As I looked at you laughing I couldn't even put what I felt into words. It was so beautiful and whatever it was I felt it so deeply; so hard.  It scared the s*** out of me honestly. I know I've been so quiet and low key these past  days but I can’t help it. As much as I love being with you there is always fear that scratches up my spine. My insides burn with words I just can’t put together that I want to say to you. And it seems like when I can I’ll go to say it the words can’t roll off my tongue. I’m speechless. Sometimes I sit and wonder for hours what my life would be like right now if I never met you.  I tried so hard to not let you in but you really broke down my walls. I love you a lot but sometimes I wish I would of fought a little harder to keep you out. Not because I don’t want you around because I want you around more than anything. I miss you every time you leave. But because you have the untouchable privilege to break my heart. I don’t know how to feel about that. My feelings go all over the place when you’re around. Anxious because I feel like nothing I could ever do would be good enough for you nothing will meet the standards you have for people even though I try immensely hard. Sad because I feel like you are wasting your time on me because I’ll never amount to anything but a reject who can confide in nothing but pen and paper. Happy because I know you have a million other place to be but instead you’re next to me.Happy because when you smile at me I stop drawing a blank . Happy because I’m with the only person who has been able motivate me to do anything besides not get out of bed for days at a time. Everything I feel will forever be precious sincerity because when I feel something I feel it raw down to my bone marrow. That is really the only way to explain it.