People say babies are gifts from Heaven. So, with that logic, we must’ve come with cards. A mental message from the angels or something. After all, what gift doesn’t come with a card?

I’ll bet that right before each birth, the parents are hit with a sudden image of their baby’s grown up face and a message from God. Helpful hints and such. And no one says anything about it, because there are more pressing matters on their minds, like “PUSH! PUSH!” or the scalpel cutting into their stomachs for the C-section of the plain old prospect of becoming a parent. Later, when the baby’s a few months old and the parents actually have time to pause and breathe and think, they’ll remember the card, but not acknowledge it. If they confess to hallucinations, they might be separated from their baby and locked in an insane asylum.

You know, most famous kids gush about how supportive their parents are, and how that’s what got them so successful. I bet they were sent to Earth because Heaven felt stingy, keeping such a wonderful baby all to themselves. I bet God tells their parents “Treat this baby nice. They’re our special present to you.” Or maybe, “Be supportive, ‘cause your kid is going to be famous.” Subconsciously, that message keeps popping up. It’s Heaven’s way of taking care of their precious baby.

I wonder if some kids are regifted. Like, they weren’t good enough for Heaven, so when the angels saw the kid coming along on the conveyor belt of babies, they picked him or her up, plopped a pretty bow on his or her head, and shipped them off to Earth. I wonder what their card says. Maybe: “We know his/her future/personality… good luck.”

I wonder what my card said.

We’re sorry?