I’ve been cursed with the memory of an elephant. I remember things I shouldn’t. I should have been too young to really remember these things…in detail. The memory of an elephant…

I’ve been to at least 7 shrinks in my life. When I was younger, my dad sent me to them…after my parents got divorced. Plus there was the afterschool program I was in, disguised to look like a fun activity afternoon when it really was an activity afternoon with lessons about morals…like I’d become what he thought was my mother. Then there was the friendship program…Big Brothers and Big Sisters. I just recently found out that my big sister was a shrink as well. He put me in that so I would have a “womanly figure to look up to.”
And yet…after all this…I can’t think of where to start…

I never felt I had a problem. I was a kid. Sure, my parents just got a divorce and me, being as close to my Mum as I was and am, it devastated me to know that I may not see her for a while.

I remember the day she was moving out of our apartment in Warner. My brothers and I didn’t think anything of it. Why would we? Me being the oldest, and I was only 7 at the time. We thought she was going on a trip or something, like she had before.

“To Florida.” She used to go to Florida a bit…once or twice from what I remember. I remember one time she was going to “Florida” and I asked her to take me with her. She told me that she couldn’t because she didn’t have the money this time, but we would go to Florida someday and she would bring me something cool. When she told me that, she meant real Florida. Not the fake one. The fake one was jail…I remember her coming back from “Florida” the last time. Maybe lasted 2-3 weeks…She brought me a Malibu Barbie. I loved that Barbie…
Back to the day she left. My brothers and I were in her car, messing around and playing like kids do. I don’t remember exactly what happened next, but I do remember my youngest brother had swallowed some of my Mum’s pills. He had somehow opened up the bottle and popped some. He was only 2 years old. I don’t remember how my parents found out or how we got in the house, I just remember my dad yelling at my Mum, my Mum yelling and crying, bringing him to the bathroom, trying to make him puke it out. He couldn’t.

I remember hearing the sirens. Not the first time I heard those. My Mum was arrested once in a grocery store. Forgot the tomatoes that were on the bottom of the cart. I don’t remember going to the police station, but I do remember being there and the police were questioning us…I guess as much as he could to a 6 and 3 year old. I was scared. I wanted to see my Mum. I asked time and time again, but they wouldn't let me…

Back to the day she left. I remember being in the car on our way to the hospital. I was scared. I didn’t know what was going on. I remember being at the hospital…seeing my little 2 year old brother puking black…they gave him this stuff to f*** up his stomach so he’d puke. I remember my grandparents being there. My grandfather holding my other brother’s hand and my grandmother holding my shoulders as my mother approached to say goodbye. I remember her saying she loved me and I’d see her soon…The last I saw of her was her walking to the helicopter, lifting my brother into the sky to go to Dartmouth to get better. I don’t remember how long it was until I saw her again. Maybe a year. I don’t remember. There’s going back to that “elephant-like memory…”