Do you have a secret? That one big secret that if everyone finds out would change everything for you? Well, I do.

It is something I discovered only recently. The suspicion was slinking at the back of my mind until all my anxieties and confusions culminated into that one moment of enlightenment. It wasn't a startling realization, but it caused a subtle shift that would change my life. I remember the day like it was yesterday- a Monday afternoon three months ago, with my best friend sitting right next to me- mainly because of the importance of the realization I had and mostly because of how differently I feel about myself now as compared to that day.

I realized I was bisexual, but not the implications that being a part of that community entailed. Homosexuality used to be one of those topics my feelings about which were guided by trite adages spouted by progressives and liberals. To me, it was simple as loving whoever I wanted to love; but that was only until I uncovered the cultural baggage surrounding the topic, baggage that burdens every single one of us. One part of the struggle is the burden that comes with the realization. You would think that you are the same person, but there is always that undercurrent of a feeling that something crucial has altered, the feeling that keeps you from telling anyone else because you’re afraid that something crucial will be altered in your external life as well. You don’t know, but you don’t want to take the risk.

The other aspect is coming out. The idea of having to come out to my family and friends has continually been appearing in my thoughts, which urged me to think about it- and having done so, I realized just how uncomfortable and fearsome it would be for me, and probably them as well, if I did. I always thought it was an ordeal, a rite of passage that nobody wants to go through, but it is, in fact, a privilege, especially in the case of parents. If I came out to my parents, I cannot imagine their reaction. Denial, disgust, fear and all the other things I don’t want to think about.

I guess happy endings are best left to movies. Reality is what we're left with- it is the Las Vegas shooting. It is the blatant discrimination and social ostracism. Practical and ideal are sometimes mutually exclusive. I guess we don't get to choose the latter.