When I first met Anxiety it was back in elementary school. I remember when we had to read outloud from the text books, so I counted the kids before me so I knew which part I would have to read in the textbook. I would practice it since I was always worried about messing it up since I  have a speech impediment and dyslexia. I did not want people to make fun of me. Giving any sort of speeches or presenting is not my cup of tea. I get rashes on my skin because of how nervous I am. Then I get worried if people are going to realize them and make fun of me. A lot of people have died in my family and came to a point I was so scared to do anything. I was scared for literally no reason. I was scared that if I went outside of my house something would happen to me. School shootings, car accidents, kidnapping, natural disasters, and etc. It became so unhealthy I just always stayed inside of my bedroom and played video games where I felt safe. There were times where I felt unsafe at home because when I was home by myself my dogs would literally bark for no reason and that made me so nervous, because I thought someone was trying to break inside of the house, and guess what.. It has never happened. In all honesty I do not want to get this battle with anxiety over with. I just want to live my life happily without it. I do have to give anxiety credit for keeping me safe from situations so I guess I do want to keep dealing with anxiety since it convinced me I had a good friend group where I felt safe and knew I would have a good support/time with my friends.

I personally believe that anxiety was caused by school. I had a speech impediment and no one was able to understand me. I was also so many grade levels behind with my reading level. I felt like I was not smart enough to be at school because I am on an IEP. I’ve eventually accepted it and learned that it's okay to have those things but I still suffer from it to this day. When I have to read out loud from the textbook, I would freak out and practice my section of the reading so I do not need to up it. I’m not going to lie, I am not a masculine person so when I act femeine around people I also feel judged for that. I always feel judged when I am at school, because I feel like they expect everyone to be perfect in every subject. I know that's what my younger self thinks but I still think like this even today. Anxiety just loves to control over the stupidest things ever. I do have to give Anxiety credit for my school work though. Anxiety motivates me to practice speaking so I can learn how to get out of my speech impediment, practice reading so I can be comfortable reading out loud, and no longer caring what people think of me. I don’t hate school or teachers because I think I have Anxiety because of them. I just wish they don’t put so much pressure on us to try to fit in with everyone.

When I am home by myself it is literally the worst feeling ever! I know I am going to be 17 next month as I am writing this and I am still terrified to be myself at night. Anxiety makes me paranoid thinking someone is going to break inside of my house and do a home invasion and do something to me, but in reality nothing will happen to me. When the dogs bark out for no reason it does make me nervous and I literally think there is someone watching me but everytime I look out the window it's just my neighbor across the street letting their dog out. Back in 6th grade my sister and I got a knock on the door and this dude that we have never met said ‘’Hey can your husband take me to my truck? I just need help. He has done it before.’’ to my sister. Shania has never been married so that was automatically a red flag and we told him that he is busy taking a shower and he is not able to come help. The dude walked away and was never seen again. Later on that month we found out that he was going to rob us because apparently he was watching us for two weeks watching our daily life pattern and if no one would’ve answered he would’ve gone through the back door and taken things. That's where my anxiety just started by being myself at home.

In November of 2019 I experienced a death for the first time in my family where I was mature enough to express my emotions. My little cousin at the age four died eight days before her fifth birthday. Aunt Shawnda and my cousin Nia got in a car accident on November 16th 2019 while going to Texas with her mom to go see Nia’s big sister in a school play for Nia’s birthday. When Nia died I got anxiety when I saw semi trucks because that's what hit them. I got scared being around semi trucks. I got scared getting inside being in the car alone going somewhere. When I realize that my anxiety has become so bad where I can go inside of a car. I asked mom just to put me in therapy and I was placed in it and so fair it has helped in today's world. This anxiety experience has affected me with me spending time with my family and friends. Luckily I have gotten better with it though. I made a promise to my friend that I would hangout with them and ever since I feel somewhat normal because I socialize with them. I’m also better friends with them now.

I also get anxious, nervous, and confused when I think about death. I know it is a common fear but I am no longer really scared of death anymore. I’m more scared of losing the people that I love. My grandfather died on June 13th 2004 and my mom found she was pregnant with me on June 20th 2004 on fathers day. When I was born I got my middle name ‘William’  because of grandpa keith. I was affected by grandpa Kieth’s death because I was just a reminder to my grandma for how long he has been dead. He’ll be dead for 18 years on June 13th 2022, so I always feel like I want to panic when I am around my grandma because I do not want her to feel sad when she is around me. I truly felt what death was like in the year of 2010 though. My cousin Dylan sadly passed away on January 16th 2010 by having a heart rejection. When Dylan was younger he got a new heart. Doctors to this day do not know why new hearts don’t grow with a human body, so since Dylan was younger when he got a new heart he only had like 10 years to live for it. Dylan didn’t know that was experiencing a heart rejection until it was too late. Dylan’s death has affected me by being scared of what if something bad medically is going to happen to me. I always think what would I do if I get this and where will I go. My brain just goes everywhere when I think about that. On February 13th, 2011 I lost my grandma Susie due to a heart attack in her sleep. Grandma Susie died seven days before my birthday, ten days before her birthday. My birthday is literally between her death anniversary and her birthday. I personally have never been affected by it because I’m always happy during my birthday. I just feel like people aren't happy for my birthday. April 23rd 2017 is when I lost my uncle Blair. My dad's side of the family is full of drug users and since I know that. In full honesty I am scared to be around them and being around/taking any type of medicine because I am scared that I’ll overdose, and I know wont I’m just nervous for no reason because anxiety inside of my head is speaking for me. Uncle Blair was one of my favorite uncles,  and when I found out about his death it kinda destroyed my view on my dad's side because when he died I found out that my dad, my aunt, my uncle(s), and cousins did drugs. May 18th 2020  is when my aunt Jennifer overdose and it's pretty much the same thing that happened with uncle Blair. Aunt Jennifer was different though. I automatically felt like I had some sort of responsibility to take care of Max, my little cousin. Max is the son of uncle Blair and aunt Jennifer. I know it wasn’t but I just felt like I had to do something to get him in a better environment. Max is indeed in a better environment now because he is living in Texas with his dad's side of the family and they are really nice people. The way I got over this fear of losing people and how I no longer blame myself, or feel bad for people is that I just learn that it is what it is and people will have to learn to accept and include me as well.

These are all my main examples of my experiences of anxiety and how I have dealt with them. Honestly just letting this all out and talking about everything was such a great way to release all of this stress and anger. I am just very thankful that I have a good support system with my therapist. I obviously didn’t include every single detail about my experiences because I feel like that is personal and I am just not ready to release that to the public. I know I am not the only person that is going through all of this stuff, but I am learning to accept what I have and moving forward with my life, and not allowing myself to stop living because of something that I cannot control. If you are ever going through something that is really rough. I highly recommend finding a group of friends, family, or just an adult to talk to, but everyone handles anxiety, depression, etc differently. Just talking about it is just a great way to release it all.