Color television, airplanes, and the means to access an infinite amount of information at the click of a button. The abolition of slavery. Women’s suffrage. The election of our first black president. Black! What has this country come to? Luckily, all this crazy-talk has been temporarily curtailed with the passing of several measures in Arizona, Arkansas, and Florida that ban gay rights. The greatest victory was won in California, with the passing of Proposition 8, banning same-sex marriage in the state and essentially overruling the decision that legalized it earlier in May. Gays don’t deserve rights anyhow, and that is a self-evident truth.

Homosexuality is destructive to society – just take a look at history. Ever heard of ancient Greece? The Sacred Band of Thebes? Alexander the Great and Hephaistion? The Greeks are a little-known peoples who, of which most of you are probably unaware, helped provide the base upon which Western civilization was built. Their society was extremely short-lived because they accepted homosexuality and pederasty, and thus failed to withstand natural selection. They are looked upon as a stain in history to this day. We mustn’t make the same mistakes in allowing the gays to ruin another civilization! And what about same-sex relationships in ancient China? Thank goodness the concept of homophobia was imported from the West in time, or China would not even exist today.

What people don’t seem to understand is that sexual orientation is a choice. Why don’t they just choose to be straight? Choose to be normal? See, when I developed my first crush, I made damn sure that it was on a brown-eyed, sandy-haired boy. I’m no lesbian, no sir. Straight as a yardstick. But I could choose to bat for the other team if I so wanted. I could choose to be gay if I had to. It’s just that I made this particular choice in life, just like I chose to be female, Asian, kind of short, and bad at math.

I personally propose that same-sex relationships be recognized as “civil unions,” not as “marriages.” Terminology is all that really matters in encompassing the ideas of love and commitment anyway. (Besides, the concept of separate but equal has worked so well in the past.) The term “marriage,” in and of itself, denotes a strictly religious institution. This is the reason there is no such thing as separation of church and state. Special political rights aren’t given to married couples; there isn’t any political weight attached to marriage. This is also why heterosexual Atheists never wed. Ideas don’t evolve. Marriage remains a sacred, sacred tradition, as demonstrated by mail-order brides, classy Las Vegas quickies, and rising divorce rates. Now people actually want to allow others love whomever they want? The nerve!

Thank you to the 52% of California who voted “yes” on Prop 8!
"Yes” on ignorance and bigotry.
“Yes” on discrimination and hate.
“Yes” on having to explain to future generations why, on November 4, 2008, America decided to alienate a group of human beings.