The other day, a bank robber was foiled from robbing two banks in a row. Not because of some brave heroic actions taken by an innocent bystander. Rather, the man failed because neither teller could read the note he had written. What type of country do we live in, which cannot produce a legible criminal? Think of all the young children who aspire to be criminals, children whose idols are Al Capone, or Bonnie and Clyde, who face losing their dreams because most colleges don’t support their majors. They have dreams just like you and me. Why should their dreams and ambitions be neglected by colleges, who are too interested in producing their ideal productive members of society.

However, I have here in my hand an idea as to how we can fix this problem of illiterate criminals. I propose the construction and implementation of the National Institute of Crime, an institute where every criminal can feel safe, wanted, and happy. At the NIC, enrolled criminals would be able to explore their passions in crime in learning enrichment environments, to produce the best results. Offering major opportunities such as arson 857, bank robbery 923, fraud 153, smuggling 302, grand theft auto 528 and more, the undergraduates program alone would stand alone in the multitude of futures a student could pursue.
However, this would not be the extent of the NIC’s educational capabilities. If instituted and constructed now, the NIC would able to open up a graduate school and even a medical school due to a generous donation from an anonymous source, paid in cash C-notes. The graduate program at the NIC would include furthering education in the fields of crimes that require more skill, such as Government 101, and Economics 361 and advanced Fraud, Cheating Capitalism 391, Basic Math 397 and even a Female anatomy/culinary course.
But most impressive of all would be the criminal medical school, the most rigorous medical program in the country yet. Classes offered would include every field of interest for villains with doctrines, such as doomsday devices 412, elaborate execution methods 007, stealing nuclear weapons 541, ruling the world 248, elaborate victory speeches 142, surviving radio-active or other power giving experiments 2904, belittling your enemy 4124, and much more.
If constructed now the Evil medical program would accept a projected 200 applicants, but it is estimated only 3 out of those 200 would survive and graduate with a doctorate in Evil Genius and Arch Nemesisary. The goal of the NIC would be to educate and prepare our students for their crime of passion. The NIC mission statement is “To unlock the greatest criminal extent in all of the students; to unleash a new wave of organized intelligent crime in this world. To produce a better class of criminal who walks into a heist interview and says ‘I got this guys. Don’t worry about it’ and provide his team with the best possible advice, and be the most reliable person at the scene of the crime.” Already we have chosen a dean for NIC. Dr. Supreme leader had this to say to the fine children of America “Young juniors, as you go forth into this world, don’t forget the things your parents taught you when you were young. ‘Sit up straight, do your best, and rob the neighbor’s child as he bends down to tie his shoe.’ Never forget your earliest desires to be the best criminal in school and as you get older to remember that crime does pay. But only educated crime”
However like all great ideas, there are some who harbor resentment towards the idea educated criminals. “I don’t feel safe anymore, investing in stocks and buying shares in companies” said James Frosinak full time Cregslist sales person “who knows if the CEO is a graduate of the NIC”. Some people argue that having capable criminals would only put people at more risk. Now, while these concerns are duly noted, we feel it is every college, institute, and university’s responsibility to educate those who they feel needs it most, and the heads of the NIC movement feel that today’s criminals need education the most. It would be an infringement on the people’s constitutional right if they were to be prevented from getting the education they desire.
Overall, the majority of United States residents are pretty energetic about the idea of having educated criminals roaming the streets. “Well, I think educating our criminals would prove to be very beneficial to society” said Shaggers McHoboman, after talking to a fire hydrant for over an hour “it will finally get those aliens off my back.”
“I think it is a great idea, offering criminals a higher degree of education. Criminals who never had the opportunity to get a higher degree in their respective fields would be able to get the formal education needed to succeed in life. ” said Robbin M. Blind, convicted bank robber.
People in America are tired of petty criminals running the crime show. They want somebody who has been educated in the correct manner of committing a crime. “I would feel safer when at the mercy of a Dr. evil Criminal Mastermind who went to medical school, than in the hands of some Mr. quasi-evil criminal mastermind, who went into the evil crime planning business after high school.” Said Jane Mackowitz at the scene of a hold-up “If these guys don’t know what they are doing, then who knows what the consequences could be. I mean, somebody could get killed.”
I feel very strongly when I say that the solution to the illiterate criminal problem is to offer equal education to all members of society. Yet, there is no college for these people, whose sole desire is to make an honest living, robbing banks, working in the government, or trying to take over the world with some elaborate scheme. That is why the construction of the NIC is vital for the criminals of tomorrow.