The Secret Notebook of Angsty Teens. | Teen Ink

The Secret Notebook of Angsty Teens.

July 27, 2011
By Ranae Schwartz, Dallas, Georgia
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Ranae Schwartz, Dallas, Georgia
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Author's note: What better inspiration for writing something than real life?.

Majority of this is between me and my best friend. The way this story goes is that when you begin reading, it will be like starting from the middle of the book, and as you continue to read, you find out parts of the beginning. There is no real ending, for there is no ending in life, until you die that is. While this story does chronicle my high school experience, the truth is that even when you leave high school, you will still be able to associate different places, or situations, with high school. High school is something that never really ends, for we all still continue to learn beyond graduation, we're just not getting graded for it.
I am in my Junior year of high school. However, background stories may just go as far back as my freshman year. Also know, that I'm never trying to make someone seem bad to you, the reader, my personal opinion will come up, but really, I'm quick to forgive, even quicker to move on; and I don't really care about most of the things that happen to you if you've made me mad, I just... move on. That's probably the overall theme, not the gossip, or the juicy details, or people being able to relate to me because they have similar situations. I'm not trying to give advice on how to handle situations, but if it helps, then I'm happy for you. I want you to learn how to not judge, and how to move on instead of holding a grudge, or continuing to attach yourself to the past. You'll see that I struggle with letting people go. However, I find that a good quality to not want to leave someone's side. And it truly is a remarkable feature to be able to forgive someone for all the wrong they've done and still help them and be a real friend.
And even if you don't get anything but entertainment out of this, then that works too.

Ranae: What if I just make the same mistake again?Or, what if it's not meant to be me and him together? I'm not sure about Sean. Yes, i love him, but am I in love with him? IDK. All last period, that's what kept going through my mind. Sean or Steven, Sean or Steven. Sean is my next door neighbor, and I don't exaggerate when I say that. The first time I met him was the first day of the second semester of my freshman year. When I first saw him, I didn't think anything of the way he looked, whether he fit the 'perfect guy' profile or not. I was just excited to have new next door neighbor because the house they moved into was apparently unlivable. Every time someone moved in, they moved out before six months was up. Maybe we can call it fate, destiny, or foreshadowing. As I got on the bus, I ran to the back excited to tell one of best friends, Samantha, that I had a new neighbor. Guess what? He walks on the bus, and she goes, "Sean?" What do ya know, they happened to have known each other. That day I happened to be going to her house. He was talking to me through her the entire time I was there. Finally I gave him my number and there really wasn't a day we didn't talk, except holidays when he went to Texas. Four months later and if you asked, I would've told you I was basically in love with him. About that time was when he kissed me for the first time. I'm still very glad that tree from his yard fell on my fence. I can't tell you the exact date, but I can tell you what we were wearing, the movie we were watching, even the exact time into the movie that it was when he kissed me. Blood and Chocolate, 12 minutes 47 seconds. Emily: Sean never worked. We've been over that one 14 billion times. You waited and waited and waited, but it never developed into anything. But then you have Steven. Someone who genuinely cares for you(and Shows it). And he wants you back. Yeah it took him a while to get to the point where he is now, but he had a lot to think about. I also met Steven my freshmen year. It was spring break, and the ROTC were taking a trip to Washington D.C. We were taking a charter bus on a thirteen hour drive. He was sitting in the seat directly behind me with someone else name Shawn Finley in the seat next to him. The first time I saw him, I liked him. I didn't even know his name, but he looked sad. He slept most of the way, leaning up against the window. There were times during the trip that he would flirt, and later, I found out that he actually used Shawn for his own entertainment. He told him that he thought I like Shawn, and that Shawn should go for me. This plan, I guess you can say, kinda backfired on him, because me and Shawn started dating about a month later. Ranae: How did he show he cared for me? There was nothing special he did for me that other people haven't done. And it doesn't matter how many times we go over it, I'll still have feelings for Sean. And I'm just so scared that if me and Steven get back together, that if Sean does something, I'm just going to make the same mistake. What's this mistake I'm talking about? The end of my sophomore year, me and Steven were in a relationship. It lasted six weeks. I could probably say that there were a lot of reasons to our break up, but it was really only two. 1) Sean, and 2) fear of commitment. On May 24th, 2010, I ask Sean to tell me the truth about what he thinks of me. All the good and all the bad. His response? "Well, you've been my best friend on this side of town, and even though at times I was a major ass, you still stuck around. And that means a lot. I do love you. But it was always bad timing. First because of stuff, then you and Steven are together now. I'm also going into the Navy, and I would just leave." So now I have to clarify the 'stuff' he mentioned. When he went to Texas over the summer before my sophomore year, he came back having a long distance relationship with a girl named Audra. At some point in time, me and her became friends after Halloween. Before me and her became friends though, me and Sean kissed, and I don't mean a simple peck or something that was impulsive or insignificant. To tell you the Halloween story, I have to tell you all of it, not just me and Sean, or else you won't understand why it happened. It started out a good day. Sean came to the fall festival with me and stayed the entire time. While we were there, I put face paint on his face to look like a skeleton. The entire time he was rubbing my knee, which, honestly gets me very distracted. When I told him what he was doing, he continued on because he really already knew what he was doing to me. After the fall festival, Sean come trick or treating with me. Every once in a while, I would stop walking and he would come up behind me, put his hands on my waist, and start walking. Once, just to mess with him, I pushed back on him and he got a little flustered. We walked to Samantha's house. At this point, they didn't have any front steps, so I threw a piece of candy at her window. Crissy, who is a major slut really, was there too. They both came down and we talked, and soon, Samantha said they'd come with us. But only because Crissy wanted to get laid. First, she tried to get Sean to go do stuff with her, but then Samantha tried also. She tried to get him to go into the woods with her, saying things like, "You said we'd do it last year and we didn't, so come one!" I felt completely betrayed by her. She knew I had feelings for him and hearing her say that told me she didn't care about me. Even though she probably thought I was out of earshot, but it always hurts when someone you think is a best friend does that. So we were all headed to some random guy's house that Crissy and Sam had already been to. I walk up to the door with Crissy. We ring the doorbell and the guy opens the door, he invites us in, but I go back to the driveway and sit with Sean and Samantha. Crissy comes back out, nothing happened. We start walking back when a couple of girls drive by and tell Crissy that they're leaving so she can go get some if she wanted. Then two guys walk down the street toward us. Crissy goes and talks to them, then they start walking back to their house. On the way, Samantha's mom calls me. I ignore it. However, my mom calls me next. So I answer, and I lie to buy us time. By this point, I am just severely pissed off. So I walk up to the door, knock, he answers, "I need to ruin my friends fun." "Okay, as long as you're the one to do it." "That's fine by me, where are they?" "Take a right and back corner. You can go in, I doubt they've done anything yet." But, remember how I told you Crissy is a slut? I knew that she worked fast and stuff was going on. So I yell through the door, "Crissy, finish up, we gotta go." Some of the drunk guys look in to see whats going on and come back shocked. The guy in the room comes out and goes into the bathroom to do what I assume is to finish jacking off. Crissy stands in the door with no pants, so I say again, "Crissy. Put your pants on. We gotta go." And I left, I started walking off, not waiting on anyone. I'm almost 3/4 of the way down the road, Sean comes out and tells me to wait. However, the mood I'm in, I don't feel like stopping. So I tell him to just walk fast. I did slow down to let him catch up though. He knew something was wrong. He kept asking me to tell him, so after awhile, I did. "Well. Samantha wants to f*** you. Crissy wants to f*** you. I was just in strange persons house, and most of the people there were drunk. I just saw someone half naked who I see on a daily basis. I-" I stopped. not really wanting to tell him the next part, and hoping that he hadn't heard me start another sentence; but he had. He said, "I heard that, what else?" I didn't answer. He continued on. "I wasn't going to let you be in that house alone... That why I went with you." "It wouldn't have mattered if you didn't. I would've been just fine!" All of this is angry, what he said offended me too. I hate when people assume I can't handle myself in situations. We kept walking, I swerved towards him several times, he only noticed it one though. I told him what I was going to say earlier. "All night... I've wanted to just kiss you." So when he actually noticed the swerve, even though I just went back to where I was originally; which was four feet away, he pointed out that he saw it. I didn't respond. I was walking really fast, and he was trying to get me to stop so I would just talk to him. At one point he got in front of me and I managed to get around him. He turned and grabbed me by the waist. He pulled me back to him, and I leaned my head back in defeat. The warmth of him felt too good to try to fight. However, he thought that I was just getting more agitated and let me go. So I jerked away and started walking again. He didn't try to stop me again. I did stop on a storm drain though. I just kinda stood there. I knew that I needed to calm down, especially before I got home. I asked him why he like me. "Because you're different" "I want a real answer." I stared at him, trying not to cry. "You're fun to be with, kind, smart, pretty," He said other things, but I don't remember, I had been concentrating too hard on not crying. I was also debating with myself whether I should reach out and pull him in for a kiss or not. But, when I went to move my hand, he moved to sit down. I stood for a second more, a little depressed, but then I sat down too. I said, "It's you're turn." Referring to the point that since we always play the questions game, it was his to ask. "Alright, what's wrong?" "You know, and I'm not answering again." "Okay. What's not wrong then? Is there anything involving me? "No, nothing about you... Can my next question be a request?" By this time I had scooted myself closer to him. "Maybe" Then I whispered, in a really pathetic voice while looking down, "kiss me..." And I looked up to see his reaction. And he did. I didn't want to stop. In fact, I wanted to go farther right there, on the storm drain. I was enjoying it too much. Then my mom called. I tried to ignore it, but the buzz became too annoying. My first impulse was to take it out and throw it in the woods. Instead, after about the 8th kiss, I stopped, saying angrily, "why does she have to f*ing call now?" under my breath. I answered, grabbed my bag, and stood up in one motion. After we hung up, all I wanted was to kiss Sean again. I didn't want to go home, I wanted to just try and run away again. Which was fitting, seeing as to how I was dressed as a wood nymph. I could have Sean come with me, just hold on and never let go. I said while walking, "I don't get why you make me feels this way." "What way?" he asked. "I don't know how to explain it." "I don't know why I screwed everything up." I didn't ask what he meant. But it was a suitable statement for both of us. He might've meant with me, or what just happened and how it would affect Audra. [All this is only the first problem with Sean. Now I get to fast forward to January of sophomore year.] I don't remember the exact date, but I know it was Thursday that it happened. We knew that we weren't going to be having school Friday because it had been snowing all day. Sean came over to watch a movie. I'm not sure which movie it was. I believe it was "The Hangover." We were sitting on the couch in the movie room. The only reason I wanted him to come over was because he'd been upset over Audra. It seemed that every time they talked, they wound up fighting. While there, he tells me that they broke up. She kept sending things like "it's not going to work out." and other breakup lines. Wait, the only reason he tells me they broke up was because he was getting touchy and I happened to ask why he was doing it. Understand that this isn't entirely his fault. It probably would've happened even if he hadn't told me. So I put my hand on his inner thigh. This made him relentless. He pulled me on top of him. So there we were, making out while I was straddling his lap and his hands were going anywhere they could. He goes home. Friday, I have the best day and then I spend the night at a friends house. He hadn't texted me back, but I didn't really care because of the good mood I was in... Saturday morning; I wake up to Emily telling me that he said it was nothing but a big mistake. I was devastated. Not only because he wouldn't talk to me about it, but because I also find out that they weren't broken up. I had been used. That was the second problem. The third problem is that I became friends with her. A twist in the story right? One day I was on Facebook, and I messaged Sean thinking that it was going to be him. Turns out it was her. I didn't really have anything to do so I was bored. I told her that and we just started talking. Mainly about Sean because thats really all she wanted to talk about since I was his friend. However, we did have things in common. Which, wasn't strange to me, I guess because all the girls he would like would have something in common. One day, I had Emily tell her everything that happened. That he and I kissed on Halloween, and what had happened in January, how he had cheated on her. She was told this before February. She didn't believe us. She kept denying that he would do that to her. Even though I told her the truth, she didn't believe. Even though she didn't believe the truth, she punished both me and Sean for it. She told him to not talk to me, to avoid me. I told her she was stupid because we were next door neighbors who rode the same bus, had some of the same friends, and went to the same school. That she should lose that hope and come back to reality. Emily: Do you honestly think Sean's going to do anything? He's had months to make a move, but he hasn't done anything. Two weeks ago, all you wanted, all you could think about, or talk about was Steven. How bad you wanted him back, and how much you missed him. Ranae: And i still do. But honestly, I just don't talk about Sean with you because you don't like him. Sean is a best friend, he hasn't "made a move" or asked me to be his because we have no time together. He has a full time job, and i Have school, church, and friends. Emily: Sounds like a excuse. Ranae: What's the point if you never see each other? I have that same thought about Steven too. Emily: If that's your mindset, then both of them are out of the question. Ranae: You are. No. Help. Emily: What do you want me to do? Make Sean quit his job? Tell Steven he can't go into the Air Force? Ranae: I wasn't even Thinking about him leaving. Thanks for reminding me. Emily: Honestly though, what am I supposed to do? It seemed like you were trying to get me to choose one for you and convince you to choose him, but I don't know now. Do you just not want to choose either of them? Because, if you're worried abut never seeing them, then there isn't really anything for you to choose. Ranae:Yes, you're supposed to tell me what to do. But I already know you want me to choose Steven. And honestly, there's no amount of reassurance that can make me think I won't make the mistake again. So yes, there's nothing you can really do. It's one of those where you just listen. Emily: I want you to choose Steven because it's a double solution. But, above all else, I want you to be happy. Ranae: Double solution? Emily: You= sad, lonely Him= lonely, sad Ranae: But do you really want me to be happy? Because it seems that when I am, you point out the faults, and when I'm not, you point out how I could be. Emily: I do want you to be happy. I don't go out of my way to make you unhappy. I'm sorry for when that happens though. Ranae: :/ It's not necessarily about just Steven, but because of Dakota too. I want to have a reason to tell him no, but saying that I'm getting back with an ex I'm in love with is just going to hurt him, a lot. Emily: Doesn't your own happiness matter though? I know you want to protect Dakota, but you're not going to last if you're with him. You already realized that. Also, you're allowed to say "no" just because. You don't have to always have a reason. You broke up with him once though, tell him the same reasons still apply. Ranae: He knows they do, but he still wants to be together to change my mind I guess, and I'e already said no, it's just when they ask why, I don't want to lie or not have another reason. Emily: You have nothing to be concerned about then. You said no once, just keep saying it 'til it sinks in. Ranae: But that's mean and hurtful, I don't want to hurt him. Dakota is amazingly sweet, it's not that I don't want to be with him, I can't because I won't be in love with him. I would never want to do anything to hurt him, and saying that I'm with someone is a lie at the moment, and I just don't do that. Emily: "I like someone else. You're a good friend, but I just can't see myself falling in love with you/ being with you." How is being obstinant mean and hurtful? You can't see yourself with him, that's not your fault. Ranae: You have't heard him cry. Emily: I've heard you cry. I know that this upsets you. Why are you going to be with someone who you, in essence, wouldn't be happy with? Ranae: I'm not. I just want him to not want me, or I want to have a legit reason, that I'm with someone, so i can say that instead of something that sounds like BS. Emily: Sigh. Do you want me to talk to Steven? No. You need to talk to Steven about this. He can help more than I can. Ranae: He's not responding to me, and yes, i do want you to talk to him, I want him to know what's going on, but he's not talking to me for some reason. Emily: OK

Ranae: I think I like Dylan. But he's too much of player.
Emily: Duh. He's also cheated before. :/ So... Yeah.
Ranae: I actually cried for two or three hours when I found out I couldn't see Steven.
Emily: I know. I yelled at him for upsetting you.
Ranae: ? That explains the "Ranae..." he randomly sent me after an hour.
Emily: Lol
Ranae: Why/How did you yell at him?
Emily: He upset you and I was making sure he wasn't just trying to get out of seeing you. Over text.
Ranae: Eh. I told him that I give up on Trying to find Time to see him. Cause I asked him if he wanted to go to the swing dance this Saturday, but his mom is apparently coming home then. So I told him to find the time.
Emily: Yeah. She's in Chicago.
Ranae: What's the point in trying anymore? He leaves in less than three months and will be gone for four. And then it will be summer.
Emily: It's up to you to decide. If you think it's not worth it to keep trying... then maybe it really isn't. He isn't trying hard to see you. :/ Which, in my opinion, is pretty jerk-ish.
Ranae: What upsets me is that you see him more, and then I don't even know about it.
Emily: Figured you'd be upset that I got to see him before you. And yes, I know it's bee longer since you last saw him than it had been for me. I also get onto him, like, constantly for not texting you back/ not trying harder to see you/ upsetting and worrying you.
Ranae: I rally don't think he actually cares, despite what he says. Cause he certainly doesn't try at all to prove it.
Emily: I love you. And I want to say that he cares... but I agree with you. I'm not sure he does. That's also another reason why I yell at him, because it kind of seems like he's just leading you on.
Ranae: I know you don't like when I say it, but, just another Sean situation.
Emily: Sadly, I agree
Ranae: I'm going to tell him that.
Emily: Go ahead. I plan on talking to him tonight. I see you losing hope. It's pissing me off.
Ranae: Time to make him mad then.
Emily: It takes a lot to piss him off. Want me to? Because I'm not going to let him keep hurting you.
Ranae: Idk if telling him that he's being just like Sean to me will piss him off, but most of the time it does when you compare two guys to each other, and sure. Idc.
[Texts between Emily and Steven.]
Emily: We need to talk.
Steven: About?
Emily: Ranae.
Steven: Ok.
Emily: What are you doing with her?
Steven: As far as?
Emily: The whole relationship thing.
Steven: I'm trying to see her, but every time i do, dad wants to do something and changes plans
Emily: Well, you need to try harder. She's pretty much given up on you. And i don't blame her. It doesn't seem like you car. At all.
Steven: Dad just gets in these moods sometimes.
Emily: Explain?
Steven: Dad gets in these moods where he wants to do yard work or any work, and he can't do it on his own so he needs my help.
Emily: Well... keep trying.
Steven: I am Emily.
Emily: Why? :/
Steven: because
Emily: Because?
Steven: Because.
Emily: Give me a reason.
Steven: It's something she deserves
Emily: What do you mean?
Steven: She needs a good relationship and she deserves one.
Emily: But do you actually want to be with her?
Steven: Stays between us?
Emily: Of course.
Steven: I do, but it just seems a little weird still...
Emily: Weird for you or her? Because as soon as she sees you, she's gonna forget all about the weirdness.
Steven: I know.
Emily: So... Why would it be weird for you?
Steven: F*** :/
It's just, she told me I was acting like Sean yesterday.
Emily: Well, you kinda have been.. to her, it seems like you were drawing it out for no reason.
Steven: Drawing it out?
Emily: Like, it seems like you've been avoiding seeing her and avoiding talking to her.
Steven: Do you think I am.
Emily: Honestly, Yes.
Steven: I'm not.
Emily: Then why do you always text me back, but I have to ask you to keep texting her?
Steven: I enjoy talking to you more.

[Texts between me and Criss]
Ranae: She wasn't mad at me :) just asleep.
Criss: Didn't say she was mad at you. Said your gonna loose her fast if you keep treating her like this.
Ranae: Treating her like what? All I'm doing is making sure she stays healthy.
Criss: YES. She will despise you for it. And your not her mom. And you don't need to get mad at her, call her house repeatibly when she tries to sleep. Or tell her what to do. I take care of her. There is no need for you to do that. She has me now.
Ranae:How can I expect you handle her? Whenever she gets angry and it starts to turn into a fight, you give in because you don't want it to get worse.
Criss: I CAN handle her. Cause she knows I have the ability to leave. I know more than you now. I can do more than you now. And no, shes not completely healthy, but I help with that. Shes not dying either. You need to stop bossing her around and be a friend instead of a wantobe-mother to her. Your not.
Ranae: F*** off and be a sex toy.
Criss: No. You f*** off and let her have a life. She needs to be happy for once. And she was til you started "mothering" her.
Ranae: Well, when she stops eating, and constantly says up, it's unhealthy. She doesn't need to do it, she need to have it be regular.
Criss: SHE HASN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG. let her liver her own damn life. She doesn't need you to "protect" her anymore. My job now.
Ranae: I told you to f*** off, and how do you know she doesn't need me?
Criss: Because she dosnt. I'll f*** off when you do.
Ranae: Fine. Let's see how long she lasts without me. Be happy you're the reason she just lost her best friend.
Criss: She will be fine.

Ranae: Would you like to go to the swing dance with me Saturday? They teach you how to dance.
Emily: Depends. How will i have to be dressed?
Ranae: It doesn't really matter, but it's 1940's themed because it's for veterans.
Emily: Meh :/
Ranae: Please, I don't want to be with Katie and her friends by myself.
Emily: You have to make up with Criss ^.^
Ranae: No. He has to apologize to me first. And it's not like he would want to go anyway.
Emily: Well, I don't wanna go without him. And you two are gonna make up eventually anyway. Why not get it over with now?
Ranae: Because, I' not the who's going to apologize first, I always am. And Monday, he told me that he didn't really care about anyone else in the world other than you. And if you want to say that he cares about me, fine, but I'm not going to believe anyone anymore until they prove it. Because I'm tired of being let down.
Emily: You're right.
Ranae: About what? You can't say that after a long paragraph or else I get confused.
Emily: Lol. You're right. That didn't make much sense. I meant that I just agree with everything you say. Also, I just noticed that my nose flares at random times when I'm writing.
Ranae: Awesome, don't try to change the subject. -.-
Emily: What shall we continue speaking about?
Ranae: Idk, I just thought you were changing the subject because i might get angry.
Emily: Nah. I'm not worrying about pissing you off anymore, lol. Cause I don't really think we'll get into a real fight again.
Ranae: When do I mainly get pissed off? Like, what sparks it?
Emily: Steven, if I've kept something from you and you find about it, me being stupid. << Is that what you were asking for?
Ranae: Yeah, but Steven doesn't necessarily make me mad, just depressed. I've gotten over getting extremely angry when I cry too. I guess when people tell me I'm wrong or when they think their stupid actions are rights.
Emily: I usually just get irritated when you try to act like my mom. Especially when i want to nap, because I'm already crabby from being tired. But I know that you're just trying to help.
Ranae: Well, when you told me that about your mom, it kicked my mothering ability into overdirve, and you can't deny that most of the time you act like a child, and when you do, most of the time I act like the mom that's playing along.
Emily: Lol. True. I have nothing else to say =)
Ranae: Stop making Sarah faces!!!!
Emily: I ish not making a Sarah face!! >:(
Ranae: Yes, Yes you are.
Emily: Nuh uuuuuuhhhhh! [makes more Sarah faces]
Ranae: [Squishes her face into a fish face] I'm going to do this every time you make one.

Ranae: I'm surprised Jessica and Arron are still together.
Emily: The divorce thing? She's been trying to convince him to go to Washington with his mom.
Ranae: No? Just in general. And why would she do that? He's supposed to come here next semester.
Emily: His dad almost choked his mom to death and apparently they're supposed to be getting a divorce today. His mom is moving to Washington in a few weeks. He's supposed to move in with his Aunt, but she might also be moving to Washington. And he doesn't want to leave Jessy, but she thinks he should be with his mom cause they're really close.
Ranae: I really don't care. O.o Which is a strange feeling for me.
Emily: Meh. She's just really worried because he hasn't spoken to her since church yesterday.

Ranae: What was all that about him and Dakota fighting again, the other day? And, BTW, Ally and Dakota are back together. Which is kinda stupid.
Emily: Wtf. She hates him! Ugh.
Dakota was messing with Arron and Arron was threatening him.
Ranae: How was he messing with him this time?
Emily: Dakota was doing the same thing, and hew was just being an ass.
Ranae: So stupid and immature, all three of them.
Emily: But of course.
Ranae: But back to the original subject, I'm surprised they're still together, as in they haven't cheated on each other yet, or she hasn't done to him what she did to Dakota
Emily: Arron's totally in love with Jessy. But I think she's gonna get tired of him soon. Then something bad's gonna happen
Ranae: Arron's been totally 'in love' with other before. Like Rachel.
Emily: And he felt like total s*** about cheating on her. But eh, they'll end soon enough
Ranae: She wasn't the only person he had cheated on before apparently, at least that's what Criss mad it seem like.
Emily: Idk. Idc honestly.
Ranae: Yeah.
[The next day]
Emily's Facebook status update.
"All you are is mean. And a liar, and pathetic, and alone in life. And mean, and mean, and mean!

Ranae: ?
Emily: Jessy Cheated on Arron. And she lied to me. They didn't break up yesterday. They6 just broke up a few hours ago.
Ranae: With who? And why would she lie about breaking up?
Emily: No idea. And she's a chronic liar.
Ranae: Eh.

Ranae: I'm still feeling lonely today.
Emily: I'm sorry. Jessy said she'd try to fix things with Criss, for my sake.
Ranae: What does she have to fix?
Emily: Oops. I didn't tell you. Arron has a crush on Criss. Jessy tried to get Criss to out with Arron, saying I wouldn't mind. Then she lied and told me that Criss was the one who had a crush on Arron.
But now she's been telling Criss that the only reason I didn't break up with him was because she convinced me not to. And then she was texting this morning trying to start stuff.
Ranae: You told me all up to the 'But now...' What stuff was/is she starting?
Emily: Don't remember. Criss told Arron to tell Jessy to stop lying. Then she on Criss' ass for that.
Ranae: Eh. So yeah. I don't think Steven's Parents like me anymore. Cause if it were my parents, after asking several times, would realize that they can do something another day. Or, he's not really asking, but I think it's the first one.
Emily: Idk. Why wouldn't they like you?
Ranae: If he told them what happened the first time, or since he didn't really give me a chance the second time, they think that it won't work or there's no point.
Emily: Bleh. :/ talk to him about it?
Ranae: I want to, but I try not to. Cause it just makes things worse when I tell him how I feel if it's not good.
Emily: Does that realization come from before or after you saw him on Wednesday?
Ranae: Before. I'm afraid of what will happen if I talk to him.
Emily: It couldn't hurt to try though?
Ranae: Yes, it could. That's why I'm scared. lol
Emily: Make. Up. Your. Mind. You don't think they like you, but you won't ask him about it.
Ranae: How would he know? I've asked him once and he said he didn't know. And that's not exactly a conversation I really want to happen if the answer's no. How would you feel if Ms. Donna didn't like you?
Emily: I would probably never go to his house again.
Ranae: Now, how would you feel if she liked someone else more?
Emily: Idk
Ranae: :/ I just... feel kinda unwanted, even though I'm not sure if it's even true.
Emily: I don't know what to say. If you don't to know, don't ask again. If it bothers you too much, then try talking again.
Ranae: My dilemma is both.

Emily: Dude. I have power when it comes to Criss. I just told him he should talk to Jessy (so they can work things out) and he asked "why?, I said, "because I'm asking you to." and he said, "sigh.... sure."
Ranae: Woo
I want chicken.
Emily: Lol. Me too. Yesterday, I ate lunch AND dinner.
Ranae: :O No way! I didn't eat dinner. Just lunch.
Emily: Lol. Good job. I was still hungry after dinner though. :( but I continued to 'starve' myself.
Ranae: I just wasn't hungry. All I wanted was stuff to drink.
Emily: I want orange juice now. :(
Ranae: That was my breakfast! People look at me weird when I tell them I can't eat solid food for breakfast.

Ranae: I wanted to talk to you about something, but I forgot what it was.
Emily: lol. Good job
Ranae: I think it was important
Emily: :(
Ranae: I think it was more like :/
Emily: Bleh :/ then.
Ranae: I think I remember.
Emily: Mhmm?
Ranae: It's about Steven.
Emily: Mmkay?
Ranae: I hate hurting people's feelings when they like me, but I only want him. He's the only one I'm waiting for.
Emily: :/ It's not your fault
Ranae: Yes it is.
Emily: How?
Ranae: Well, when a guy tells me what he likes in a girl, those qualities become more prominent.
Emily: Eh.
Ranae: Sigh. :/
Emily: Eh.

Ranae: What do you know Dylan's "habits"? Emily: Smoking, both kinds. Ranae: He's trying to do worse things. Emily: Such as? Ranae: Ecstasy. Emily: -screeches- Ranae: Don't tell him you know. Emily: I'll tell his f*ing dad. I'm not going to let him f*** himself up like that. Ranae: I'm making sure he doesn't get it. Emily: Get on it. I'll beat him senseless if he tries it. Ranae: I'm trying. Don't tell him you know. Emily: -livid- He's already f*ing retarded, he doesn't need anything else to screw up his brain. Ranae: Can you look up the effects for me? So I can tell him them. Emily: Seratonin levels (happy hormones) are decreased by 60% after someone uses E Ranae: So it makes the user addicted by making them depressed, so they want to take it again to achieve the level of happiness. Emily: Good girl. It leaves permanent brain damage. Ranae: I already knew that. Emily: Here's one side effect when you use ecstasy: Your heart will beat faster, you begin to sweat because your body temperature is rising. The other side effects are confusion, depression, insomnia, amnesia, hallucinations, paranoia, and panic attacks. And those side effects aren't a probability, they're a certainty. Ranae: He's not responding to it. Emily: Beat him. Ranae: -.- Emily: We'll need another person. You and I can hold him down, then get the other person to beat him. Ranae: Nothing still. Goodnight. Emily: Bleh :/ Fine, goodnight. [There's an overlap of above and below conversations] Ranae: What is it that you're wanting? Daniel: Ecstasy. Ranae: No. Dylan: Why? Ranae: It leaves literal holes in your head. There's a guy at our school where you can feel them. Daniel: It doesn't do anything. Ranae: It decreases the happy hormones so that you get addicted to and causes depression, causes permanent brain damage(hence the guy at school), it makes you an insomniac, confuses you and gives you amnesia, makes you paranoid, and can cause panic attacks. And I know those aren't fun. Dylan: Fine, I'll get it myself. Ranae: I'll just make sure you can't Dylan: I'm sorry, it's my choice.

Ranae: I didn't realize how pretty I looked today.
Emily: Gasp! You actually called yourself pretty :)
Ranae: No. I said I looked pretty. There's a difference.
Emily: Lol.
Ranae: Emily, I know I'm pretty. I just don't like it being pointed out.
Emily: :(
Ranae: I've told you why, right?
Emily: Mhmm

When I was in elementary and middle school, I was used to being picked on and called ugly. I look at it as the ugly duckling who turned into a swan because I wasn't noticed until high school. It was such a shock to be called pretty or any other synonyms by people I hadn't known for years or that weren't family. I would literally cringe every time and tell people to stop and never do it again, or, if they absolutely felt the need to do it anyway, to do it when no one else was around. Yeah, I know I'm different.

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This book has 3 comments.

on Jul. 14 2013 at 8:18 pm
Ranae Schwartz, Dallas, Georgia
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment
No offense taken. I know its a lot, and i also wrote a really long time ago, so I need to go back through it. You also have to understand I'm trying to get everything in as it happened.

on Apr. 9 2013 at 7:37 pm
TaylorWintry DIAMOND, Carrollton, Texas
72 articles 0 photos 860 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Never fear shadows. They simply mean there's a light shining somewhere nearby." - Unknown

I love the idea of the story, but it is a little hard to understand. Make sure your sentences are grammatically correct and not run-ons.

on Dec. 6 2011 at 12:43 pm
Willflower.-.-. BRONZE, Yuma, Arizona
2 articles 0 photos 72 comments

Favorite Quote:
This is us. This is who we are. We demand attention.

Too MUCH!!!! CAN"T UNDERSTAND! Sorry for the harsh commment..