If you think back on to your life, and everything that has happened to you. You think of one main thing that shaped you into the person you are today. Weather that was good or bad, happy or sad. It made a huge impact on you and changed your whole perspective on life. For me, sometimes I think that if this didn’t happen to me, if I wasn’t there from the beginning to the end, would I be the strong and independent person I am today. Let’s start from the beginning, summer of 2015… where it all started.

I was 15 at the time, I spent my summer either with my mom or with my dad and mom mom at their apartment on top of old sues restaurant. I enjoyed my dad’s more at the time. My mom was a nurse, so she worked long hours and was barely home. When I was with my dad and mom-mom we spent Friday nights eating pizza and wings, and renting two Redbox movies to watch later that night. My mom-mom wasn’t the biggest fan on horror movies though, which we always got them anyway. Then Saturdays me and my mom-mom would walk down to the restaurant, and then would walk to the post house to get the mail. Occasionally even stop by the pharmacy behind the apartment to window shop. They had EVERYTHING. Sundays would be plant watering day, and refill the humming bird feeders while my dad cooked pancakes for us. It was the same routine all the time, but for some reason it never got boring. I enjoyed it, and we would always spice it up here and there by doing different things but I loved how we spent our weekends, and didn’t want it any different. I was a Friday night when we were carrying grocery’s up the steps, and the pizza and wings when we heard banging on the door from the inside. My heart dropped, I felt an urge of panic rise over me when my grandmother was lying on the floor, and couldn’t get back up. It was a heartbreaking sight to see, but I understood. She had grown more and more weak, and she couldn’t get around like she used to and she hated that. She was so independent, it killed her to ask for help, or use things that helped her walk around. My grandmother had colon cancer, she had it for years. She was one tough cookie, and dealt with so many things, and losing her battle to cancer wasn’t going to be one of them. She had kids of her own, and so many grandchildren she cared about. It was after that incident, that she had a bit more of a harder time getting around. We had her close friend, come over and take care of her during the day, I was in school so of course I couldn’t. But if I could’ve  paused school for those few months, I would go back and change that. I remember the next situation was when I was at the car wash with my mom. And I got a phone call from my cousin, she was hysterical and kept saying “mom-mom fell down the steps, she’s in the hospital.” I felt sick to my stomach at the time, because I knew them steps, and they were hard as a rock, and there was about 40 of them. I rushed to the hospital, and someone she was okay. She was embarrassed and emotional but that was okay, as long as she wasn’t badly hurt. The few months after that seem to blur by, there was many more small incidents like that in the months following that. We all had thanksgiving together at the apartment, family came and it was perfect. I knew somehow that, that was going to be the last moment. My mom-mom’s cancer had come back, and she was done fighting it. She was tired of living the way that she was. December was the worst month for all of us. I had been there every day mostly, being with my mom-mom and I will remember December 25th like it was just yesterday. I remember the smell of the room. I could never describe it, but it always leaves a taste in my mouth like I was chewing on metal. I remember holding a napkin to her mouth as she got sick, her body clearing itself out. I remember the tiredness I felt, from sleeping maybe 2 hours in the past 4 days. I remember not wanting to tell her I loved her just yet, because maybe she would hold on a little longer. I can still feel the pain in my chest, and the tears streaming down my eyes as my dad kept saying he wanted to take her to see Christmas lights one more time. The hospice nurse disagreed with him on that for days, she said it would be best if she was comfortable. And my dad cried for hours about that, because every Christmas that’s what we would do. I remember the last breath she took, and it was the most beautiful thing I have ever heard. It was almost like a long sigh, it was like everything that she had been through and all the pain she was feeling and she was free finally. I also remember and will argue this with anyone till this day, that as they took her out there was humming birds flying in the dark room above her bed. That was probably the hardest thing I had to go through, and it hurt ten times more because I didn’t want her to leave, but I knew it was for the best.

As the spring season comes around, I hang out her humming bird feeder and smile a little brighter because I feel contentment and happiness. I know she’s right there with me, watching for those beautiful little creatures to take a sip of sugar water. I am who I am today because of her, and I will always carry her in my heart with me. I know she is always watching me and will be here through everything with me... and humming birds will forever and always have a special meaning to me.