I’ve been trying to write this article for days now. I’ve been thinking about it for weeks. I just couldn’t figure out what the point was. Was it actually going to help anyone? I doubted it. 

Then, I decided that I’d write non-stop. Screw having a clear purpose, I wasn’t in class…

I never realised how much the truth could scare you. Cliché, I know, but sometimes you stumble upon something new and it hits you. I read an article called ‘50 Reasons To Live’ a few days ago. I was glad I did - I needed that. Then I realised how much I needed it, and it scared me. I’d never considered suicide, but clearly I was running out of reasons to live with myself. 

I had already come to terms with the fact that I missed the past. I missed the me who would talk to anyone, try anything. I missed me before the anxiety. Before I was worried about screwing up and started escaping to my own world. 

I lay down for what felt like hours once, remembering. Remembering the walks me, my sister, cousin and Nani would take down the river. How we’d dance to ‘Gummy Bear’. I remembered how me and my family would play football before Maghrib during Ramadan. How we’d watch rubbish shows every night for a laugh.

I remembered everything I could, the good and the bad. Up until a certain point, everything was pretty good. Even when it wasn’t, the bad was only bad because I’d over thought it afterwards. 

I thought about what had changed. I’d become less confident. In Year 3 there was this talent show. I’d over thought it after and was suddenly afraid of what other people had thought. I’d gone from wanting every lead role to having a panic attack over people judging my every move. 

Year 4, me and my best friend ‘broke up’. I made new friends, who I actually think were better for me. It made me wonder if I was the problem though. I was always happy around my family, because I knew they were stuck with me. COVID hit in year 6 and me and my closest friends fell out of touch.

I think year 6 was the worst of it. All my negative thoughts suddenly had plenty of time to manifest. Manifest into loneliness and self-loathing and anxiety. Then school re-started.

High school isn’t what it is in Hollywood. Not for me, anyway. 3 years in and I’m only just realising my friends aren’t good for me. I’ve been avoiding them all summer, and not just because all they do is watch TikToks I don’t care about. They  back bite, and I’m afraid of what they’d say about me if I left. If they’d notice, that is - I barely talk to them. They barely know me. I started saying no to one of them, which is a big thing for me. She argues, but I’m over it. I have a mind of my own. We have our moments though, and I can’t decide if the pros outweigh the cons.

I’m afraid of making the wrong choice. 

I lied at the start. I said I’d write non-stop, but I did actually stop for a bit. I stopped to make a list of things that I wanted to do to feel like me again. I can’t guarantee it works, but here it is: 

13 Ways to Feel Like Me Again 

1. Get back in touch with more old friends. If it doesn’t work out, that sucks, but don’t get stuck on it. 

2. Stop missing who I was and start becoming who I want to be. Focus on what I am doing to get where I want to be. Stop escaping to my own world and pay attention to this one. 

3. Stop waiting for a new friend, or someone to inspire me before I start my life up - and tell myself that until I listen. Some things you can’t control. 

4. Make a vision board. Stupid as it sounds, it’s something to aim for. 

5. Don’t care if my vision board changes, because I will, so why wouldn’t it?

6. If I find something enjoy, keep at it until I get to where I want to be with it. I can learn new things without committing my life to them.

7. Do what I want to do - what makes me happy. What do I want to be when I’m older? Happy. 

8. Care about not hurting people but don’t fear their reaction - talk more. 

9. Lonely doesn’t mean alone - spend as much time as possible with my family, but also spend some time alone everyday. 

10. Go places I love, that make me feel better more often. 

11. Stop procrastinating - don’t put things off (including homework 🙁).

12. Get over my stage fright - preferably before my Year 10 GCSE speech 

13. Turn over a new leaf - stop being afraid of change. Cliché, I know, but still. 

When Spiderman: No Way Home first came out, I realised I’d been living by something MJ says - ‘Expect disappointment and you never will be’. She was right, but it’s a depressing way to live. I have a new favourite quote now:

‘DON’T GIVE UP ON YOU’ - Brent Morgan (Gonna Be Okay)