Growing up with a family of four children, I could never say I had nothing to do. I never had to worry about not having anyone to play with, talk to, or to bother. Sometimes I might have to worry about my favorite snack being eaten or my most prized possession being stolen while I wasn’t looking, but I could always find fun, especially with my older brother John. When he died, a part of me died too. There is not a day I do not think about or miss him.
John had an affect on me that I couldn’t explain. Even though there was a five-year age difference, we got along the best out of everyone. This most likely was because I was the first to make him a big brother. My parents always told me, he couldn’t wait until he had a younger sibling. Most would probably think, because of the age difference that I would have pestered and annoyed him, but I didn’t. If I did, he always made a great effort to conceal his frustrations from me. Whenever I needed to talk about the boy in the 1st grade class across the hall from mine and how cute he was or anything not of much importance, I could always count on John to be there. We were one of the most important people in each other’s lives.
When it came to me, John made sure I always was well taken care of. The feeling was mutual, because I would do anything for my brother also. We always could tell what each other was thinking. John and I just had this type of rhythm with each other. If it was something that he needed and I could get it, it was his and always vice versa. I remember one day, I was riding my bike and the tire went flat, John was in the house sleep but when I told him I needed his help, he came to save the day.
We were like Bonnie and Clyde because John and I stayed getting into things we weren’t allowed to. Since he was older, he knew where all the “good stuff” was. Every Christmas he would show me where some of our presents were. He always could go right to them, and I never understood how he knew. I practically lived in his shadow, where he went I was sure to be close. If something happened, John and Ashley were the ones to blame. Whether it was stealing cookies before dinner or bothering the younger kids, it was us for the blame. We rarely got in trouble without one another but if we did, the other one was sure to bail the other one out. The worst punishment our parents could give was to break us up and make us go to our separate rooms.
One thing he didn’t play about was school. School was very important to him. He made sure that I always done what I was supposed to when it came to schoolwork. He always told me to do my best. He always told me “Sometimes I know I am not the best in school Ashley, but this time don’t be like me, be better than me.” I would always reply back “Ok John-John I will try my best, I promise.” I admired him so much; I always wanted to make him proud, so I always tried my hardest.
Over the years, are closeness never lessened. No matter if the problem changed to a boy in my 9th grade Geometry Class that I had the biggest crush on, John still was always there. John was like my personal super hero, always there when I needed him, no matter the circumstances. If John couldn’t be there for a really legit reason, he made sure there was someone else reliable in his place. Once I went to the movies and I didn’t have a way home. I called John as usual. He was helping our dad with something important and it was impossible for him to leave. So instead of leaving me stranded he called his best friend to come get me. Up until the very night I lost him, I could always count on him to come to my rescue.
When I lost him to a motorcycle accident, that day, it seemed like my world came crashing down around me. I didn’t want to live anymore; I couldn’t live anymore without my other half. But I realized John would have wanted me to live on and do my best an anything I tried. For a while, my grades slipped and my social relationships kind of died down but I eventually got back into motion and started living how I knew John would want me to. I really try hard to do everything for his approval even though I know he is not physically here, he is still in my heart and in my mind. I will continue to do my best and try to make everything the best possible experience for me. Bad things happen, but as John would say “make it positive somehow.”