and an itinerary is given to me. 15 minutes. It’s noon, but I can still go for an identification of the place. I’ll stop at some supermarket to buy lunch. If I had come one, two weeks before, no Mike.

- “You have my mail, send me a message if you need help, ok?”

- “Yeah, thanks. I can’t believe you’re doing all this for a person who did nothing except making you suffer. Guess you’re the angel and me the demon.”

- “Everyone is an angel and a demon. You should go, you’re wasting your time right now. We’ll see each other again. Friends?”

- “Yes, friends. Thanks, have a nice day. See you!”

- “See you.”

I walk away, heading towards the main street. I turn one last time to see him waving at me, thumbs up. I wave back, fingers crossed. I text Adam, who is asking impatiently how it went. I answer.

“If it had been another person than Chris, failure. Not because he loves me. Because he’s the kindest, most generous, friendliest person in the whole world. Of course he was angry. But he sort of understood. And now I have the address. I’m so happy.”

“Wow, super. Yeah, Chris is wonderful. It must be difficult for him, but what he did is just… amazing. Hope you’re well, you’re supposed to be here in 10 minutes, then things will get complicated, but I’ll do my best.”

“Thanks, the new Adam actor:)”

I go past the school, and I can’t help being seized by emotion. It has not changed since I left. This big brick building. Locking so many good moments.

5 minutes. I’m in another residential area, all the streets are similar. I start looking at the boards giving the streets’ names. My phone indicates “turn right in 30 meters”. It must be the next street. I’m so close. I check the name, it corresponds to the one given by Chris. Now I need to find the number. I’m on the wrong side, with the even numbers. I cross the street.

5, C

7, L

9, O

11, S

13, E

15, R

17, AND

19, C

21, L

23, O

25, S

27, E

29, R.

31. That’s it. His house is just standing in front of me. A car is parked in the alley. His parents must be there. I can’t risk to go ringing. So what now? Am I gonna wait here on the pavement hoping for him to go out alone? For the moment, he’s probably eating, the best thing I can do is to go and pick a sandwich, because I went by none on my way here. Then, I’ll see.

20 minutes later, I’m back in the same situation. I cross the street once again, and sit down. My parents should be aware that something is wrong by now. This puts me even more pressure. Knowing that my time is counted, only a question of days, perhaps of weeks. I decide to leave myself 1 week, as if my parents would come on this day. It will motivate me. And stress me too.

4p.m. No movement. The house is silent, looking dead. I’m starting to get tired, but I carry on watching.

5p.m. The front door opens. My heart beats faster. It could be him…

An elegant woman goes out, and I recognize Mike’s Mom, who was at the party we did before leaving. Well, at least, he does live here. She has a shopping bag, she’s probably going to the supermarket. She doesn’t see me, I don’t know if she would have recognized me too, but I don’t want to take the risk. I’m a spy:).

The car leaves the alley, then disappears behind the houses.

6p.m. I’m exhausted, I wish I had a camera to do this spying job at my place. And what if he goes out? This question doesn’t stop coming back. I would maybe follow him, then… well… call his name. I don’t know, I think I’ll improvise, even if it can come out to be catastrophic. Adam sends me a message.

“They called at your friend’s house and discovered that you’ve never been there. I said that maybe on the road you had a problem, your view getting black. So now they’re all worried, and I try to seem so too. I know it’s horrible, they’re really worrying, getting sick and everything. But I keep on my actor role. It will give you more time. What about you???”

I imagine all my family, nervously searching, calling, crying. There’s no other way. I’ll explain them everything. I promise.

“I’m sorry for them. When all this will be finished, they’ll know the truth. Another big speech, but I’ll tell them. Thank you, it must be difficult, acting as if I had an accident, when you know I’m in a sort of dream. I’ve been waiting since noon, I saw his Mom, who went shopping, that’s all. I keep hope, I’m going back to the hotel soon, and I’ll do the same spying tomorrow.”

I switch off my phone. This waiting will lead to something. With a phone number, it could have been so easy. I asked Chris during the meeting. Unfortunately, Chris doesn’t have any phone, and he lost a bit contact with Mike since they weren’t in the same classes during college. They chatted by mail, but Mike must have changed his mail address because he doesn’t answer. The only phone number Chris knows is the one of Mike’s mother. Of course, a so complicated and unlogical and crazy thing can only happen in my plan. So I have to stick with the address. The good point, is that now I know Mike didn’t stop on purpose talking to me. And then he probably didn’t remember my mail address, because when you change your mail address, it must clear out everything from the precedent one.

If you want a summary, well I don’t have any phone number; that’s why I’m waiting on a pavement watching a house. Boring and mad.

At 7p.m., I get up and walk back to the hotel, tired.

It isn’t failure. It isn’t victory. It’s a beginning.

The sky is blue. The sun isn’t there yet, but I bet it will be sunny today. I ate my breakfast quickly. I showered quickly. I dressed up quickly. I waited impatiently for the others to be ready. Normally, Chris and Martin go to school by bike, however this morning we’re going on foot.

Finally, the three boys are ready, and we start walking in the street. It’s quite cold, but I like cold.

I see other students heading towards school, as us. We’re getting nearer and nearer. Chris told me he wasn’t in the same class as Mike and Ben, so he doesn’t know their timetable.

The building comes into view, I recognize it immediately, with a church next to it. Hundred of bikes are parked in front of it, and students as well as teachers are getting in. It’s the last week before the winter holidays. The lessons start at 8o’clock, we have 10 minutes left. Adam and I were invited to follow the lessons in the classes of Martin and Chris, I’m sad Mike won’t be there. But I’ll see him during recess. We enter the building, and head towards the reception to inform the school life we’ve arrived, our parents have already told them the reason of our presence here. My parents were teachers in this school, which made it easier.

In the corridors, I look out for Mike or Ben, or the two of them. Everyone is staring at me, I’m surely a new face. I don’t see anyone who was in my primary class. People might find it crazy I want to go to school during my holidays… too tired to explain. In one word: love.

The maths teacher (who knows my parents) tells the students why I’m here, then starts her lesson.

Then we have history; I think I came the worst day.

Chris told me they had sport this afternoon, so I’ll only be here half a day. Which leaves the morning pause and a bit of the lunch recess to see Mike.

The lesson ends, Chris goes to his locker. I don’t know anyone in his class, apart from his friend Jack. We just say hello to each other. I get out of the class, thanking the teacher.

It’s maybe now.

Suddenly, I see Ben, leaving the class next to the one I left.

Yes. That’s Mike’s class! Boum. Boum. My heartbeats can’t go faster.

I reach Ben.

He sees me too.

- “Hey! Alex! What are you doing here?? Nice to see you!”

- “Hi Ben! I’m in holidays and we went to Holland, to see you all I went to school, I didn’t have the best lessons, but it’s super nice. Chris told me Mike and you were in the same class, do you know where he is?”

- “Cool. You have the worst luck ever, Mike is sick today, he wasn’t in class.”

Sick?! I try not bursting into tears, keeping calm, all my hope leaves me. That was my only chance, my only day… and he’s sick. Not here. No! It can’t be possible. It cannot… and then I need to be stupid. When Ben says he’s sorry, and that it’s so bad luck, and that now he needs to get to his locker, what I answer is “ok, bye, it was nice to meet you”. I could have asked him Mike’s address, why he didn’t respond… and now he’s gone.

Because I was so stupid. I get out of the building. I’m crying. I don’t care if people stare. I sit down on a bench. Why? Why did this happen? I’m getting blind, that’s enough.

Praying doesn’t lead to anything. Neither does hope. Or maybe for others but not for me.

Ache.

I wanna see him.

Never never you gave me any chances, any luck. You’re taking everything away from me.

“They found all our mails on the ipad. I’m so sorry, it’s my fault. We’ll be here by this evening, 4p.m. You must see him today… I’ll never forgive myself.”

That’s the first thing I saw this morning. 1 day left, even less. I don’t feel angry towards Adam, after everything he did for me. It was just so risky using the tablet, knowing our parents used it too. And know we’re paying the price.

30 minutes later, I’m in the street. Please, go out; please. No movement, as yesterday. Time passes. Time goes away.

It cannot do the same thing as last time.

At noon, I decide to get lunch quickly. I’m exhausted, a bit of food will be welcomed, even if it costs me some of my precious minutes.

I’m going back to my spying spot when I see him. Ben. Skating alone in his street. He’s my only chance. He maybe knows where Mike is. I run towards him. It’s like last time, in the corridor.

- “Alex? What the hell are you doing here? There’s no school!”

- “Ben… no time to explain. Please, do you have an idea of where Mike can be?”

I’m talking out of breath.

- “… why?”

- “It’s too long to explain… please, just tell me. I’ll explain later.”

- “Are you alone?”

- “yeah. Please Ben, answer me. I’m running out of time.”

- “Wow. We’re sounding like in a film.”

- “Please Ben, I know it’s kind of crazy, I just need you to tell me. Please.”

- “You’re seeming pretty desperate. Explain me in a brief version before.”

I understand I won’t get anything, and it’s maybe better to tell him. After all, it’s only 1p.m. Once again, I explain the whole story. He listens without interrupting. I’m even more out of breath when I’m finished.

- “… that’s something. I understand now. Your parents will be here in less than 3 hours. I can’t believe it.” Exactly the same words as Chris. “Why you wanted to see him last year. I’m sorry for you, becoming blind. It must be horrible. Ok, you’ve told me everything, it’s my turn. You’re lucky this time, guess you need it. Mike told me he had to go the dentist today, he just hates it. His appointment was planned at 12:45p.m.

I don’t know the exact address, but I know the street.”

Once again, I enter the street. Without my phone… well… failure.

- “Oh thanks… thank you, thank you.”

30 minutes this time. It’s 1:15p.m. I start running, even if my lungs are on fire. I can’t miss him. Each time I was getting closer and closer before missing. Not this one. Not after all I did. Not after all I endured.

I run past people, past shops, only concentrating on my phone and forward. Turn left. Continue straight on for 500 meters. I’m breathing heavily, but can’t afford having a break. Not enough minutes in my wallet.

I arrive in a big street. It’s this one. I ask people if they know where the dentist is, I just hope they’re not several offices.

The street is very long, and I need to walk for at least another 500 meters. 2o’clock. Even by running, I’ve exceeded the 30 minutes.

Blackness.

No! Not now, not now! How can you do this!

I stop. What can I do? Nothing. Nothing apart from hoping. Last day it took about 10 minutes to go away, how many this time?

My hand touches a wall, at least I’m not bothering people in the centre of the pavement.

You must have seen, in all the different chapters, I don’t really talk about my illness. Like if I had a normal life. Because I didn’t need to talk about it, it did nothing special. And when everyone forgets about it; it comes back, in the worst moment. And this is raging.

I’m more than desperate. I thought failing wouldn’t be so bad because I had tried, but it’s horrible. Awful. Heart breaking. How can one simple thing become the most complicated thing to get? Seeing someone is easier than climbing the Everest, and still. I’d be at the summit. Instead I’m at the bottom.

I can’t feel my legs. I can’t feel anything. I can’t sense time passing.

10 minutes? 20 minutes?

My problem with time isn’t my parents, it’s Mike. I’ll miss him for sure. I hear children going past me. I hear adults chatting joyfully. If only I could see and not hear. If only…

Waiting and waiting. Always waiting. It’s a terrible sensation to hear the outside world and yet to be cut from it.

White. Black. White.

The first thing I do is to check my watch. 25 minutes gone. I have no idea of how long a dentist appointment takes, but nearly 2 hours seems a lot.

I move on. All my body aches. I was not meant to be running in streets. I was meant to be doing a race against time, but not a real one.

Every step is painful. Every step is still hopeful.

Everyone is smiling. I want to be smiling too.

I look on both sides of the street.

Walking and walking. Always walking. It’s a terrible sensation to be in a perfect day and yet to be imperfect.

On the opposite pavement, I can distinguish little boards on the wall. Such as boards where are written doctors’ names. The dentist.

The nearest pedestrian crossing is at 50 meters. I head towards it. I don’t stop looking across the road. A boy with long chestnut hair is on his phone. I continue. Wait? I move back.

I can’t help screaming of shock.

And of happiness.

The pedestrian crossing is too far away, but they’re no cars. I start crossing the street, almost running.

I shout out his name.

He lifts up his head.

I’m in the middle of the road.

He recognizes me, and he’s as shocked and surprised. Happy, too.

That’s when my view abandons me once again.

I trip and fall down. On the road.

A few seconds later, a hand touches my front head.

- “Alex! Alex, you must get up… please…”

All I hear is the sound of a klaxon. Then doors opening, people screaming.

Light pours in. A car is centimetres away from my body. I turn. I should never have done this.

Mike is lying, blood all over his face. No! I should have taken the impact, I should have been the one on the floor. I drag myself towards him. A crowd formed all around us. A woman is calling an ambulance. The driver of the car is lamenting himself. Parents are taking their children away.

- “Mike! Oh… it’s all my fault. What have I done!”

- “Alex. I’m sorry. I… I changed addresses.” His voice is hoarse. My tears are falling down on his chest.

- “No, no. It doesn’t matter. You’re losing blood, so much blood.”

- “… I know. I won’t last long. I’d want one more… thing”

- “No, no, the ambulance is arriving. They’ll take you to a hospital, it will be ok.”

But I know it won’t. The cut is deep. He has already lost too much blood.

- “Alex. One thing.”

- “Yes, anything you wanna me to do.”

- “Kiss me.”

Kissing him? No, it must be wrong. Maybe on the cheek.

But I see in his eyes I’ve heard the right thing. He can’t love me. And yet…

I bent down. His lips are covered with blood, I don’t care. People are watching, an ambulance siren sounds a few kilometres away.

For a moment, I forget everything. This kiss is a dream. My head is empty. All I feel is joy. I’m walking on cotton. Mike’s hand reaches mine, and squeezes it.

When our lips split up, we’re back in reality.

I lie my head on his chest. His heart is slowly leaving. His other hand caresses my front head.

The crowd doesn’t know what to do. As if it had been too late from the start. As if they were watching two persons in a bubble, and knew that they couldn’t enter the bubble.

More and more seconds between his heartbeats.

In a last effort, he whispers to me.

- “Alex… keep fighting… and never close your eyes. … I love you.”

As the ambulance arrives, he takes his last breath. I stay there, still holding his hand.

The nurses and the ambulance driver understand. There’s nothing to do. He’s gone. I can hear people muttering, sobbing and saying on and on “what a dreadful accident, he was so young”.

I can feel my eyes leaving me, and I know this time they won’t come back.

I’m too sad to cry. I’m too angry to scream.

I can barely see anymore.

When his parents arrived, I was in the same position. They cried and cried. Screamed seeing their son’s dead body. And then, they kissed him, caressed him, and hugged me. I don’t know why. But his Mom hugged me so tight. The ambulance took the body, his parents followed by car. They took me too.

2 hours later, having been taught the horrible news, my own parents arrived at the hospital.

I’m too tired to write more, or what happened. You can imagine it if you want to.

Lying in a bed. Everything is black. I’m blind. But I made a promise.

I will never close my eyes.

He whispers it to me, again and again.

"Don’t close your eyes."