Around this time last year, I decided to attend Arizona State University, not to receive an education, but to get the right to eat whatever food I wished. Some people have the “Freshman 15” on their mind; my goal is much higher than that. Freshman 50 is my target. The Barrett dining hall does not fulfill my requirements. The food there is too pricey and healthy. I need to test my body’s sugar, sodium, and Sun Chips tolerance. So far, I am rather pleased with my performance. If you were to walk in my room today, you would spot stacks upon stacks of Ramen Noodle and Pop Tarts. Moreover, my 5x7x2 closet is temporarily filled to the top with bags of chips and candy. If eating junk food means saving money, then believe me, I will do it.

Whenever I am in the mood to Cheetos on my homework, I grab a bag out of the closet and get to work. Every Crunch and chew brings me delight. When extremely bored, I stare at my Asian roommate and ask, “What’s Subway? Is your morning going fine?” With an excited tone he responds, “It’s going fine. But Tanguy… I really think I’m going to get Lays tonight!” I would then answer, “Wei, why would you do that? I already have Doritos and Pringles in the closet! We have enough chips to last us for years!” My roommate looks back down at his laptop with a depressed look on his face. “Why are you not in the mood for a good Laffy Taffy? I could use a friend to eat some food with.” At this instant I knew I had gone too far, and my roommate abruptly left the room. The only thing standing beTwix him and me was the door. I then headed out and left for class. There, I always face the serious challenge of taking notes due to my Butterfinger problems; my pencil always slips out of my hand. As a result my GPA is below a 1.5: not much higher than what it was in High School.

The major advantage with all of these foods is their low prices. Anything that taste good and is cheap will attract a college student. I crave food at every hour of the day, and spending more than ten dollars on a meal is not an option. Folks, I am sure the situation is the same for many of you. The only time I am willing to spend such money is with my M&G (Maroon and Gold money) at the local POD store. The food there is outstanding! Why do they not serve the same food at the dining hall? Having done some research and calculations, I realized that the Barrett Dining hall charges twelve dollars per meal. I understand that part of this money goes towards paying the cooks, but does the rest really pay for the food? It seems to me that some percentage of those twelve dollars per meal goes towards the unknown. I don’t know about you readers, but Meatless Mondays do not sound delicious to me, and I know for a fact I am not a vegetarian.

Ladies and gentlemen, with twelve dollars I could buy a multitude of different chips and candy. For financial reasons, many Barrett students do not eat daily at the dining hall. They are not willing to take the Ritz of wasting money. Many would rather lock themselves in their room and eat ramen noodles. Even those, such as myself, that can afford it decide to eat fatty and fast foods in their rooms while watching Netflix. Barrett’s meal plan is overpriced, and, as a result, students are rethinking their meal choices.

Can the Barrett dining hall save itself from this situation? Absolutely. I propose a simple solution. The dining hall should serve the same junk food that all the students have in their rooms. These include foods such as Instant Mac and Cheese, cereal, chips, energy drinks (water is not necessary), and popcorn. With these great dishes, the dining hall is guaranteed to attract more students. Additionally, the meal plan price will have to drop, saving students about four thousand dollars a year. Now that is a great deal! I will no longer have to waste energy walking back to my room. I will have my favorite food only steps away from my Human Event class. The students will now be able to eat their unhealthy food together and watch each other gain weight.

Gaining weight as a freshman is acceptable. Sophomore year serves the purpose of losing all the fat accumulated during the first year of college. Challenge accepted. I knew there was a reason why Arizona State University enlarged its Student Recreational Center: to fit all of those fat sophomores. See you all at the gym next year! The treadmill is mine.