I was Daddy’s little girl in the past when he used to beat and rape my mom as I watched. When he used to spoil me in the past, and would do anything just to watch me laugh. He would feed me our last scraps, and bring me all the puppies, kitties and birds I could ever want. But mom always said they “ran away” or “the bad people took them away”. When I found died birdy in the cage I was heartbroken, and didn’t want mom to take him away. I hid the birdy away and would always come to say hi.

Daddy would always play with me but mom never liked to play. She tried to play with me a couple times but something always got in the way. She tried to watch television with me but daddy picked her up as she kicked and screamed and he took her away. Then mommy and daddy both tried to play with me, I remember how thrilled I was. But then something happened and mommy and daddy had to rush me to the hospital.

I remember the night me and mommy tried to escape from daddy. Daddy chased and chased and mommy almost ran over him. Then we went to mommy’s job and some guy came out to talk to me, but I didn’t like him so I hid behind mom. Then we went to grandpa’s house were we moved. Daddy would come to visit us there sometimes but mom used to lock herself somewhere and dad would be angry and spill water on our computers and break everything. Cops would show up and he would leave before they’d show. I didn’t like cops very much; they would always ask me questions.

We would sometimes go to the police precinct but we had to be very careful. We would hide on the car floor for a while. I didn’t know why, maybe daddy was looking for us. One day the guy from mommy’s job picked us up and took us to his house where we stayed. I didn’t want him and mom sleeping next to each other because I didn’t want him touching her. Mom didn’t let me sleep between them so I tried to stay away and keep watch.

I didn’t like him very much but I guess mom did because we ended up moving in with him. I didn’t like being there so I would go with daddy all the time. Daddy lived with grandma and grandpa, I miss them. He was so depressed he’d just laid in bed all day and tell me how much he’s hurting. I would lay in bed with him and would make him laugh.

Dad and grandpa would teach me to fight and be strong. Everyone used to say how strong I was for a little girl, that would make me so happy. I wanted to be just like my dad because everyone respected him, he was strong, fearless, smart, and creative. I didn’t want to be like my mom, weak. Deep down I wished to be a boy so that I could be strong, fearless, smart, creative, have things my way, have people respect me, have people fear me, and be the one controlling everything. But I knew I was a girl; I was some day meant to be weak, stupid, following orders, to be worthless, and to be raped.

When daddy started getting up from bed he started drinking, a lot. I always tried to hide his drinks but he always made me bring it to him. 1 drink turned in to 5 and 5 would became the whole case and then he opened a new case. He started having many girlfriends. We would go to a couple different girls houses each day, I didn’t mind much though. I just had to make sure he didn’t hurt them because I didn’t want them calling the cops.

Mom ended up marrying the guy from her job and when I was 10, dad ended up meeting a girl who he ended up liking for real this time. Dad started to like her and her kids more than me so he stopped coming around as much to see me. I was stuck with mom and her husband whom I hated and I thought he hated me too. He would get mad easily and call me names like stupid, worthless, and annoying. He would get mad when I would play because he didn’t like me moving too much or making noise. Mom would leave him to watch me a lot. When she left he would say I did something bad and lock me in my room. I would sit there bored and sometimes would lock myself in closet to cry. When mom came he said I could come out, I never told mom that though because I was scared that she might get mad at me too. I would be alone a lot of times also, I hated that too. I would sit in front of the window and watch as the kids played outside.

My dad ended up marring the girl he met, the longer he was with her the less I saw him. She didn’t like me very much either. She would tell my dad I broke something when I didn’t and her sons would say I pushed them down stairs and that I made fun of them. They would tease me about how my dad spoiled them now. They would talk bad about me and my mom to their family.

Now my dad moved with his wife far far away so I never get to see him or rarely talk to him. My mom is still married to the same guy and has kids with him. I try to forget everything but I still struggle to.