Even after four months, I’m still caught up in a forbidden love that I was never meant to have. My parents broke me and T up, which tore my heart up again and again until the pieces were small enough to blow away in the wind. It drove us both deep into depression, and I won’t go into the details other than we had the same experience, though far apart. It was a terrible time.

Even now though, as I’m putting myself out there again and finding new people to care and to care about me, I find my heart still squeezes when I am reminded of him. A cozy little corner of the Library that was our place together, or under a huge old oak tree, hidden away in an unpopular part of the park. And worse of all, seeing him at the Bus loop every day, trying not to look at him so he’ll think I’m done caring. Done putting his emotions through hell by showing mine. 

I find it hard to look forward to my time with the new one. They are sweet, and funny, and they really seem to care. And they’re normal, no sad background like T and I both have. But sometimes, I get a deep guilt out of nowhere, like I’m cheating on T. And then I spiral uncontrollably, shutting everyone out. 

This is what a broken heart in a broken person is like, I guess. I was never whole before T, but while I was with him I felt like I was. And now without him, I’m forced to feel fractured like before, and now I know what I have to miss. 

Sometimes people say that I need help—and I totally do. But I don’t know how to ask for help with my anxiety and depression—T always knew what to do without me having to speak a single word. 

Love can be like a drug. It’s addictive and it hurts when you are taken away from it. I was so dependent on love that when I was taken off it, I lost my mind. It wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I could even go an hour without thinking about it.

Is this at all relateable to anyone out there? Has anyone else gotten their heart so broken, like I have, that you felt like a lost dog? I selfishly hope that someone, anyone can relate... otherwise I might really need help after all.