Outdoor Adventurers

When you wake up at 6 in the morning to explore the great outdoors, there are many creatures that await you, no matter how early you rise. Without the knowledge of what you’ll find on the trail, it will never be the peaceful outing you envision. Around each bend and every rock, something unexpected awaits your eyes. You will never truly be prepared, until you know all the possible people you can witness on the trail. From the downright annoying to the seemingly insane, you may be so unlucky to encounter them all.

Booming and Banging

Whether your reason for hiking is peace and quiet, exercise or just truly because you love it, there will always be people that can and will ruin your experience. The number one destroyer of peace is boom box boy. No matter how early the hour or how packed the trail may be, he will always have a speaker blasting his choice of music. The chances you actually like the music he chooses are slim to none. His goal is to kill all joy out on the trail by blasting his terrible tunes. The only benefit to this horror is the explicit music immediately decapitates all rattlesnakes, within a two mile radius. Normally these guys have big biceps, are no doubt without a shirt, and the testosterone levels are higher than the mountain you are climbing. Be warned these dudes like to travel in herds. Each herd has a leader, the one undoubtedly carrying the speaker. If you happen to run into one in the wild, your only choice is to avoid them at all costs, either speed up or slow down. If you happen to be lucky enough to have them heading in the opposite direction, you are one of God’s favorite. These guys are definitely the most annoying to experience on the trail, they make you lose faith in the human race. However these inconsiderate morons at least kinda belong on the trail, unlike others.

Fish

Have you ever gotten dressed really nice to go to a fancy restaurant, but at the last second you decide to just casually go for a hike? No, me neither. But these people are hiking in a nice black dress and high heels! These women can’t go anywhere without a full face of makeup and picture perfect curls. They are with no doubt in my mind fish out of water; they have no idea where they are or how they got there. I don’t understand how that even happened, are they on a blind date? Did they think they were going to a fancy restaurant and just somehow ended up on the side of a mountain?! Did Dr. Doofenshmiertz fire his teleporterinator, miss Perry and hit her instead? Maybe they ate too much cheesecake at dinner and didn’t have time to run home and change? I am absolutely mind blown when I see these people, I can’t even wrap my brain around this concept. To be fair, there are families who take their family portraits in the nice Arizona desert, and I am not referring to them as these fishies. After years of experience, I have learned that these gasping fish are only there for you to laugh at. So if you see one break her heel on a rock, just know that was mother nature cracking a joke. It’s okay if you laugh, don’t worry; they have to know how completely foolish they look, and your laughing is absolutely necessary to help humble their egos. These women are completely underprepared and are one-hundred percent useless, lost fish. 

Russell

A day hike only really requires water, some snacks and maybe one or two bandaids. However there are select few who pack like they are hiking the Pacific Crest trail. They are more prepared than Russel from Pixar’s Up! More than likely their pack includes: 3-5 water bottles, and more snacks than a family of 10 could eat in a day, and a full surgical first aid kit, and an extra set of clothes, and a bathing suit, and a toothbrush, and 3 extra meals, and a doggy water bowl, whether they have a dog or not. That’s what they pack for a day hike, which normally lasts 2-3 hours. They were most likely Boy Scouts as children or raised in a military household. They are control freaks. By the end of the hike they cannot stand without toppling over, knees buckling with every step, collapsing under the unbearable weight. If you are hiking with a Russell, never, ever offer to carry their pack! This is one of the worst mistakes you could make on the trail, it will make your hike miserable and you will immediately regret your decision, no matter how strong you think you are. However if you are on the trail, get hurt, are out of water, or hungry, find a Russell and they will always be more than happy to share their supplies and maybe even save your life. Russell’s are not an inconvenience to anyone else on the trail, but themselves, making them my personal favorite. They don’t bother you and are always willing to lend a hand, making them a trail superhero.

Excuse me?

Most people on the trail are hiking, but trails are also accessible to bikes, horses and runners. All of whom could run you over in a flash. In all of my life, never have I once gotten an “on your left”, which is just downright rude. If you are on a bike there is no reason why you can’t use your bell, and if you don’t have a bell, then you need to get one! Cyclists are absolutely absurd, not only do they run you over, they are always wearing tiny bike shorts, that make everyone uncomfortable. Horseback riders on the other hand seem to be nice, and I personally have not experienced a run in with them. But it could happen, so just be warned. Now those who run the trail, are commonly known to also fit in the boomers and bangers category as well, but at least that way you can hear them coming. Those who are nice enough to wear AirPods can be heard due to their intensive breathing or their awful rendition of Mariah Carey. I can’t even count the amount of times I have or almost been run into by a bike or runner.  The only way to avoid this catastrophe is to try and stay as right as you can on the trail. It can also be helpful to swivel your head like an owl that way you can see the bike coming. Another way to avoid this is to go on not as popular trails or at least go at a different time then most. These will ensure you will have the trail, almost entirely to yourself. 

Hiking is one of the more peaceful ways to exercise, you just have to be aware of the other types of hikers. Each category of people warrants a correct response, it’s your own responsibility to know that response. Unless of course you are one of the people listed above, in which case, your only job is to be you and cause havoc on the trail. I mean, what would the hiking experience be without a little chaos? And if you didn’t know you were in one of these categories, now you know. But it’s up to those non categorized people to be the glue in the hiking society and keep the trail running smoothly, well as smooth as it can be.