Two words, anxiety disorder. Anxiety sucks, it tends to ruin a lot of things. Like opportunities to meet new people, big events, even going out to spend time with people I’ve known for years. My anxiety has always gotten in the way of so many things for me.
My anxiety didn’t start getting bad until I started going to public school in fourth grade. Even then it wasn’t that bad, but from kindergarten to third grade I had gone to a small privateschool that had maybe 50 students in the whole school. So going from that to a school with over 500 kids was a huge change. I didn’t have trouble making friends when I was in private school, because everyone knew everyone. I eventually made friends but it was much harder. In fifth grade, the friends I had made in fourth grade all moved away. But I still managed to make new ones. And a few of those friends stayed with me until high school. But after that, I didn’t make any new friends on my own.

When I got into middle school, my anxiety really got worse. I couldn’t walk through the halls without having a tiny anxiety attack, there were even more kids than in elementary school -- twice as many to be more specific. People would constantly bump into me and I felt like I could barely breathe most of the time. In middle school, I learned that a lot of things I didn’t notice before could cause anxiety attacks. Loud noises, people touching me, and things randomly moving quickly. I learned to keep my head down and move as quickly and smoothly as I could. I’ve kept my head down as I walk since then until recently.

High school, by far is the worst. Not only has the anxiety from previous years followed me, but much more was to come my way. Freshman year wasn’t as bad as sophomore, but that was the year my anxiety started turning into depression. I would start having an anxiety attack, then I would start thinking about how pathetic it was that I was having one. I would think so low of myself that I felt trapped in my own mind. Sophomore year, was even worse. Every day I would tell myself how terrible and worthless I was. I would constantly tell myself that no one would ever like me, that I was just that creepy kid in the back of the class that no one wanted to be around. In that year, I had a crush on one of the girls in my theater production. We went on a date and I started feeling a little better about myself. But things between us ended, we were never actually dating, but it still broke me.

After that, both my anxiety and my depression were attacking me with full force. I hated myself for falling for her, I hated myself for letting myself get hurt, and I hated myself for believing that someone would actually see me and like what they saw. I can’t say that I was surprised, my mind would constantly tell me that it was too good to be true. I guess it was. I wanted to disappear from the world. I felt as though if I just disappeared, no one would notice or care. I was lost and everything was dark. I couldn’t call for help because my anxiety would choke me so I couldn’t get the words out. I’d try to do things to get people to notice my pain, but no one ever did. I felt so alone, despite the fact they’re were people all around me. I just couldn’t manage to reach out to them. I felt like just giving up and I swore I would never open myself to anyone ever again. I had told myself that before, but this time I was serious about it.

But one day near the end of the year, in the dark loneliness of my mind I saw a small
light. As I was being a depressing shell of who I was, this guy showed up out of nowhere. I felt
like I got hit with a bus full of emotions. He was sweet, kind, funny, and he was nice to me. He
was the first person in years to really put out an effort to talk to me without anyone making him. I don’t know what it was about him, but unlike with other people, my anxiety didn’t act up, not even once. In terms of my anxiety, it felt like I had known him for years. Even my closest friend I had at the time took a few years to really get used to. It just felt like I could trust him. That intrigued me. I was kind of scared to talk to him at first, because I was scared that I would start liking him and I would get my heart broken again. It had happened before and I didn’t think that my heart and mind could handle one more heartbreak.

But he kept putting out more and more effort to talk to me, and I just thought, “F*** it, if I get hurt, then it’ll be my fault”. I allowed myself to try to talk to him. After about a week, we started texting. And somehow, when I text people, I have a huge boost of confidence that I don’t have in person. Like I can hide behind my phone and I can really be me. Even though we barely knew each other for two weeks, I felt like I could say anything to him. If I said something stupid, he would just laugh and call me adorable. Every time I texted him, it felt like I could just forget my mental issues. With every text I sent, it just felt as though he was engaged in what I was saying. My anxiety was at ease and I finally felt like someone really cared about me. Of course, I knew that other people did too, but this just felt different, it felt more and I started feeling better about myself.

But even so, there was still that voice in the back of my head saying that I was just getting my hopes up and that he didn’t actually care about me. As time went on, and the more time I spent with him, the more I wanted to be alive. The more I felt like myself. I wasn’t afraid to be me around him, all of my flaws and everything. From the moment I met him, he has been by my side, there to comfort me during anxiety attacks, to help me through my occasional depressive episodes, and to lift my self confidence. He has shown me that I can love myself and who I am. And that I should never be ashamed of it. He’s helped me come out of my shell and he’s given me every bit of encouragement that I needed.

He helped me stay strong when I lost the people I loved, and helped me keep my spirits high. I still have anxiety and depression, but now I know that I have the power to overcome them, and no one else. He helped me see that, see that I am strong. I am a fighter, I will overcome, I am my own master, and I will not let this hell I call my mind keep me from doing the things I love, and being with the people I love. I just needed a little help to realize that. I could never thank him enough for everything he’s done for me. I love him so much and I just gotta tell him, “thank you baby for everything.”