You feel so much of something that you forget how to feel anything else. All other emotions become dysfunctional -you become dysfunctional. It’s a long time and a lot of effort to return to normality. When something traumatic happens, the fight isn’t in overcoming the past or the people who hurt or betrayed you; the fight is in overcoming yourself, in trusting yourself, in believing in yourself. I could say that those around me might view my approach to everything as overly dramatic, as unnecessarily melancholic, but they weren’t there to stop the past and this is my way of mourning and fixing it because even after I broke down, in order to admit that nothing was ok because if not the world would have gone on believing it was.

And that’s the thing that no one ever knows, no one ever knows how that one moment, or series of consecutive moments felt like, pure desperation or a potently toxic combination of negative emotions at one time, everyone will just tell you it’s the past, but they don’t have to live with the consequences, they don’t and they never will nor even care to try to know or understand or imagine solace is an illusion or I have yet to find it…

…Days pass by without meaning. My numbness is assisted by waves of lethargy and indifference towards any responsibility or daily task that might not be a temporary source of solace. You’re put off by people, yet feel lonely in your self-sought isolation. You struggle in being a presentable and decent human being, perhaps because it's so hard to be decent when you've been in anything but decent situations and your indecent behavior is the only contrast, the only truth to that awful reality that tries to convince you of a normality that was never there and that even now, you don’t know, but long for.