I walk up the rough concrete steps to the rustic scratchy barn doors. Normally, the familiar site would trigger a sense of security, make me feel safe; yet all I feel is a gut wrenching anxiousness. The click and clack of my heels against the gravel continues as I march slowly through the doors savoring every moment of the subtle breeze and soft swirling sounds. It feels the same, even after all the time that has passed. I hear the familiar voices of the stablehands conversing. Soft bristles are being combed up and down, water sprays onto the grass in the bright sun, metal swings and bumps into one another, as I walk through the open hallway. A neigh escapes from the corner, my head following in response to meet the one who made the sound. I see brown eyes of my best friend staring back at me as I step over to stroke his muzzle.

“Hey Apachie,” exits my lips as they form a small smile. “How are you doing? It’s been awhile, hasn’t it?”.
I hear a small scuff in response, feeling a small nudge of my hand with his nose, the tips of his mane falling into his eyes. I push the soft hairs back, picking up a brush from the outside of his stall. Slowly I comb his coat while take extra care of the tufts still shedding off his winter coat. Stroke after stroke, brush after brush, I fall back into the same old rhythm as if nothing had ever happened. I begin to run my fingers through his beautiful light-colored mane, throwing in a few braids as I do so. With his coat shiny and brushed, his mane combed and braided, I exit the stall taking care to clip the lock behind me. Turning around for a second I pull a small nibble of apple out of my bag taking the time to let him snack from my hand. From here I start off once again down the long hallway, only the clicks and clacks of my heels filling the space.

I come out of the row of stalls feeling the sunlight on my face. I wave to the stable hands sitting on the fence while watching the horses nibbling on the green vegetation. I turn to see the massive indoor arena standing before me. I slowly walk over taking in the setting as my stomach turns and tumbles.   The memories creep up inside me and I want to do is block it out, to pretend it never happened. Stepping forward, in front of the barn doors, I gaze into the empty arena. My muscles tense up; I know I can no longer avoid the hurt as I’m hit by the memory all over again.
******
The sun just peeked over the side of the barn, a twinge of yellow lighting up the heavy, dark, empty, sky. Under all my layers I still felt the heavy winds, a layer of snow gathered below my feet. Right as I entered, I knew nothing would be able to hold me back. With my number “143” tied around my polo shirt I jogged through the small arena, waving to the trainers lunging their horses as I did so. Surrounded in the comfort of the stables, my lucky helmet and gloves by my side, I took in everything around me, every detail, every smile, every face, every thought. I was nothing but ready for this day, nothing but ready for success.

Spotting my trainer by the course-board, I sped up slightly a wide smile appearing on my face. She turned around and we gave each other a quick a hug; she saw it in my eyes, I was ready. As I ran my finger down the spreadsheets posted on the humongous cork board I found my name in each category followed by a horse. My entire face lit up as I saw his name on the board, my number one choice, my partner in crime, I was going to spend this day with him. I left everything else behind as I sprinted to his stall. His mane newly brushed, saddle polished and ready, I looked into his eyes reminiscing all of the times we had flown together before, all of times we had conquered the arena together.

“Hi Apachie,” I sighed as I placed my hand on his cheek, right under the halter. “You’ve missed me haven’t you?” I continued as I felt him brush up against my hand. “Now let’s go out there and do what we have always done.” I smiled releasing one final breath of nervousness, no longer worried with my long-term partner beside me.
Quickly, I tacked him up tightening the saddle and bridle. I fixed my gloves and helmet then grabbing the reins; I led him out of his stall towards the larger of the two outdoor arena. Once we sorted out the plan for the rest of the morning, I hand off the reins to her; younger riders would be taking over until the more advanced courses later in the day. When I flew, soaring above the poles below me, there was no other soul I trusted more than Apachie. In a sport like this, I knew how important it was to have relationship made of titanium, a relationship like ours. I trusted my life with him as I rode. I trusted him with everything I had.

The beginner events passed by unexpectedly fast, a smile stubbornly stuck on my face as I watched the other divisions. Even in the frosty morning chill everyone warmed up speedily performing at their bests. Apachie was soon dismounted by the beginner and my trainer took the reins. As I finished my own short warm-up, one of the handlers approached me.

“Hello, you’re rider 143 Val Vargas, correct?”. With a quick nod of my head she continued, “Well, seeing as Apachie just complete quite a few events I was wondering if it was okay if he could rest for bit? Afterall we don’t want to wear him out, especially on a day like today.”

Reluctantly I responded, “That’s fine. Who will I be riding then?”

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll let you know when they finish tacking him up.”

Despite the newfound churning of my stomach I kept a bright smile on my face. It wasn’t long before I saw a large horse come my way; his brown coat shined, but not like that of Apachie's. My trainer handed off the foreign reins to me giving us a hurried introduction. I looked into his eyes as I thought about all the information I had been given. My stomach flipped again, relentless to the security my trainer attempted to provide. He was supposed to be one of the best, a well trained show horse who I wouldn’t even have to guide around the ring. However, nothing could numb the swirling that continued in my gut. “Don’t worry, we can just trot these polls, I know it’s difficult with a new one,” my trainer stated as she sensed the jitters radiating off of me.

I mounted and the butterflies faded as I made contact with the leather of the saddle. It was unfamiliar as I tried to adapt to the new seat. Walking around a little I felt of the way he moved, the way he swayed, the way he listened. Regardless, I prepared to enter the arena, unaccustomed with this foreigner. One by one, a duo trotted into the arena going over each set of poles following the course of the piles. I prepared to enter taking deep breaths as I approached closer and closer to the entrance of the doors. I slipped through once the arena emptied thinking of everything I had last drilled in the barn just next door.

Cautiously, I circled around making sure to spot the corners keeping my head up as I did so. I tapped my heels on his barrel, prepping the reins for the gate we were about to enter. Trotting over the first pole pile a small sigh of relief barely escaped my lips as my confidence rose ever so slightly as I continued to work with the stranger I was mounted upon. ‘This is going to work. We are going to be okay, maybe even place,’ I thought.

Reaching the second set of obstacles before us I performed a half-halt as I felt him speeding up underneath me. Regardless however, I felt my whole body lurch forward slightly, the reins loosening as I fidgeted trying to get him under control. In a full canter, he took a stride over the second pile soon traveling to the opposite corner of the arena. Now along the wall, I started to panic trying to regain control of the beast I was attached to. My heart beat so fast it appeared non existent, my body so startled, it froze. I saw my trainer from across the building wavering her arms and shouting to get him to stop. The owner of the stables flinched a little as I made a split-second of direct eye contact. My mother looked away not able to withstand watching me lose control. The audience was startled as he kept going and going.

Almost galloping now, I managed to stop the tears threatening to flood my eyes. I calmed deepening my seat and pulling with everything I had. “Ho!” I shouted, hoping that he would stop, that he would let me go free. Let me go unharmed. Even my most rational actions weren’t stopping the creature that was suppose to be my other half of my team. Nothing was working, nothing would have released me the prison I was trapped in. Turning the corner of the arena, I let go letting my body relax as I had given up in my own mind, I had accepted this fate.

The next thing I comprehended was the motion of flying backwards. I was flying, a feeling I had treasured, enjoyed, savored; this on the other hand, had been the exact opposite. Time was slowed, everything in the seconds before had felt like hours. I felt everything, including the repercussion I would face next.
The impact of my weight fell all onto one spot of my body. I felt a shiver rise from the very bottom of my tailbone. It rose as the force dispersed up my spine, through my back and into my neck. The pain shot through every vertebrae, everyone nerve from very bottom to the very top. It lasted maybe on a second, but felt as if it lasted hours. I wanted to yelp out in pain, but I was stuck. I was frozen as the sensation that had passed through my body moments before faded. A small tingle still remained, a tingle that couldn’t hold me back from the emotional spark that had been set off. I fell apart. In a place that was my safe haven, I had gotten hurt. In my second home surrounded by those who felt like family, I had been hurt. Where I was suppose to be the safest, I was in pain. Tears flooded down my face, my cheeks flushed from the anger, the fear, the embarrassment. I was able to rise from the ground sprinting to my mom that was huddled in the corner. Seeing the look on her face was too much to bear as I hid in the safety of her arms. In effort to release the stiffness, to convince myself it was over I stated the same two things over and over in my head. “I was safe now. I was ok.”
******
My muscles relax as I come back down to reality. The memory slowly dissolves, nothing left behind but a slight shiver refusing to leave my spine. Turning away from the building, my feet lead me to the barn neighboring the area. I see the stalls lined up along the side, the stable hands placing fresh hay in each one. A musky scent fills the air encasing my figure. I enter the tack room quickly passing through before seeing my trainer in the adjoined small indoor arena. Seeing her, a smile appears that seems to almost be too large for my own face. I run in for a hug embracing her comforting stature. We converse for what feels like the first time in centuries. As we pull away, I hop onto one of the nearby fences, staring at the stables in front of me. After all of these months, in this moment I remember everything I have here.

This place is where the entire world melts away. I love everything about it from the people that surround me to the entirety of its atmosphere. My best friend is here, my second family is here, my home is here. Everything about it stirs something inside of me.

Here, I fly here. I soar above the ground, the poles, the jumps, the people. I put my life in the hands of my best friend.

Here, I clear my mind. I keep my head in the clouds. I accomplish what I could never do alone. I do what I have come to know best.

Here, I am part of an unbreakable team.

Now, I am ready to fly again.