Fabian was born June 15, 2002.
He weighed one poundfour ounces.
Like so many other preemies' moms,
I'm only 17 yearsold.

How funny life can be when you're 17,
In love, and think you knoweverything.
In a blink of an eye that all changed for me.

How lucky weare to be alive, Fabian and I.
I died three times during seizures whilehaving
My son ripped out of me ...
He lost his life once on that operatingtable, too.

Waking up out of a coma,
I kept telling myself I must behaving a bad dream.
My son is in the ICU on breathing tubes,
He has atracheotomy in his throat.

Nurses needed papers signed to start treatmenton my son.
I had no idea what any of the procedures were.
I told thenurse to let my mom make the decision.
The nurse said, "No, you're the motherof this baby,
Your signature needs to be on these papers."

How scarythat sounded.
For the first time I realized I was now a mother.
All Icould do was ask God to let this be a dream.

This wasn't supposed to behappening.
My son was supposed to be born perfect.
I was going to go backto school.
My boyfriend and I were going to go to Rocky Point
for Labor Dayweekend.

Not anymore.
C-section scars and stretch marks
Make ithard to wear a bikini.
Sometimes I wonder if all mothers feel life isover.

The phone rings. "Is Mrs. Canez in?"
I say, "No, my mom is atwork."

My mom comes home and returns the call.
"Babe, the call was foryou. It's Fabian's doctor,
he needs permission to operate."
No, no,please, I can't make that decision on my own.
Last year I didn't even knowwhat to wear to the prom.
Please, please I'm too young to be amom!

When I left that hospital I left my carefree days
And my youthbehind.

But Fabian is beautiful.
I love him very much!

I knowwe are both lucky to be alive today.
But life is so scary and lonely.
Iwant to be a good mom,
But I don't even know how to drive!
The onlyquestions I have now are ...
When will my baby come home?
When can I holdhim?
I suffered so much,
I lost my youth and innocence all in one year.
Please let me hold my baby boy so
I can feel like the mother everyonekeeps calling me.