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Saturday January 17, 2009
Hey, I'm Madison L. I've never had a diary, so I'm going to try this out.
This year so far has been eventful.
On January 1st, 2009, at midnight I broke up with my boyfriend Larry
On January 1st, 2009, I told my crush I was in love with him, Brendan
I gained friendship with to guys from Texas, Patrick and Jamie
I made a whole new best friend, Tiffany
Yea those are the four things I can remember, lmbo (Laugh my butt off)!
I think in going to add some details to my list, when I told Brendan that I liked him we became closer, but yet farther apart. Closer because he knew the most important detail in my life, and he stayed up with me until the wee hours of morning. We strayed away from talk of his girlfriend which because of him going out with her we have basically become enemies, before we were good friends. When ever I talk about Sammy I get tears in my eyes knowing that Brendan and Sammy love each other and Brendan and I will never lastïŒ. Even though I know we can never be, I still cry over him every night. I love him, it's like in Twilight, Jacob and the werewolves go through imprinting, which is where the find they're true love. Built for them and them only. I have been imprinted, but never to be with the one I am meant to be with. I am Bella, Brendan is Edward, I love him.
The Jacob in my life is Kyle, the one whom I love, but only as a best friend nothing more.
Then, my mortal best friend, Tiffany. Who in which is Angela. The one whom I love cherish and would never do anything to hurt her. To then shall I have my dream life only in my dreams where Brendan and I live in peace, love, and happiness. To thy shall I dream of my true love, my true world, and my true life. Till then I may see it only in the night where my head come alive with happiness, only to wake to a world of despair, and loneliness. To my love, Brendan, with all my heart. May you be happy with Sammy. I will no longer bring you sadness, only to myself I will bring.
Sunday, January 18, 2009, early morning
Hey it's me again, it's around midnight, and I am talking to my love, Brendan. I am so happy, I know now that I shall not cry tonight because I get to hear his silky voice talk to me so sweetly, as if honey. He makes me smile at any word, or even sound. I kill to see the defenselessness in his face as he sleeps, but that is neither coming soon or in the future. To my dismay, I will still be left in the dark. Cold, wet, and alone. He on the other hand, is in paradise. Living a wonderful life, again leaving me. In the future he will forget me, as well as the others he has grown close to. Me the most forgotten, in his memories I rot and decay. As I speak to him I can't find the words to say. He speaks, I listen, I sometimes forget to breathe, I have to pull myself back into reality. Even though I live in reality, I'm always in a dream. As time approaches to sleep, his voice is echoing in my head. After every word, it repeats over, and over. I wait until daylight comes, counting the minutes, days, and hours until I get to see my love once more. As in now, it is two days until his beauty shines upon me. Two days until I get to see his smile. His blue eyes, like the ocean blue. As I stare into them, his life sheds onto me, I see his pain, laughter, and fear. I wish to see happiness in him everyday, as if he wishes the same for me. As I wish, it is never granted, every star I see I always wish, but yet has my wish come true. Dear diary as I leave you now to sleep, and speak to my love.
Sunday, January 18, 2009, beginning of my day
As I awake, I talk to my Angela, Tiffany. She brings happiness, laughter. When my love brings me sadness, she brings me joy. When I cry she comforts me, only knowing that it will come once more in the next night. I wish my love could see me crying, knowing that I love him. For than shall he see the love, and compassion in my eyes. Shall thy see through the sadness, pain, and despair. Only to find love, happiness, and laughter. I listen to the band whom I wish to sound like in the future, Paramore. I prepare for what is to come tonight. I must restrain myself from crying, knowing that if I do shame will come against me. I shall leave you now, to get ready.
Sunday, January 18, 2009, Afternoon
I am ready to face tonight. I shall be aware of my condition, no crying or sadness. My friends shall not comfort me. Only one person could help. My love, Brendan. But I now have the ability to not cry, just by thinking of his beautiful face, his eyes, and his smile. But then, his love Sammy comes into the picture. Again bringing me depression. I hope thy shall never hear a word of this. Neither my mother, nor father shall ever hear a word of this. If so, death may be brought across me. Also, embarrassment, shame, and grief. I am talk to my Jacob, Kyle. He makes me feel as if I am really loved. Knowing that true love will never find me. Along my short entries so far, I realized that I write as if I'm a poet, an eighteenth century novel writer. I express my writing styles, knowing that if I use them in our period of time. I would be shamed upon.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Thus I lied to you my dear diary. I cried last night. I was lying on the cold floor. Thinking. Then my thoughts got deep, and I cried. My eyes have been opened to a new world, just by listening to a simple song. As I listen, I cry once more. I still don't know why I do. It just happens when I think of my love. I am back almost eight hours after earlier. I have made a declaration to not speak to Brendan. By doing this I may not feel pain. But as I cry, my love for him grows. Even as I am ignoring his beauty, I love him more everyday. As I sigh in relief that this day is almost over. I shall see my Edward in hours. I try to prepare for the day to come, but as my duties come before me I loose time. But as I loose time to prepare, the time approaches to happiness. But shall thy hide her love as if to be a weapon? I have to love him in secrecy, as I promised my Tiffany that I would relive my pain by acting, as if forgetting my once love. Oh Tiffany, my Angela. 'Why am I in love with him?' I ask her that exact question many times. Every time she answers, 'Maddi my love, I have no clue why you see love in his eyes.' Then I go to my faithful Jacob, Kyle. I ask, 'Why must I love the one who does not love me?' He replies to me, 'I have no clue. All I know is that you will get hurt. You know I will always love you, and if you ever need a shoulder to cry on. Thus I shall be there anytime you need my love.' Many answers I have gotten from many people, but the answer that means the most to me is the one made from my true love. 'You shall love me,' he answers 'but thy may never love the as you love me, till then shall you be the love of heart, my best friend'. I cry at those words. I am a 'best friend'. Nobody important. Just a friend nothing more. Here, I am crying. Nobody shall see my tears over him. Only the ones who truly love me will see through my smiles and laughter, only a trick to the mind. I am always sad, so shall you love me enough dear diary, you can see through the happiness. I am leaving to my
slumber, and waiting to see my love.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Hello! I am cheating on my not talking to Brendan. I have to. You shall not tell tiffany.
Hola! I am back, once more. I am talking my Jasper, Patrick. He makes me laugh, and he helps me with my many problems.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
I am so sorry I didn't write yesterday. Too many things to be done. But I have wonderful news to tell. First, I started cheerleading today, and oddly enough, Gabbi went there to. And second the most surprising news today, Patrick said that he loved me. But not just love, he was 'in' love with me. Can you believe it, my Jasper, Patrick? My best friends' ex-boyfriend. I am in shock, Tiffany I am the most worried about. Her once love, is in love with me. I only care how she feels. Patrick on the other hand shocked me. I thought I never would hear those words from his mouth. Now that he has told me, new feelings are popping up. I am way confused. I am' I don't even have words for how I feel anymore. It's like I have never heard the words 'I love you' before. Like a whole new world has been shed upon my eyes. It's like reading Twilight over again. Only I'm living it. No wait it's more like new moon. And this time, instead of Kyle being Jacob. Patrick is the one whom I secretly love. Oh my Edward. Hear my cry and save me from my difficulties. I need help, I need guidance. Where is Esme in my world, she could help me through pain like this. With her kind words, and gentle thoughts. But I must leave you now.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
I don't know why but I did not write to you my dear diary. I always forget. Ad I am loosing my essence to love and dream. As I am re-reading my entries, I have realized over the week I have been writing. I have had many depressing times, but I also have had a great thing happen to me. I found out, someone was truly in love with me. Not just love, 'in' love. Again, it is like I have never heard I love you before. Every time I talk to him my heart speeds up, accelerating, faster until I can't take it. I had a dream last night. I was running, looking for my love. At the end of the path, Patrick and Brendan stand there. Waiting for the one whom I choose. I choose Patrick. I have no clue either. I have always thought of Brendan as the one whom I love, the one I will forever be with. But in this case, I shall be with Patrick, my new Jacob. Or is he still Jasper. No, not Jacob. Kyle is angry at me; he says he shall not love me anymore. I sit hopefully that he will be mine again. My Jacob. But I do not see him in my future. Why must Paramore be right? One song says 'that's what you get when you let your heart win.' They are right. I let men play with my heart and now hundreds of holes have been put in. Hello, I have had an interesting day. I actually spent the whole day with D. It was weird, but entertaining. But I had fun. Patrick and I are fine, but I still like him. Maddi
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Patrick hasn't talked to me yet today. I feel ignored. YAY!! He called me! I feel whole once more. He is acting strange, he is with Tyler. They are so crazy. But alas, he had to go. But at least I have you, my best friend. Whom I can tell anything and you will never say a word. Shall you please never tell. Let no one here my cry. Even though I wish for someone to hear, this must be kept here. Only here.
Sunday, January 25, 2009, 11:00p.m
I think I am absolutely and utterly in love with Patrick. More than Brendan, and more then Kyle. I think he is the one, my true Edward. But what will happen to Tiffany. I sound selfish, but I don't care. I love Patrick. I am admitting it! He is the one for me! But I shall not destroy my best friend. She has gone thru enough pain. I am writing because I am way to excited to sleep. I found the guy I love, he makes me heart accelerate, makes butterflies in my stomach, makes me blush. I love him more than I have loved Brendan. I shall re-write my story'
I am Bella, Patrick is Edward. Shall thy not read to Brendan? Because if she shall. He may get sad to know that someone else has replaced his beauty. I love Patrick because of him, not his beauty. Surprisingly enough, I have never met my new Edward. I love him through the long distance we live in. He fell in love with me because of me, not my face. But at my despair, as soon as he sees me, he will no longer love me. I truly believe that I am the ugliest human being on this planet. I don't know why he loves me. I am considered hideous at my school. I guess there is a soul mate for me. But we shall not be together, to my disappointment, because of the distance we live. If only I could go to his school. I would be so happy, I would see my love every day. No worries. But the world does not work like that. Only in my dreams. I have found my Edward. I now pronounce Tiffany as my Alice, Brendan as my Jacob, and Kyle as my Matt. I am sorry Brendan, you have been replaced. But I am leaving you diary so I can dream happy dreams of me and my new Edward.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
I am sorry I haven't written in a while, my life has been full of activites. I have started cheerleading! Its amazing, but now I am having the time of my life with my best friends, Riley , and Lizzi. They are making me laugh. Something that Tiffany has not done in while. They are my vampires. They love me. I love them back. As they read you my love, they become happy, hoping that I will send you off'make you famous. I'm still deciding if I shall. It's a great idea, people knowing my view on life. But I still wnder what would happen. Would I become Stephenie Meyer? A best selling autor? Or will I not become famous like my dream? But I will ponder on these questions tonight as I sleep. Maddi
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