Thursday, May 17th 2018 is a day I will never forget the ache in my stomach with my heart ripped out of my chest. It was around 1pm, I was in school in the warm sweet sounds of my closest friends recording their voices for their final. I was sitting there in the corner of the room waiting for my turn when the pit in my stomach got bigger and the darkness took over me that had consumed me many times before.

The rest of the day was a blur walking through the hallway to my bus, the bus leaving school, getting off the bus, getting the mail and unlocking the door all faded together in my head. Even though, I have done these things everyday since 8th grade something about today felt different. As I walked into my house I felt the cold rush through my body. The oddest questions of “Why are you home so early and How’d you get home?” from my own mother didn’t seem to trigger that something was truly going on. Until she said those three words that would trigger the faucettes known as my eyes on full blast.

At first I thought it was a sick prank because I had just seen him two days ago and he was the most alive I have seen him in months. He was moving his arms around into the embracing position around me that shows you he cares more than anyone in the world. I mean he winked at me to make me giggle and even though he had the little bit of a hole in his throat I heard him try to say those three words that mean the world to everyone. I remember the whole hour we spent together not wanting to let go. Sitting there on the couch next to my mother looking into those greenish ocean eyes I then knew it wasn’t a joke. I felt the pain in my chest arise and the sprinklers in my eyes start. I felt my breath being taken away for my lungs and my gasp was the only sound I could hear. I felt my mother’s embrace but I pushed her away as I felt the room closing in on me taking more of my breath away. 

I had known my Nanu (grand father) was in the hospital and had been for months. He shouldn’t never been in there that long anyway. But, he was and it wasn’t his fault it was theirs. They gave him medications his kidneys couldn’t handle the way they used to. Before he died he wasn’t himself. I had sat with him in each and every single one of those rooms waiting for him to wake up or move around notice I was there or something. My life from that very day had seemed the darkest of any days in my whole entire life. I couldn’t see anything out of the puffy watering pockets I called my eyes.

This is the day my life would change into a feeling I never thought could happen even more than it already was present...that emptiness from having the first person closest to me would be gone forever. Every question of “Would of or Could of” had came to my brain. I had never felt any emotions so intense ever. I will never forget about the man that showed his love in a unique way, the man that is the only one that could call me Rosie and get away with it, and the only man that could protect me from the monster he created that I had to deal with my whole life. I love you Nanu!