Shakespearean insult letter | Teen Ink

Shakespearean insult letter

August 4, 2011
By Archery-nerd GOLD, West Jordan, Utah
Archery-nerd GOLD, West Jordan, Utah
13 articles 0 photos 9 comments

Favorite Quote:
"A fool knows himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool." ~William Shakespeare~

God ye good den. I beg of thee we meet as little as we can. Thou art a shandy dogfish. By my troth, thou art always cupshot. Are you not light of brain? For without thy precious weaponry, thou art a wanton, dog-hearted scullion. There's no more faith in thee than in a stewed prune, thou disease of a friend!
Art thou handsome? Nay! I marvel much at thy persistence to flatter thy fellow mistresses, where forsooth, every mistress thinks the tartness of your face sours grapes. I would beat thee into handsomness, but I'd infect my hands. So were my eyeballs into bullets turned, that I in rage, might shoot them at your face. Your bedded hair, like life in excrements, start up and stand on end, yet thou hath more hair than wit, and more faults than hairs, and more wealth than faults. Thou art in the worst rank of manhood. Stay out of my sight! Thou dost infect my eyes.
Art thou wise? Nay! Aye merry must I say, thine beauty and thine brain go not together, for you hath not so much brain as earwax, you pernicious, mad-bread ruffian! Were I like thee, I'd throw myself away. Methinks thou art a cream-faced loon. If thou wilt needs marry, marry a fool; for wise men know well enough what monsters you make of them.
Art thou talented? Aye, yet thou hast more pride in thee than blood, thou foul defacer of God's handiwork. Thou hast such inordinate and low desires, such poor, such bare, such lewd, such mean attempts, such barren pleasures, and rude society, as thou art match'd withal, and grafted too! I think thou never wast where grace was said, thou churlish guts-griping barnacle!I'll pray a thousand prayers for thy death!
Now go off, I discard you! Rarely do I see you, and when I do, I am heart-burned for an hour after. Farewell: If I ever decide to think of thee.

The author's comments:
In English class, our last assignment of the year was to write a hate letter to our worst enemy, but in Shakespearean format. Obviously, I had a lot of fun with it and ended up publishing it online.

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This article has 4 comments.

on May. 4 2016 at 8:05 pm
iceskatingqueen BRONZE, West Jordan, Utah
1 article 0 photos 1 comment
OMG, Thanks for this. I really needed help on how to write an insult letter. You gave me ideas. Thanks so freaking much!

on Jun. 24 2013 at 1:52 pm
LexusMarie PLATINUM, Las Cruces, New Mexico
27 articles 0 photos 423 comments

Favorite Quote:
The more control you have over yourself, the less control others have over you.

FINALLY! I have found you! Okay, so I, too, had to write an insult letter in the same format and I was lost! I had never really been 'into' Shakespeare until joining an advanced english class with a great teacher who really 'taught from the heart and not from the book'. And she introduced me to the lovely world of William and we read A Midsummer's Night Dream and I fell in love. Anyways, I typed in google 'Shakespearean Insult Letter' and luckily I found you! Reading this, I took it all in, I mean I STUDIED this. With all of that being said, I got an A on the letter and it's thanks to you! (I did not copy anything you wrote, you just set it all up for and without instructions basically told me what to do.) And anyways, you're a great writer! This is funny and impressive and it's all so wonderful.

on Mar. 19 2012 at 7:23 pm
FrostyPines BRONZE, Draper, Utah
3 articles 0 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
You know what I like about our friends? We say things like "We're gonna douse you in ant pheromones" and they're just like "Okay, whatever." They're so cool.

Hahaha! This is so funny!

on Mar. 19 2012 at 6:25 pm
NinjaSherlock SILVER, Sandy, Utah
6 articles 0 photos 9 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Cats are like tattoos. First you get one, then another, and another, and another, and another. At first you love them, then you hate them and have to get rid of them with lasers."

:D This is great!