On an average day in public high school, you hear many hateful and commonly misused words. Casually thrown around and joked about. “he’s gonna rape you” “you’re gonna get raped” ‘who would want to rape her” None of this language is uncommon. It’s used lightly in conversation. But let me ask you this? Is it so funny when it’s your girlfriend, your best friend, your little sister or your daughter? When all of a sudden she comes to you crying and covered in scars. When you realize she’s not eating anymore. When you hear her screams every night from the night terrors that plague her sleep.

I had a friend once and I was talking to him about the rape of Dasiy Coleman. This is an intelligent, nice kid. I was done talking about how much it disgusted me and he turns to me and asks “was it rape or was she just drunk.” He is not hateful or sarcastic. His question is genuine. Another friend, after I confessed to her having seen one of the assaulters told me “it’s not his fault- you didn’t even say no.” A young pretty girl, a friend, told me this. Such a frequently used defense. You didn’t even say no. you could have just said no. did you tell him to stop?

But think about this: in your day to day life, when is the last time you said no. Not “no thanks or “not today” but simply and clearly “NO’ Now let me ask you a second question. When is the last time you said that to your boss or your best friend or your teacher?

More than 60% of rapes go unreported. Why? Maybe it’s because the girl knows, that as soon as she gets to the station the first question that will define the fate of the girls offender is “did you say no or tell him to stop”

Just say no
I thought back to some profiles:
Hispanic, a senior, smoking weed.
You’re 18 she just turned 15.
African American. Lives in his apartments, no dad plays for the football team- varsity. Cheats on his girlfriend is constantly smoking weed and drinking. At least one other assault.
Alcoholic by the age of 18. Beats his girlfriend. drops out to go to alternative school.
Money issues, popularity issues, no dad no respect from other kids.
Can’t even look her in the eye. Keeps the lights off.

If watching a crime tv show and hearing a profile like this there might be little to no surprise to hearing he could commit a crime such as rape. But what about if you’re that 15 year old girl and that’s your friend? You’ve been drinking you’re depressed.

I couldn’t even use the word “rape “to describe what happened to me for almost a year.

Because that would make them monsters. And as badly as I wanted to hate them, I couldn’t. they were just normal regular people. It was my fault too. For putting myself in that situation. For drinking around someone I was close to and expecting them to not see that as an opportunity to have sex with me. And rapist- that term comes with so many inhibitions. They’re only two to four years older than me. They’re pathetic. Not someone you would expect to see on a fugitive watch or in prison.

But then a few months later you hear, the one who touched you got your friend too. Walking home from her apartment complex, passing by his at night and suddenly she’s being dragged into the bushes with a giant ugly hand covering her mouth as she screams out for help while the other forces its way down her pants until she bites him and runs away but is haunted every night for a month straight and then less frequently, with dreams of her mom, dad, family and close friends raping her.

They’re like sharks, drawn to the smell of blood. Once it’s happened, your dignity and virginity have been taken it’s almost as if you’re in a spiral. You’re sad, lonely, withdrawn and you hate yourself. You want to feel liked and cared for and you’re so insecure. Drink this, take a hit of that. What’s the worst that could happen? And there you are, a drunk little girl unattended at your “friends” house but no one really cares anyways. And then it’s as if they tell their friends “we’ve found the perfect girl to prey on. She’s so emotionally and mentally f***ed up that if the alcohol, weed, fear and shock weren’t enough, her mental health will surely keep our names clean. Who’s going to believe a little freshman who loves to go out and drink.

Imagine seeing your mom’s face as the doctor tells her that you’ve been sexually assaulted. Knowing her little baby girl has been touched and hurt by someone. Imagine if it was your daughter, crying to you “mommy, daddy please help me please save me” silently in her head as she lay on the ground wishing it would all stop.

As children and teenagers we are told not to say No and we are then punished if we do. Your parents get cross and might even spank you if you’re a young child and respond to something they say with “no”

Your teachers will give you detention or a referral. And god forbid, as you grow up your tell your boss “No.”

We are taught, since we are old enough to speak and understand that it is never acceptable to say “no.”