Polygamy and Women: A Modest Proposal | Teen Ink

Polygamy and Women: A Modest Proposal

September 27, 2010
By 32rosie PLATINUM, Sarasota, Florida
32rosie PLATINUM, Sarasota, Florida
32 articles 0 photos 6 comments

It is commonly perceived that having an additional partner whilst in a relationship, especially in marriage, is unethical and immoral. However, if one adds the Mormon religion to the mix, it suddenly becomes an acceptable practice called polygamy. While the official Mormon Church is vigorously opposed to polygamy, and willing to excommunicate any member who practices it, communes in Utah, Arizona, and Texas (considering only the groups in North America) continue to observe this outdated ritual as truth.

Not unlike slavery, men control their wives like slave masters. Women living in polygamy camps are suppressed, psychologically and physically, because their husbands are nervous schoolboys, who know that if their wives are exposed to the secular world, would come to their senses and leave their husband behind. A majority of the polygamist men, who live in radical Mormon cults, are pedophiles who rob their own children of innocence, send their daughters off to 60-something year old men to be child brides, and raise their sons to be sexist, women hating, abusive fiends.

However, since most women stuck in polygamist communes, or teenage girls awaiting their doom at the altar, are convinced that leaving the commune is a ticket to hell, they remain, and continue their lives in obedience to a skewed perception of the Old Testament.

Consequently, these poor women have no place to go. Escaping a radical commune would be, in the words of Laura Chapman, an escapee from a Utah commune, “…a slave escaping their master. You have no knowledge of the outside world, no job skills, and no money. You’re freed, but where do you go?” The solution? Annihilation. That is, of the men.

While some forms of execution may be preferred over others, the most efficient way to mass murder a large group of people would be through execution by firing squad. One simply has to line up the perpetrators, blindfold their eyes, and shoot. It’s as simple as ready, aim, fire. Conveniently, Utah is the only US state that has yet to abolish this act, and happens to be the most popular place for polygamist camps. However, some men will have to be salvaged in order to maintain a balance of gender. While I do not suggest letting them out into the secular world, for fear of their chauvinistic ways polluting the minds of weak and corruptible men who need justification to cheat on their wives, I propose to contain the leftover men by placing them in conditioning camps. Here, they will be ‘seasoned’, because they’re no good in their natural state, for their future lives as ranch workers and contributing members of society. The men will be collected in cattle pens for 2-3 months, nourished, and finally sold off to local ranchers in need of free labor. Occasionally they will be used to propagate, which should be simple for these men, seeing as it was their one and only role prior to removal from their commune.

If my reader has yet to be convinced of the great advantages this reform will reap, perhaps further explanation will persuade him.

First, our economy will flourish. Since America is currently in a financial rut, there can be no better way to resolve this issue than free labor and prosperity. Free labor means more profit per capita, and by promoting the raising of cattle on our own American land, we can ultimately encourage products made in our country instead of importing products from foreign countries like China and India. As previously stated, some men will be retained in case of population decline, however as that is hugely improbable, but not completely impossible, they will function as free labor until needed, since they would be an encumbrance in any other service.

Secondly, through education, ex-polygamist men will eventually become part of society after passing a series of tests. With freedom from labor as their motive to change their gender-biased ways, the men will learn about topics including women’s equality, household chores, and gentlemanly conduct. Other skills include taking care of themselves without the help of fifteen doting wives, learning their children’s names, and taking a break from the difficult task of populating the world. They will also be put through intensive psychotherapy. The result will be the production of modern-thinking, non-prejudiced members of society, therefore benefiting our culture as a whole and revitalizing chivalry.

Thirdly, by executing the majority of men in polygamist communes, we thereby contribute to the resolution of the population issue. Some polygamists have between ten and fifteen wives, and each wife is expected to birth one child per year. There’s no doubt that the world could benefit from the deprivation of so many newborn children.

Having stated the facts and the many advantages of my proposal, there can be no objection to the scheme, but that men living in the secular world will view my proposition as sexist. However, I shall argue that since husbands in radical polygamist groups have treated their multiple wives like slaves since the beginning of polygamy, the husbands are enjoying the same treatment in training to be ranch laborers. Isn’t that what equality is all about?

In short, I have absolutely no relation or bias in the plan, as I have never lived in a radical polygamist commune and can only sympathize with the victims it produces. I simply propose to rekindle America’s economy through exploitation of available resources, which also happens to be ecologically friendly, educating ignorant men of unfortunate upbringing, and proposing a solution to lessen Earth’s population. There can be no harm done.

The author's comments:
This is a parody of Swift's modest proposal, and by no means is to be taken seriously.

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This article has 4 comments.

on Oct. 20 2010 at 5:44 am
32rosie PLATINUM, Sarasota, Florida
32 articles 0 photos 6 comments
Genius! I'm loving the idea. XD

on Oct. 19 2010 at 11:00 am
earlybird_8 BRONZE, Roberts Creek, Other
4 articles 0 photos 115 comments

Favorite Quote:
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Loved the article, and if you want to be even more eco-friendly, have the polygamist men be kangaroo farmers instead of cattle ranchers, because kangaroo produce fewer greenhouse gases!

on Oct. 11 2010 at 5:46 pm
32rosie PLATINUM, Sarasota, Florida
32 articles 0 photos 6 comments
No I haven't, but it sounds excellent. I'll have to make sure and watch it.

on Oct. 8 2010 at 3:55 pm
julyox20 SILVER, Huntley, Illinois
8 articles 4 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Faith consists in believing when it is beyond the power of reason to believe. "

this was a very good article. Have you ever seem the lifetime movie "The 19th Wife?" It's about polygamy and goes in depth to  how they want to take over the world and make everyone like them.