Don’t Get Jumped! Bungee Jump!
(Bungee Ultimate Legion/Legue; Safety, Handling, Information, Training)

Preview: It has come to the attention of my present company, and, in some measure, the entirety of the bungee jumping community, an attitude toward safety which I find disgusting in nature. A plethora of manuals have come from the mouths of cretins and misguided hobbyists, which do not adequately outline the danger of the sport or serve to alleviate it. We publish here the fully functioning compendium for the endeavoring skydiver.

-Nate A. Relperson
-Dick T. Aetor
-Colemon S. Ence

Index
3. General overview
4. Tethering
5. Preparative techniques
6. Risk factors
7. Important information
8. Closing

General Overview:
As professional bungee jumpers, we urge you not to bungee jump at all. As everyone knows, the safest form of bungee jumping is to abstain from skydiving. It is important to learn the ins and outs of bungee jumping so we may never engage in it. I have heart it said by many that they have both enjoyed and safely participated in the act. Yet, these risk takers want only to take you by the and to those deepest depths of Hell. Each and every man who has ever bungee jumped has died and will die and will forever continue to die so if one wants to avoid death then they should not partake. If there are any humans who exist after bungee jumping then they should be treated as total anomalies, who were saved by both Jesus Christ and our Lord God to illustrate the qualities of mercy. Although the activity is not inherently immoral, the circumstances, in consideration of the self ending side affects, could be seen as such. There are a number of careless groups who would have you jump about in a surreptitious fashion, leaving bodies strewn all about the world. We laugh at these groups. Ha ha ha we say. Ha ha ha indeed. In summation, never do any of the things we are teaching you to do.  Ever.

Tethering:
It is more than vital for one to consider the content and makeup of metal tethers in assistance of bungee jumping. When one is attempting to navigate the fineries of downward momentum the stopping force; the lifesaving contraption, should not be overlooked. Again, don’t bungee jump. Firstly, one must properly weigh themselves to begin the chord selection process. Depending on your regional and individual state laws, the material restrictions and health concerns will vary. Don’t bungee jump. One must also take time to search for the appropriate mountain or designated bungee jumping facility they won’t use, and make sure it fits their specific qualifications. The experience should be as fun and individually geared as possible. Feel free to customize the rope you’ll never attach to yourself. Not you’re ready to get out there and not do it!

Preparative Information:
As we are a Philadelphia based organization, the preparative section shall be tailored to jumpers of that region.
D’ANJOLELL Barone Memorial Home of Wallingford

Bolin-Dierkes Funeral Home & Crematory

D’ANJOLELL Memorial Home of Broomall

Dean-Geitner-Givnish Funeral Homes Inc

These will surely be useful to you in bungee jumping attempts. Please visit their individual sites for contact information. Depending on your specific creed/ affiliation, you’ll want to consider cremation as an option post jump. If monetary issues plague you, and you are worried about affording your impending funeral, either don’t jump (please), or contact our financial aid service for possible funeral coverage plans.

(FuneralsforUnsafeConditions)

Choosing a florist is another key facet of your jump, so all your relatives can at least enjoy a pleasant plant while gazing upon your mutilated corpse. When choosing open casket or closed, remember that no one will want to see you. You made a shameful and life ending decision when you bungee jumped, full well knowing the risk, so the idea that anyone could stomach you is laughable. One might bank on the hope that your parents or other close family will forgive you, but this is foolish. And you are foolish. Fool.

Risk Factors:
If you are old, young, happy, Jewish, unhappy, sport appendages, exist, have ever heard the word seven, have contemplated morality, ever wanted to bungee jump, have ever read a book, are any nationality, or have recently menstruated, we urge you to avoid bungee jumping indefinitely.

Possible side effects include:
Death, dying, loss of life, eternal shortness of breath, a pulsation of 0 BPM, rigidity of the entire body, loss of any discernable body heat, rigor mortis, and funerals.

Quotes on the subject include:

“It sucks because I am dead and dead people can’t do stuff I wish I had never bungee jumped nooooo why did I think bungee jump bungee jumping is for people who have no genitals and if you have no genitals and are a lame ass lame head then you’d probably enjoy it but be aware that you will die so don’t even do it under those circumstances. “

“I was busy praising Hitler and shooting puppies with rifles before I bungee jumped, but now I’m just dead. It ended my research on the anti-cure for cancer, Grr!”

“Every time you enjoy bungee jumping, you’re sharing that chord with everyone who has used it before you. Think about that one communists.

“Bungee jumping makes you gay,”
Important Information:
Tingy gobbledy goop Handy mc gooperson Ingydingy nonny nonny Stumbledumble nonsense and In the opinions Stemming from experts Neddy doing swanzadingy O tool mc Tevya havisham christian Scientists blessedessey mcbessey Ebby ressey tabby Xacto tippy toppy Eclaire mchale blue Deus ex crimean Underwar for the Candlelight business bois Atlas tolberty likeness Tabled ying sierra Inaguration devil venerable Ovaries mephistopheles partial Nell.

Bungee jumping was invented by satan in the year 1 B.C. Understand the enemy.

Conclusion:
From whence comes safety. Not from foolishness. Not from recklessness certainly. There come a great many occasions when it is for the good of on to limit them.  We cannot lie about in our own sordid desire, leaving behind those pillars of sense and good form. It is the imposed ruin of the self. To bungee is to die. To die is to bungee. This guide should be observed with the utmost strictness, as a sort of rule of law. It should be kept within reach, for any and all occasions, so as not to catch one unaware.

Bungee jumping has affected many of our organization, and our message comes from a deeply personal place. Sometimes it ruins a life, or makes an outcast of a man. I can sit here and say that there isn’t a single upside…. but that would be a lie. It’s a thrill, one which validates your existence. A perfect moment where the problems and the tribulations dissipate, and you’re left with just yourself and the joy. But it can’t last. Nothing good does. We cut off because it is the only safe way. When you’re hurt, you stop looking for sharp things… And it’s alright then. It’s a different kind of bearable

We thank you for your time and ask you to carefully observe our message! Have a great time not jumping. Best regards,

(Bungee Ultimate Legion/Legue; Safety, Handling, Information, Training)

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