(Some Names Are Changed For Confidentiality)

Walking into the room felt like I was walking into a freezer. Cold as ice. The two on my right had straight faces, I could see no emotion, I tried to read what they were going to say, but for split second I believed their heads were hollow. Sitting down on the chair by the door, I crossed my legs and said nothing. I thought I was going to fly through the roof from all of the adrenaline, but I sat there silent. The woman closest to me on my right was Erin Karshen, I despise her. The other woman on my right, Anna Watson, she is just useless. I can not remember what either look like, blocking their faces out took as much effort as it does to open my eyes. The people on my left were my parents. Both were close to as anxious as I was. I barely remember the room, it was small, just enough space for five chairs and a small table in the center. I felt I was sitting there for countless hours but in reality I was only in that room for no longer than five minutes. Erin began to speak and all I remember was her first few sentences and the my head was between my knees. My Dad left instantly and my Mom began expressing her anger. My head pounding, suddenly my body felt like someone stabbed me and lit me on fire. Bawling my eyes out in front of two people I just met and my parents is not who I am. The room started moving in circles, I was not present, I could not breathe. Erin believes she owns the world and talked to my Mom as if we lived in a cardboard box. I pulled myself together enough to look Erin in the eyes.

“You are the reason he will do this again, do you think it is alright to have sex with whoever you want? I did not want this, but you are telling me this is all okay,” crying, shouting, and delusional all at once that is what came out of my mouth. We left and I was broken, we all were. I feel like after Erin stole my hope I was no longer present. 2/6/2019 was the second worst day of my life.

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I heard it for minutes, the beeping and ringing, I was shot into pieces. At some point I made the sound stop. I stumbled to the bathroom, the same way a toddler would when first learning to walk. My eyes red, my head off my body. That’s when I noticed my apparel. Well not mine exactly this is when I began sweating and my lungs stopped working. I was in the shower on the floor losing myself. Breathing was unimaginable, standing was not real, the water is what kept me alive. Just a few flashs erased me from the world. I was not a person and I did not become one again until recently. He cut me into pieces and shredded my personality, but I had to put the one million piece puzzle back together. I started by walking out of the bathroom. Hydn ran to me the moment I opened the door.

“Why was there a condom wrapper on my floor?” she questioned me as if I had a full answer.

“Do not tell anyone about this,” I whispered in fear. I barely knew what I was asking her to keep quiet.

I layed on the basement couch while Hydn got ready. She is tall and skinny, long brown hair, and tan skin. She got ready in the bathroom that I showered in. She looked presentable, she looked alive and I knew I looked like the walking dead. He was upstairs and I was screaming to everyone above telling them I want him to leave without us. But then he came down, and pulled the shirt over his head that I woke up in. Hydn got both of our school supplies ready and all I had to do was walk to the car. It took everything inside of me to not jump out of the car while it was moving. Everything from that morning feels surreal. I was at school but not present. People ask me about this day but I can never pull exactly what happened together. First hour was fake and second hour was make-believe.

Gold block was a whole different situation because the second after I sat down, my favorite person in the entire universe sat beside me and I could not speak. I thought someone stole my voice.

“Kayla, I want to talk to you. I want to fix this.” He begged me. My head was spinning, everything was still shaky and I was beyond scared. Carlos was looking at me with his huge, beautiful brown eyes waiting for me to say I love him and forgive him. But I know that what I have to tell him is going to kill him.

“How about I go with you after school to your house and we can talk,” I asked regretting it the moment I said it. In his mind he believed I was going to go to his house and tell him I forgive him, we are fine, and we can get back together. But that is not the way the conversation was going to go.

After school I got into his car and he seemed uncontrollably happy. He loves me and I am going to kill him. When we arrived to his apartment door I walked slowly to his room and placed myself as far away from him on the bed as humanly possible. His room was bright and the light hurt my head. He was wearing black shorts and a t-shirt. He had a serious look on his face, but all I could really look at was the photo of us at a packer game on his dresser.

“I’m so sorry for egging your mom's car, I love you so much. We have been together for almost two years and I do not want to lose you because of this,” he was begging and he was believing I was going to say everything was fine, but I knew I needed to be straight forward if we were ever going to get back what we had.

“Carlos I need to tell you something,” is all I said and he began questioning me. Asking if I did something with someone else while we were broken up. I responded with yes. His face changed. I believed in that moment that it was done. But the thing is I needed to explain.

I choked back the tears and snot running from my nose into my mouth while I trying to explain. That is when I explained what I remembered. The words tore my heart out. I explained that I had two drinks that had five percent alcohol and I was fine. I explained that he brought me a third and then my memory was stolen. I explained that the third drink he handed to me was already opened. I explained after a few sips my self control got torn out of me and nothing makes sense. I explained I did not want it. I explained I had no choice. I thought he was going to start yelling and punching objects throughout his room. But he cried until he was out of tears and his body was dry inside.

“He raped you,” Carlos sobbed. I explained the flashes that were somewhere inside of my liquid brain.

“Carlos, I love you and I do not want to lose you. I need you. Your my favorite person and I need to know if you still love me,” I cried quietly. He whipped his tears off of his kind face and then ran his thumb under my eyes removing my tears. Carlos moved his body closer and squeezed me until I calmed down.

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On September 18th, 2018 I was drugged and sexually assaulted in my friend's basement on a school night. I was sixteen years old when I was assaulted. I was afraid and broken. Talking about what happened to me was not an option. I pushed away every single friend. I skipped school and let every single grade of mine drop. I was always scared and never stopped thinking. I did not sleep. But I did put on weight with the goal of becoming less attractive. I spent everyday for four months at Carlos apartment because it was the only place I felt safe. I broke myself a bit more each day. Everyday I lost another part of me.

On Monday, January 14th, 2019 I woke up and for some reason that day I was more scared then normal, so I reported what happened to me. The whole situation is beyond unfair. He got to walk because he denied it and I had no proof. I waited too long to say something so he gets to live his life like he did nothing wrong. Even though he has had past history with this topic. It feels unreal that this adult gets to walk around and live his life without even a slap on the wrist. But all I can control is how I move forward. The last five months of my life have been an emotional whirlpool. Being sexually assaulted is like a jerky, uncomfortable rollercoaster that never stops moving. Reporting the situation did let some light back into my life. I am able to talk about what I went through with people other than Carlos. Now, everyday I put a piece of myself back together. This changed me and I will never be the same. But deep down I do believe everything happens for a reason. I am meant to do something about this. I am meant to make a difference.