13/06/2019 - Thursday

So I'm not entirely sure how to write something like this but I figured it would help in a way to keep my mind focused on one thing so that my thoughts don't run away and make me feel down and anxious, I got the idea from some films and shows that I had seen recently and the characters kept some form of diary or journal about there day to day lives so I'm not planning out what I'm writing yet instead I'm just gonna type down everything that comes into my mind to help give me a better understanding of my own mental process.

I know that its not easy sharing thoughts with other people, it gives me a huge discomfort when I have to explain something or share my thoughts with my family or just another person in general, my mind tends to run away from me a lot and I feel as though my memory may be getting worse because even now I remember some of the things I was gonna write and I had only thought of them a moment ago, yeah its not a good thing. I change topics a lot in my head I don't really spend too long thinking about one thing cos I usually think of something else or just forget in general.

I came to the conclusion a while ago that I was having all these thoughts because I was lonely but now years later I'm realizing that it's not loneliness that I'm feeling because to be lonely would mean not having anyone at all and I have a really awesome best friend, he's pretty cool but can annoy me at times without realizing it, but ill talk about that later because right now I need to concentrate on my issue, what I think I'm feeling is not loneliness yet rather its the thought of feeling like I'm missing something in my life whether its a person or an object I can't be certain but I now realize that's the cause of my bad thoughts which I get quite often, normally during the night because that's when the brain is more active I suppose.

I wish I got invited out more but I know that nobody wants to hang out with me for reasons which I'm not sure of, maybe its because I embarrassed myself at school a lot or perhaps people just decided not to like me, or maybe it was just fate that I was meant to be the kid that nobody liked for ridiculous reasons, that one seems like the most logical, to be honest, and hey even now as we speak my friend is out in a wood somewhere stoned out of his mind, i know I   care or feel jealous but I sometimes wish he would take me with him even if its just his college classmates, or maybe im just envious because I didnt have the same college experience where made friends and got to go for lunch toghever with people who made me laugh, instead I would sit through class while been judged by the bigger guys who gave me a rough time and then I would leave to go eat lunch alone while everyone else ate toghever, those were the times I felt at my worst in terms of loneliness. I think I just craved having a group of friends who would make me laugh and who I felt safe around, yet I never got it, instead, I got a second round of bullying and been ridiculed by others, the things they did hurt me and reaching out for help was hard. After that, I spent the rest of my college term at home working from there, however, I never did any work instead I would sit and play games till the early hours. I guess they caught on cos they called me back to finish the whole course which I did in a matter of days, I would sit in a room alone and eat lunch alone and go home alone, it's not fun being the one that gets left out of life's enjoyable experiences. I would say I wish I was dead but I crave life too much and I crave the experiences which I never got.

I wish my friends had more time for me, so we could hang out more and enjoy life together, yet again here I am at 17 still feeling sorry for myself like I always have, I just wish someone could come into my life and lead me out of this dark period and show me the light. I'm not a healthy person I guess one of my ways of dealing with my issues is by eating yet I'm missing out on meals most days and not getting enough sleep and not exercising because of what's the point it would only seem like I'm trying to make a point for something. I guess you could call this journal a call for help for somebody to come to occupy my time and help me recover as a person who feels lost, that's all for today ill write again when I'm in another down mood, I feel like this could really help I'm gonna keep trying it.

END.