Cancer Stick | Teen Ink

Cancer Stick

November 9, 2008
By Anonymous

In 1864 the first cigarette factory opened and produced almost 20million "cancer sticks" annually in its beginning. Since the opening of this factory and an estimated 360 trillion cigarettes later, America had become addicted. The name "cancer stick" is not a random name for the cigarette; in fact, 43 known cancer causing agents are put into each cigarette. So, in order to make this cancer filled stick at home what would the average person need? Over 4,000 chemicals and a lot of lung capacity.
First, this entrepreneur would need some household items to start off with. The closet where the old musty clothes lay will be a good place to get the chemical Naphthalene, which is found in mothballs. Round up some of the moth balls and throw them in your handy blender. Next, go to your junk drawer and pull our some old batteries. These batteries contain Cadmium, another ingredient in your concoction. After throwing the batteries in the blender, grab a lighter and some cat urine. The lighter has butane and the cat urine has ammonia, both are essential to your cigarettes. For the next ingredient you might have to crawl around in your basement; you are looking for rat poison. Maybe a couple of rat traps, preferably without the rat, will do. If you aren't diabetic, then this next item may be hard to come by. It’s called Maltitol and it's a sweetener for diabetics. After searching for all these items, put them in the blender, make sure to have the lid on, and frappe.
The next items on the list shouldn't be found in your house, if they are you need to get out! The recipe calls for carbon monoxide, a highly poisonous gas, but you won't need that because your cigarette will produce it if it's properly manufactured. The next chemical you do need is Cyanide, which is produced by bacteria in small doses. Cyanide is very poisonous but a lot is needed to complete this process, so make sure you wear your gloves and gas mask when harvesting it. Next, is something called DDT. DDT is a banned pesticide in the United States, so Africa might be the place to find it. Make sure you don’t forget to mix all these ingredients in the blender. Next is Polonium, a radioactive chemical not found anywhere near your house. You may have to ask Fermi to borrow some. Methyl Isocyanine is needed too, but again careful with this chemical because it was accidentally released in 1984 and killed 2,000 people in India. Next on the list is a chemical you have to visit the morgue for, its called Formaldehyde. Formaldehyde is used to keep dead specimens "fresh". Once again make sure all these ingredients are in the blender and this time liquefy.
To complete your cigarette, take your liquefied concoction roll it up in some household paper and light one end. There you have it, simple steps to making your own cigarette right there in your own home. Every day household items and some other not so common ones are put to use through this process. Soon you will be an entrepreneur making a fortune.

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