Dear Nikita | Teen Ink

Dear Nikita

March 10, 2022
By boygenius GOLD, Boca Raton, Florida
boygenius GOLD, Boca Raton, Florida
16 articles 0 photos 0 comments

Just knowing you was beautiful. You touched everyone around you and turned them into gold- a Midas touch. Our relationship reminded me of autumn leaves, the alluring red and stale yellow. I climbed the treacherous branches of the tallest trees to sit freely among the colors. You were bright and breathtaking until suddenly you weren't. I saw a side of you that you kept hidden behind all the gold and the glory, and the leaves turned a murky brown as they fell from the tree. I looked down at you from above the pink clouds, and the realization sent me spiraling from the beautiful barren branches; and in the final crash, I broke my rose-colored glasses and saw things for what they were.

I was never your closest friend, nor was I your most trusted companion like you were mine. No, I was simply the girl who knew your brother, and that is what hurt the worst. You wrote pages of my cherished memories while I begged for your attention, scratching desperate ballads in the waterlogged margins of your life. The sad thing is, you will forever be mentioned in every chapter of my story because you were my first beautiful thing. As I watched you become a stranger to me- I lived day by day watching our memories flash in my mind- because maybe if I held onto the memories of you I could still have some part of you.

I almost lost myself trying to get back the bygone feelings that warmed my very soul. I used to think that without you in my life's story the pages would be left blank, and I would be left a ghost of who I once was. I left the bad memories locked inside a box I fit deep inside a dark and dusty closet in my mind. The good memories, however, I left on full display with the greatest of illumination. Like the day you convinced my mom to buy me those Minecraft texture packs, or when you taught me how to play the flute, or even how you were always there at family gatherings when I had no one to talk to.

I remember our late nights at the beach, your long limbs stretching effortlessly in the glassy water. The sound of your laughter rang throughout the air and left an echo of warmth that made my heart smile.

Our destruction was slow and painful, the sudden silence between us stretching our days and showing our cowardice. I tangled myself in your string of lies and indiscretions that you wove for me until it became a noose I could have hanged myself from. The onslaught of words I screamed in my room at night left my throat in flames. Did you know you were the first person I cried over? It was the kind of cry that makes the back of your throat ache. The terrible thing is that there was nothing that I did wrong, it was just as if one day you decided you didn't want to know me anymore. I've finally accepted that. I know now that the gold you painted me made me stiff and unyielding. I understand now that the feeling of being with you was better than the thought of being with you. In those precious moments we shared together, though, you made me feel on top of the world.

You listened to me lie and helped me patch up the tapestry I couldn't help but keep shredding at night. Even after years I still always thought of you. Even after our falling out, I've kept the memory of you pristine and perfect. I want you to know that you still bring memories of grass stained jeans, the spray of the sea, and the feeling of my feet padding down the stairs to make cookies in the middle of the night.

I want you to know that I forgive you, and that I miss you.

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